Tag Archive | Wan Chai

Where is my frigging knife &…erm… potty training…again…

Ok… soo….My BELOVED KITCHEN KNIFE… given as a wedding gift (and part of a 6 group) … has randomly disappeared in the last week. Disappeared.  How does a knife just get up and leave an apartment? Its a KNIFE for fucks sake?!

I mean, where does it go?  Is it also having Sundays off and forgot to come home until “2 for 1” hour was over?  Is it sitting on a beach somewhere in Repulse Bay, waiting for its owner/mates?  Is it meeting up with other knives on its day off and talking about how bad I am as a knife owner?  I don’t care.  The point is…how does it disappear?  Its become a conundrum… *FYI…Photo below of a Rubix cube (being an 80’s child n’ all) seemed my only way of showing a conundrum…

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Now…. I know what you’re thinking....”this crazy bitch has faaaar too much time on her hands to wonder where the frigg this knife has disappeared to…” but seriously… WHERE IS IT?!?!?

How do you lose a sharp (and I mean, “Plastic Surgeon” sharp) knife in an apartment….with three kids…under the age of 3 years old (yes…. don’t remind me)?

I’m worried that (a) its been used to cut something (usually celotape, post, Park n Shop deliveries) and forgotten about in our apartment…now lurking for an inevitable eye/leg/police report when “Mummy was drunk” injury with my kids…or (b) its off in Kowloon or Wan Chai…working the tables… earning some cash… never to return again….unless its on Asiaexpat with tales of abuse.  How does a kitchen knife, that lives in a block of knives, disappear? Seriously….its annoying the shit out of me. Stay at home Mum or working Mum… this is really irritating me.

Plus…lets be honest.  I know, that knife was taken out on a day off, or maybe while out with the kids (Chinese kids are harsh in the playground….c’mon) but just ADMIT you took it.  I kinda get why people who go mad while interrogating some criminal suspect loses it (when they know someone is lying….)… you just want them to admit the truth. i.e.. “I took the knife out with my friends to demonstrate my karate/kung fu skills while working with my English/Iranian (obviously terrorist) family and accidentally killed someone, so I tossed it in Wan Chai, and its never to be seen again”. I would accept that.

But did I get an explanation?  Nope.  My Helpers response (No.2) “ Knife?  There was another knife? In that block? Really Madam… Are you sure your drunken eyes don’t deceive you?”

My response… “Yes, that bright pink knife with the Mickey Mouse motif (from Japan Homes...love that place), does not match all the black ones.  Did you take it out? Please just tell me so I can stop the stupid search.”  Helpers response (No.2, not favourite number.1… “No…maybe you lost it when you were drinking Maaam…”

In the last week, what have I been doing?  Aside from scratching my arse, irritating the Help/Kids/Husband/neighbours… Ive been looking for a knife.   A knife. We know its gone for good (no one but me seems to be searching for it,which is always a sign it’s buried in the backyard under the rose-bush (if you live in Sai Kung), where our neighbours dog continues to sniff)…. but I just need to know where it is.

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That is what my life has become.  I think I need to go back to work….

Yeh… right.

On a separate note, something has occurred in the last 2 weeks…Scratchy (Twin B…Bigger twin.Boy) has regressed with the potty training situation.  Has anyone else experienced this?

I am going out of my mind with the smell of shit.  I actually walk away from situations rather than lecture/talk/discuss in-depth as now, it just sounds stupid.  I don’t think my Son gets it.

For a start, I think he only speaks Filipino.  Seriously.  All my kids do.  Well, that, Farsi and bits of English.  Thank the Lord for help.  If I was home..I’d be losing the Mummy plot and probably (if I’m honest) screaming, about it after months of books/talks/potty training etc).  I mean, I have sat there…with a stupid arse book about a dog doing a shit in a toilet.  I also learned (myself yes, embarrassing) where shit goes.  I mean…. really….I need to being cooing and aching over this shit (literally)? Fuck off!!!!

I think, since I discovered having help (the twins were 8 months so I was used to doing everything alone…plus I had to look after The Captain too).  I know, because I’m sooo spoilt…I can’t even stomach the smell of vomit, bad runny shit and anything that looks like an angry bully of a Chinese kid in a playground (seriously… I HATE horrible kids. The piss me off).

Our Helpers here are like family.  We are so blessed.  Anyhow…. after a few in-depth conversations with my three-year olds (last resort), I assumed, everyone understood that crapping in our Pampers pull-ups was a huge “no-no”.

Apparently, my Son didn’t get the memo…and then chose to smirk whenever there was a “mishap“. Something that gets under my skin and makes me want to scream/punch a Smurf/shout at The Captain later. A smirk at the age of 3?  What the fuck is going to happen at 15?  Bring it on son, bring it on.

