Tag Archive | twins

SINGLE PARENT – My twins just turned 7 years old!

Hi all

This will be a brief (OK, maybe, not “brief”), albeit, probably, painful, dialogue (with myself), reflecting, on my twins turning seven years old. My third (and youngest), turns five years old in 2 weeks. I have three, THREE, kids under 7 years old….and I’m raising them pretty much, alone….Where the HELL did time go!?! My Mum warned me about this whole “Youth is wasted on the young” phenomenon. To be fair, I pretty much did everything I wanted to do before I had my babies. I studied, worked hard, travelled, lived, loved, survived….enjoyed my life. THEN…parenthood….

PARENTHOOD. Is this as “wonderful” as everyone talks about, or is it the reason I’m (pretty much) “worn” daily? Have I fallen into the trap of believeing, having children, would fulfil me?

Don’t misunderstand me…before those doing IVF or other treatment, kick off. I HAD IVF. I WANTED to have a family. I now, just question, well….”why”? Please do not interpret what I’m writing as anti-parenting/kids etc. I adore my children. I would do anything, and DO anything for them.

They are my joy, my laughter, my heart walking around, outside my body. Daily. I’m just stating….why, why why….did I feel sooo pressured to have children when, now in hindsight, I sometimes, feel pained by the road ahead.  This love you feel for your kids…its never ever ending. I worry constantly for them, cant sleep when they cant, cry when they do, feel happy when they are, sad when they’re sad…its (as a Mother) never ever going to stop.

This level of love….its beyond anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. And the WORRY for them every single day, and guilt if I feel I’ve let them down…well, that’s something I never understood.

I called my Mum recently, crying (as you do as a single mum daily…or NOT, if youre properly “versed” on this way of life, I actually never signed up for, alone), after arguing with my (then) 6 year old about our living situation and where we will eventually live once our old family/marital home sells.  The conversation was beyond anything I’ve been able to manage as an adult…. and I felt so sad, for my child, that I didn’t (as I often don’t) have the answer to her questions.

That feeling of wishing you cold have “done better” as a parent…its tough. My Mum told me I often sent her to bed (please NB. my Mum is like the Mafia so if she feels guilt…the whole parenthood is fkd) at night worrying and sad she’d “let me down”. But, she also said, that children need to feel “secure” in order to accept the hard road/rejection ahead. If they are secure, and know their parent/s are there, kids can conquer anything.

Last night, I went through old photos, emails, cards, basically my life, from 7 years ago. Its crazy  (almost shocking to me) how different my life now is. Something, and some new era I never ever expected.

However, the one constant, joyously (sometimes painful!) loving and unconditional component, that keeps my feet on the ground solidly, are my three children.

These little people, have shown me, unconditional support and love, beyond anything I’ve ever known in my entire life. And I have been loved, numerous times. And well. But my trio…my entourage…my brood…my crew…my cheeky monkeys….this crew are hilarious.

However, I/we created them. Their father and I were not quiet, shy, meek characters…so why would we ever expect our kids to be different?! If anything, we are trying to manage, a rather “lary” trio of cheeky, kids. When I get a call from the school, or pulled aside by their Teachers to tel me something one of the children did. DO you know what I feel? Pride. Yep. Pride. I LOVE that they have the balls to push boundaries. I LOVE that they trust me (and their Dad) enough to attempt to do stuff you shouldn’t at school knowing full well that we would be informed, yet have no fear. I Love that I (and their Dad) am trusted. I told them when they started “big school” to “enjoy their time, push the boundaries and know Mummy is always there”…..little did I know they would go over and above.

I feel proud and disappointed at the same time. Only disappointed if theres bullying involved. I am never a hater but my kids (our kids) know not to ever allow (or even witness, without stepping in, if safe to do so) bullying. I cant grasp that

They are loud, capable, street-smart, argumentative, kind, non bullying (we are VERY anti bullying in our household), charitable, open, loving, cuddly, talkative (we love a good Chat!!), but more than anything…human. This is my crew.

I am blessed to have these 3 little people who are usually (one or two of them!) in trouble at school, yet the naughty one, (AKA my only son) is placing toys and treats (or 1p coins) under his 4 year old sisters pillow because she wants the “tooth fairy” to come and see her (shes witnessed her older twin siblings getting a treat ONCE from the Tooth Fairy).

My son (the “naughty one“) does this amazingly kind, sweet gesture, nightly…. He puts TREATS under her pillow at night (every night) so she thinks the Tooth Fairy came. Every night that my youngest 3rd child mentiones the Tooth Fairy, her older brother, will place stickers, 20p from his own Money Box, lip balm (hes stolen probably!) …My point is….this son of mine…hes such a good lad. Yet, hes been flagged up at school for “bad behaviour” because my ex said he was acting inappropriately.  My Son, is kind, yes, cheeky, but no way near a “problem” like the kids I give lifts to from school on the way home. One boy tried to stick his finger inside my mums bellybutton (not bellybutton but I cant bear to even write where he attempted) on school grounds, yet HE is not being called in for anything. My son? Lets look at the facts.

Thanks to ex Nanny, my son is a child who has been “flagged up” at school for naughty behaviour). Thanks to constant prodding and poking, my own relationship with my OWN SON has been affected. My old Filipino Nanny (and her bullshit, letting my then 3 year old daughter walk out the house, leaving the gas on, not closing the door, letting our 9 month old almost drown….this is a WITNESS) as well as whatever is aired by the ex, has rocked my normal, natural relationship with my child. My son and I feel, almost awkward now, thanks to the bullshit that has been created during my divorce. He has been soo damaged by what has happened because he has been used as an exampleof my alleged lack of “attention”. ATTENTION.

My son, BTW, gets approximately 80% of my attention DAILY. This has been enforced on me/him/us….thanks to a nanny (who my son claimed tried to cut him with a knife/his own flesh and blood).

I had a meeting (with my ex) at my sons schools last year) where I told them they were “ruining my relationship with my child”. These lies and comments….they are maybe not intentional…but they are ruining my relationship with my boy. I adore him. Hes cheeky. Gorgeous. Kind. He adores me. We love spending time together as we are actually very VERY similar. But, he is being pushed into a corner where apparently I give him “no attention”, and he is a “problem” at school. Both untrue.

YET….Both, now, a problem for me. I’ve kept quiet for long enough.

Yep, the same boy who holds his little sisters head when she falls asleep in her car seat so her “neck doesn’t hurt” while I drive us home.

He does this EVERY time my youngest child falls asleep in the car. His twin sister? The “good one” and my “favourite“? She wouldn’t even notice or attend to her younger sister, who has special needs. Yet, my Son, who according to random stories, where in hindsight I cant believe I even accepted being questioned, is sooo kind and looks after her. He did from the moment my youngest came into the world. His words were she looked so cute and he called her “Pookey”. A name that’s (unfortunately for her) Stuck!

But my boy? The one they  are “monitoring” at school for bad behaviour because he said “bum”  or something along those lines. Its harming him more than helping. My poor boy has had (due to moment at school that would ordinarily be considered “cheeky” ie. saying “you smell”! to another child) has caused Social services/Therapists/Psychologists to stop in. The poor lad is overwhelmed and I’m actually, now, beyond accepting of him being torn down like this. All because of a Nanny and my divorce. All to try and cut monthly maintenance.

MY SON ….holds his 4 year olds sisters head in my car, while I drive home (during my 2 hour round trip), to stop her getting neck ache (because she “falls forward Mummy”) while I drive us home. My SON, whose head and body I used to hold for over 8 hours every night for months because he couldn’t settled in out new environment in my lounge in Hong Kong all night….MY SON….is being torn away from me, bit by bit. I’m a good Mum and I adore my kids. I haven’t changed when it comes to who I am at the core. My kids however, are being destroyed by this stupid divorce game.

My son…hes actually a very good boy. When I hear things hes allegedly done…I’m stunned because, surrounded by love, hes fine.  When hes upset….yep….he’ll react. But hes only a child. And that’s not me saying that as a typical Mum protecting her son. I’m pretty strict, yet kind, with my kids. They know they can come to me with anything. ANYTHING.  We even laugh about this at dinner time when my 7 year old daughter told me ” Mummy when you come into the playground, please tell X to stop smelling me”. I witnessed (on 2 occasions) my kids being bullied, and had to speak to the Teachers within my reach immediately before I harmed some idiot bullying child’s face, or their IDIOT parent for not stepping in to teach their child that what their kid is doing is UNACCEPTBLE.