You have no idea who your parents used to be.  I alone was a fucking nightmare, the Captain?  There are stories going back to the 80’s which I can’t even print.  Our kids have NO IDEA who they are messing with.  The fools.

My Son has suddenly started shitting and pissing…well…everywhere.  I don’t even think he realises its about to happen until…well… you know “touching cloth” happens.  He then walks around like a Sumo wrestler waiting to take a dump.  We discovered him peeing the other day by our swimming pool (not private) but in a hedge none the less.  Apparently “Daddy said it was ok“.  The Captain denies all knowledge.  I pretended he wasn’t mine.

Anyhow…his sister… the smaller one…4lbs 9 oz … The one I always worried about. I still ALWAYS worry about because of her coughs and hospital visits for asthma related issues (2 visits in the past year, sleeping next to her cot, 4 or 5 days minimum, she can’t catch her breath)…. she’s fine with the whole potty situation.  I thought she would be the one to keep an eye on.

She’s now, going off, with an encyclopaedia (in Mandarin, written backwards) and screams she’s done a “big poo” so we can go get her for the joyful cleanup.  Our daughter now thinks that she needs to announce every dump, to everyone.

And because she has a huge bunch of Shirley Temple curls…everyone wants to help.  I’ve seen people run across public toilets to assist wiping my daughters arse.  Very disconcerting.  We explained to our little girl that this is not acceptable (no matter how adorable) in public, but she still insists on telling everyone when she takes a dump.  She told the Taxi driver recently after sunday brunch at The Hyatt that she’d done “a big poo”.  He smiled and said he would take us to “Kowloon”. I don’t even know how that translated to “Kowloon”, although..it is considered the “dark side”.  She continues to ask for stickers/chocolate/Vodka (so proud) whenever she’s done…

Her twin brother,  5lbs 12oz, first born, massive lips/ears.  I thought would be the quicker one due to size and my zero knowledge of kids. As it turns out…size doesn’t mean anything to, well, anyone.  In the last few months I’ve changed their cots to beds, taken diapers off altogether at nap times, treated them a little bit older ie. “Do you want Vodka or Whisky with your pre-dinner aperitifs?”  My daughter has blossomed and my Son has regressed.  My daughter insists on patting her twin brother on the head and telling him “Its time for poo before stories”.  I wanted to die from pride and regret, all at the same time.

Now I get my parents…slightly.  You can’t balance different people that easily.  If one twin is sooo bright, how can you not help but encourage them?  However, the other, is different (not slower, DIFFERENT) and they are watching, as I still do, even now as a grown woman, with 3 brothers (and I was never the favourite).  I don’t want them to think I love one more than the other, ever.  But at the age of 3, I know they already do think this.  Do we all have a favourite?  You are lying through your teeth if you say you don’t.  If you don’t, please share your wisdom.

Anyhow…lets go back to the potty situation….

After having a looooong chat with the kids about taking the bars off their hotbeds, going to the potty, bla fucking shoot me bla, they agreed to behave and stay in bed for their lunchtime naps. Until I got them out, around 3/4pm ish (or whenever “Happy Hour” at the clubhouse was over).

This is what happened in my Sons bedroom.

He literally opened every drawer he could reach and took everything out of his cupboards, shelves, bed. under his bed, under the floorboards (I’m sure, if we bothered to check)… you name it.

He was naked when we found him. NAKED. And, smirking.  The cheeky sod…*Photo below… of my Son (AKA “Satan’s”) room.

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What was my reaction after seeing his room??  I backed out, stifled my giggles (took a photo obviously)…and walked away.

If I was living back home in London, alone, without help…would my reaction have been the same?  Doubtful.  I think I would have gone fucking nuts because of the mess (he literally emptied every drawer). But…this was pretty funny…. I didn’t have to tidy up.  Thank fuck for Help.

Marriage in Hong Kong for ex-pats. Can it really work?

Having just about managed to find my feet in Hong Kong, I have begun to wonder about all the expat wives/partners who moved here.  Did they find it easy or difficult?  Were they angry, pissed off, stressed with the move …. especially if you had to move your entire life and children too, while your partner was probably over here already (possibly months before), and you packed up your entire home, alone.

Since our arrival, I have been incredibly honest about the difficulties I faced in moving abroad and leaving our great life in the UK.  At the moment, my only plus with Hong Kong, is still just the warm weather.  For the Captain,  who loves it here, its more the Tax relief, lifestyle, great weather, Trecking in the mountain and outdoor stuff.

I have heard and read various horror stories (Nancy Kissel being just one), where lots of expat marriages seem to be doomed  from the moment they touched Hong Kong soil.  Loads of people I know are in Marriage Counselling too. Why?

Well it’s not unheard of, or uncommon (from what I’ve read on geoexpat and asiaexpat), how the Men have places to go and “party” in Wan Chai, but besides that, there is Macau and all types of escort services everywhere.  But it’s not just the men from what I’ve heard.   The girls are out there having their fun, too.  I just read on asiaexpat, and I quote “One of the boys banged his client’s wife after the client went home early from a night out drinking. And they did it several more times afterwards, with the wife initiating it each time!”  I mean, FUCK?!  What is wrong with these people?

Everyone seems to be looking for a cheeky shag.  According to Asiaexpat there are loads of men exchanging tales of sex behind their unknowing wives backs (the predictable, ungrateful, mother-of-their-kids, wankers) and those wedding vows simply mean nothing here in Asia. Clearly.

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I also want to quote another bloke on asiaexpat who states; “The fact we are westerners gives us status, as usually poor western guys never make it here, so the ones who are here are the ones educated and with money, at least that is the asian vision of us.  On top of that, traditional asian mentality places little importance in physical beauty, and anything different is attractive, so both western guys and asian girls are attracted to each other even if the guy is a potato.  Before I came to Asia I was in a rock solid totally committed never cheated 5+ years relationship with promise rings, almost the whole nine yards. This lasted 7 months after my arrival.  Any major city in Asia is heaven for expats and no mistake.”  

So…. what he’s saying is, your Man is going to head out there and shag someone else as the temptation is sooo high and apparently, even if he is limp, missing a ballsack and looks like Rodney Trotter, this dick will still get laid by someone, with or without their beer goggles on.  In my eyes, to inflate their already bulging egos, and if “The Missus” (or “Her in-doors”) isn’t putting out, someone else might as well do it.  Especially if they’re out drinking in vile, Faliraki Style, Wyndham street , Soho or LKF on any night of the week.

Yes, there is a culture in Hong Kong for expats to play around but I never realised it was too easy for guys to do this.  In fact it really pisses me off!  I have a Moral compass and I have never faltered from who I am, and what values I do believe in.   Shagging, snogging, petting, lap dancing on my Man, are all BIG no no’s.

According to my research, all this shagging around is not done openly, but in a under-hand kind of way (from what I’ve read, some blokes have a shared sex pad just for their conquests in Soho or wherever).

This other bloke on asiaexpat also said;  “I don’t know any guy that I am close with that is an expat that does not fool around. Of course, there are different levels of playing. There are ones that strictly visit the pros for a wham-bam-thank-you-maam, there are ones that like to pick up other expats at the clubs, there are ones that like the locals, married or not, and there are ones that have actual girlfriends that may or may not know they are married.”

Why the fuck would you put up with this bullshit??  What?!  So because we moved to a different country, our Men have all gone mad and started humping anything that moves, because they’re sooo fucking arrogant, they think they can.  And the ones who go to the “Pros/Strippers/lap clubs”… well they are the worst type of scum, as in their minds, it’s not even cheating if you’re paying a hooker.   Really?? Would you do that sort of shit IN FRONT of your wife you DICK!?

I can say this now, with my hand on my heart, if I ever EVER found out that The Captain had been cheating on me during “business trips, late nights at the office, clients dinners, having a drink with the boys, or even before I showed up in Hong Kong”.  I will end his entire world, by leaving.  Its simple.  Oh… and as an added Fuck You,  I’d have a revenge shag with someone he knows, just to show him how much it can hurt.

It seems a woman needs a reason to cheat, a man, well he just needs a place.

I have to sign off now and go check my Hubby is sweetly tucked up in bed.  He’s definitely not the type of Man listed above.  I wouldn’t have married him if he was (plus I have him tagged just under his butt cheek so I know where he is at all times).

One thing I will say, having read up on this for the last few hours (and there are hundreds of threads about this on asiaexpat).  Hong Kong is certainly somewhere to test your marriage and push it to the limit.  I will hold my wine filled cup to that, BUT, pull your shit together and remember who you were before you arrived on this Island of Madness.   This doesn’t feel like the real world for me yet (yes, I’m still homesick and will be heading back to London sometime over the summer ….. cant fkin wait), but it’s not bloody Vegas either.   For every dumb asshole who thinks he can sleep around behind his Partners back, there’s also a woman who knows about it, and she will be doing the same right back atcha!  Your wife, girlfriend, partner, will always know when something is up.

ps.  I think I want to go home before my Husband catches this unknown “must-have-sexitis” illness.

pps. Captain, if you’re reading this, I have 3 big brothers, a shovel and have learnt my way around the woods of Hong Kong quite well 😉

* Photo of Repulse Bay Beach … my local.