These two Boys who bullied my then 5 year old daughter, were swinging my daughter around by her school uniform hood. I was waving goodbye to her at the time before these imbecile, joy riding (to-be), idiot, boys started bullying her. They didn’t know who the fk was in the playground.  They prompted me to cooley walk over (try to recall Legal jargon…being an ex lawyer n’ all) and tell these 2 idiots to “GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER NOW!!! WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES AND WHICH CLASSES ARE YOU IN!!”  My daughter was trying to push them off her and retrieve her hood. Adults though….?!  They were bloody EVERYWHERE. Why didnt they step in?  These idiot boys were 5 years old and shit themselves when I walked over and intimidated them as they attempted to do to my daughter. Did this stop their pattern? Nope.  Ive seen them STILL BULLY kids in the playground….until they see my joyous face….cowards. I keep telling my kids….”Bullies are cowards. Stand up for yourselves. Tell Mummy if you don’t feel safe!”. they know the drill. They also know, human beings should be kind. Bullies are “ cowards”.

But seeing my son this past week, doing things, no one has told him to do (ie. hold your baby sisters head when she falls asleep so she doesn’t get neck ache)….is pretty…cool. He is genuinely kind. I love that about him. I wish everyone would back off and let him be.

This morning, all three of my kids woke (my youngest has her birthday in 12 days but will be away this year, so I celebrated her birthday today, with her older twin siblings), to balloons, cake, presents, smiles, contentment on the way to school. One of my twins…AKA “Favourite daughter”, did a somersault into my bedroom at 4.30am this morning, smiling (always smiling…to be fair, she DID come out the womb like that), shouting (because she can not, at any point, talk quietly), “ITS MY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!!! MY BIRTHDAY!!! LET ME SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE IN THE KITCHEN!! OR HAVENT YOU DONE ANYTHING?!”

I woke, explained she was approx. 1.5 hours early, to sleep for a bit, and I would wake her when it was “time”. My daughters response? “OK. BUT, please DONT FORGET!!” As if I could…. 7 years ago I had twins. I was married. I was in love with life and what the future could hold. Today, I woke alone (I mean the only adult in my home), and tried to keep it together while I witnessed these little people, I’ve raised alone for 2 years now…get one year older.

I had my twins in St. Marys Hospital in Paddington (Praed st), London. The well known “Lindo Wing” who were beyond amazing with how they cared for me. I had complications during the C Section, and lost a lot of blood. But the Nurses, Doctors and staff generally were beyond incredible. I couldn’t walk without their aid for 2 days. Yet, not once did I feel insecure or judged while attempting to do basic human things like go to the loo…the medical profession (on every level, from juniors to Consultants) were absolutely mindful and instrumental in my recovery.

The Lindo Wing at St. Marys was not some plush, Four Seasons Hotel style room, as you would expect for £6000 (apparently the cost) a birth.  I gave birth to my 3rd child in Hong Kong and it was compulsory to remain in the Hospital, known as “Hotel Matilda” for 7 days. To be fair, I had just moved apartment with the twins and ex, tried to fight a legal court case with our old landlords and unpacked, before turning up to voluntarily be put to sleep before giving birth to my 3rd child (I was SHAKING from terror/fear/worry of giving birth the 2nd time round. I was Shaking so much, the Doctor suggested I be put to sleep. I agreed…I was terrified after being advised from 16 weeks that we had an issue with the umbilical cord and Baby no.3 could be stillborn. Imagine a whole pregnancy wondering if your child would be alive when you gave birth? and then your husband emotionally checks out, knowing full well, situation at hand. Oh, and then my Dad died. Cherry on the cake.) I had 3 days to recover from my C Section with my twins. 3 days….then I was on my own. Back home…with 2 babies…I made via IVF (apparently I should be “hush hush” about the IVF for reasons I don’t understand….If I can help anyone through IVF, I bloody will. It is definitely not for the faint hearted and a couple must be strong to survive that shit)….and I was scared to leave the Lindo Wing.

And the aftercare at St. Marys, in Paddington?

Well….again, it was managed and I was looked after beautifully. I felt cared for, despite feeling physically bare at times (someone helping you go to the bathroom or to sit and drink water), and emotionally exposed. This hospital is both private and NHS run. Ive recently read reviews on St. Marys and am stunned by “trip advisor” style comments. The nurses and Doctors I encountered were incredible. The job they perform, is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. To be fair….the nurses who were there whenever I needed help, we beyond altruistic. I never felt alone knowing they were just around the corner. For a Nurse, to go and help someone go to the bathroom and HELP them physically hold bags of blood/fluid…and STILL smile and be kind to you?! This profession is NOT there to simply serve us. We need to appreciate that these are people, with feelings and senses, going home to their own lives, after a day with you. These amazing Nurses, at the Lindo Wing, who helped me when I couldn’t stand without losing copious amounts of blood (seriously, like a bucket of blood just to brush to stand and brush my teeth), would be so natural, and help me. HELP me. The only other person who would do this, is my Mother. Where was my then-husband? Not there. He was tired.

Me? I’m celebrating today that my twins are 7 years old. SEVEN. My youngest is about to turn 5. AND, I have been a single mum since they were 2 years old and 4 years old. No Man will ever define me, or my brood. I just hope, I keep up this super busy, hugely emotional (at times) biggest role of my life.

I will go back to work soon. Once all 3 are sorted. Until then?

Despite being under pressure daily (and nightly), I’m owning this amazing, sometimes totally soul destroying, role.  This crew of 3, that I gave birth to? I’m actually, beyond impressed with how much they have held ME up. Parenting is harsh. People judging you constantly, is harsh too. But fuck them, and do what you want to do. Those who judge, have zero life, and bullshit input. Good people don’t put others down.

Don’t be a hater. Although the Internet Trolls wont be able to help themselves..

For the single parents out there… You’re doing a FUCKING BEAUTIFUL JOB. And for those smug happy married bastards (I’m not bitter)/coupled up? You too are doing a fab job (we don’t hate you). Parenting is a whole job in itself. I love (& WANT TO MAIM), but LOVE, when people discover I’m a stay at home tortured Mum, then say to me, “oh, so you DONT WORK?!” No you fucker. DONT WORK?!

If you mean “not working” as waking up throughout the night, sleeping on the floor next to your childs bed when theyre unwell, washing thousands of clothes daily (despite them having friggin uniforms!?), being on call 24/7 for ALL your childs needs, having constant bullshit meetings with schools/doctors/therapists/ex husbands/idiots, attending playdates, parties, driving to the moon and back daily, washing toys, filling in projects, doing nightly homework, cooking, cleaning, trying NOT to kill oneself, as NOT a job….well you know what? YOU do my daily and NIGHTLY job. Tell ME HOW YOU FEEL AFTER ONE WEEK IN MY ROLE. Because I am being judged daily for allegedly NOT working. How do I go to work when I have sick kids, waking through the night, calls from school, no family that live locally, and zero support by way of a nanny?! WHAT JOB WILL EMPLOY ME?

I get 4 hours sleep (if I’m lucky) uninterrupted, every night, before one of my kids wakes me, feeling “sad”, or ill, or about something to do with my divorce. I have experienced, ALONE, nearly 2 years of this nightly waking up routine, then doing a WHOLE day of “NON WORK”, then the same Groundhog routine, because of a divorce, I didn’t implement/want. I am alone in managing this situation. I AM A SUPERSTAR. I have to keep telling myself this otherwise I’ll top myself!!!

There is only one proper rule to being a good parent. Be a good, kind human being. Your kids learn what they see. Teach them to be a kinder generation. Surely?

So….onwards and upwards.

My trio are going on holiday with their Dad and I actually get my only annual break (6 days) so I’m going diving, diving, diving.

I just pray my babies are ok, and this horrific, still stressful (despite the divorce) time, will eventually end. I am fed up of waking daily, worried about what the week will produce in pain, ex husband drama and general bullshit.

I want to be happy.  I DESERVE to be happy.

I am raising 3 children alone.  ALONE. EVERY SINGLE DAY. NOT WEEKENDS. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. NO NANNIES. JUST ME.

I am almost amazed people attempt to pick a fight with me. But they do. Me. The Mother of 3 kids, who is running around daily, after her children.

What IDIOT picks a fight with a single Mum, who gets 4 hours sleep a night (if you are having a good night), drives her “mummy taxi” daily to cater for 3 little peoples needs, and has zero life?

 

 

 

 

Fire and brimstone….AKA The London School Run

London School run…..Hell? OR, a temporary torment that will eventually pass?

traffic london cartoon

When I first did the NW London school run, I was stunned at how unbelievably barbarous this thankless, pugnacious, arduous, cut-throat, bull-shit, bastard of a routine, would be.

Not only is EVERYONE driving around in some confused middle class cantankerous frame of mind, that I genuinely find worrying….but they’re also irascible and keen to kick off over something as simple as a U Turn. A U TURN people.

These women (never men. ever…theyre not that fucking stupid…about cars I mean….everything else is open for female debate) have nothing else to fulfil their mundane, sexless, bitter existence in the mornings, therefore they will kick off, like they’re fighting a huge injustice in the European Courts, over a U TURN….

I’ve had one moment since arriving back in London where road rage got the better of a pompous, hugely affected by her own delusional public persona, while I, like all mortals just living their daily life, was quietly going about my morning school run.

I just want to point out, that this piece is not in any way, anti-animals/pets/school projects, nor is it anti-women, or anti-women drivers, or anti-American (I LOVE Americans as you know….but just covering bases when you read a brief mention below on our Stateside family), nor am I anti- NW London (totally).  I’m am, however, and Ive said this numerous times before, ANTI BULLYING.  AT ANY AGE.

This beyond unnecessary “incident” took place after 3 whole wonderful, delicious, (Divorce pending/tearful/painful/soul destroying) years back in London.  This particular moment, however, outside the twins school in NW London, involved an alleged CELEBRITY.   I only discovered she was a Celeb when the School Secretary, whom I love and If I was a lesbian, would be chasing after constantly (imagine “M” from the last James Bond, but about 20 years younger, taller, and mouthier….). Anyhow….she notified me that this Moron was well known on TV and apparently on various poncy programs for the Beeb (whom I ordinarily have HUGE respect for as a Channel), that only an Oxford or Cambridge Grad would actually enjoy, kinda like us mere mortals do with “TOWIE”)…

So this starlet, was gunning for me immediately, being rude, affected, a London wanker, trying her hardest to tear me a new arsehole, in front of my 3 year old (who has special needs), all over my doing a U TURN in a cul de sac.  Not a dangerous U Turn involving an out-of-control vehicle, and a woman (me) not knowing how to drive (I CAN DRIVE).  This alleged argument instigator was about a U Turn. Not an Illegal U Turn, but a U Turn. A U TURN. A LEGAL U TURN. LEGAL.

My 3 year old’s response after witnessing her Mummy being shouted at repeatedly, over this alleged dangerous “U Turn” said, “She NOT nice Mummy. She MEAN!!!”  My response to that?  “Baby!!! You said a whole sentence!!!!!! Do it again….!!!!?” We’ve been desperate for my youngest to start talking so anything like that entire sentence is like a bar of gold for me.

Sorry….I digressed…as I do.

Continuing on with this wonderful tale… This dumbass started shouting at me first thing in the morning during the busiest peak time, in front of two very busy schools, that sit right next to each other, with lots of morning activity, and hundreds of small children.  Her presence actually rattled my very young daughter, who witnessed it all from her car seat, directly behind mine.

Anyhow….this moron kicked off at me for doing a “U’ie” in a cul de sac….like thousands of other parents before me.  What annoyed her about me? Who genuinely knows to be honest?  My clothes, my car, my parking, my skin colour, my lack of interest in conforming to anything remotely “Mummy-like” which you can tell is somewhere between the devil and the deep blue sea? Maybe its my lack of giving a shit what anyone thinks? I don’t care.  I used to live, always making sure, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) around me was ok.  I never liked people feeling hurt, unloved, being treated badly, being bullied….I basically felt exhausted the whole time, as the one person, who never got to live comfortably in their own skin, or freely, was me.  Now?  Since my Dad died……I have been liberated.  I don’t give a shit. Because other people don’t give a shit.

I am kind to strangers, and I genuinely like good people….but those random unkind beings out there, who take it upon themselves to “educate or discipline” me/anyone because they feel they have more knowledge!?  Nope.  No interest. You ARE bullies.  Its as simple that.

After I dropped my twins off on this particular morning, I walked back to my car (the size of a minibus) and I could actually sense/feel, some irritating aura/attitude, sizing me up and staring at me.

I have my own daily uniform of Ray Bans, Flat Cap, Biker Jeans and a T shirt that normally has Sid Vicious on it decapitating a Corgi, or “Fuck You Muthas” or my fave Xmas gift T-shirt last year,  “Pls give me a parking space you medicated, affected, Gucci carrying, arsehole”. 

 

Anyone of those obvious Rock N Roll fashion accessories, could have sparked an interest/conversation.  It turns out, my clothes were not the issue, it was my Disco’tastic WHITE chav-Mobil (that according to a male friend, “Essex Hairdressers drive”) may have wound her up.

On seeing me, partly do, my excellent and VERY safe U Turn, this lady moves in for the kill. She starts banging on my window.  Banging…her lips were folded back so I could see her teeth – Imagine jumping out of an aeroplane for a Skydive, where you cant help but look weird as your mouth & lips totally disappear, revealing skeleton like, dry teeth, as you scream “SHHHHHHHIIIIITTTTT!!!”

So these were my thoughts…until I immediately noticed her mouth frothing, like a smiling, grimacing, Rabid dog (think of the film “Cujo” circa. 1983…)  For those 80’s kids who ever saw that disturbing film “Cujo”.   I still recall that rabid dog trying to attack the little boy in the car. I was 7 years old and had stayed at a friends house that night (Americans….no PG filter. We also watched the “Exorcist” and Porn….loved that family. I’m a huge fan of anyone Stateside as you know).  I also knew, when I opened my car window, mid 3 point turn….something MEAN was about to happen.  On a Monday morning, which is already harsh, before 8 am.

This crazy bipolar, sexually frustrated lunatic, with immaculate make-up, brunette hair styled in a slick and smart bob, with a browny/yellow (ghastly) Paisley patterned scarf tied around her neck….well…she started ranting about the rules and regs of driving down this road.  * FYI…..if you ever see a woman wearing a scarf similar to the one below, a word of advice.  Turn and run. She is WELL mean and I’m certain, menopausal.

brown scarf

I had no idea (nor did many parents as it later turns out) that we shouldn’t drive down this road if we could help it.  Not ILLEGAL but “frowned upon”…which in my book means, I can do WHAT THE FUCK I WANT, as long as I’m responsible, safe and considerate…which I ALWAYS am.

When I shared my  morning’s joyous encounter with every parent I knew at the school…including the fact that this woman had blatantly lied while screaming at me that I had driven on the pavement (BLATANT BULL SHIT).

I have a camera in my car luv. I’m also a fucking good, point free, 19 years of a “No Claim Bonus“, first time passer of driving test, type of driver.  YOU LIED.  She claimed I’d gone onto the pavement while doing a 3 point turn. NEVER happened.  My cars arse may have hung over the pavement, but tyres? Nope never…..

I was mute throughout most of the altercation with this affected, Middle Class struggling to be Upper, highly self absorbed, opinionated, affected, probably medicated (wearing off before 8.30am clearly), dickheads rant….all out of my own disturbing, curiosity. I sat there, in my car, not uttering a single word, but staring at her.

I said nothing while this stupid cow, who had made me stop all traffic (my car was literally mid U turn and therefore now blocking the entire road) to listen to her bang on about bullshit!?…When I thought she’d finally finished her verbal onslaught, I decided to ask her a very simple, polite (in my opinion) question.

I asked this “Celebrity”, who by this point I thought may genuinely own the entire road, one thing, “Are you done?”….

It was at this point she went insane and started another tirade, quoting school letters and asking me for my “Name, date of birth, National Insurance number, Bank details.. etc…”

To be fair, I think she was just having a Nespresso comedown, probably due to her Maid not bring her Coffee in bed that morning.  Who cares?  Too early to pick a fight with me.  I hate idiots like that, anytime of the day.

The rude, vile, so-called Celebrity, had stood there for approx. 2 mins, frothing at the mouth, steaming the outside of my windows, blatantly bullying and undermining me in front numerous Parents dropping their own kids off outside 2 pre-schools, and screaming abuse, all in front of countless YOUNG children.  This was including her own poor child, whose face turned the same colour as her ginger hair. She was holding her daughters wrist the whole time she unleashed her venom onto me. Why?  I did a 3 point turn in a narrow road.  Did I drive onto the pavement, like she LIED and claimed I did? No.  How do I know this?

Because I can (a) Drive a car and have done so, since I Was 17 years old, (b) I NEVER EVER went onto the pavement as I’ve seen some terrible drivers do a U Turn in that road, and almost run pedestrians over. (c) I was aware of my space and also have a CAMERA to see the rear of my vehicle when I reverse.

She openly lied but wanted a fight because she’s a bully.  My response?  Zero.

I sat there. Flat cap. Ray Bans. Sid Vicious “FUCK YOU” T shirt. Thanks to her, I had no blocked the entire road in my vehicle. Bizarelly….NO ONE was honking their horns, or trying to Shut this moron up.  Turns out. Shes “known”…eh!? For what?! Being a cow?  I watched her without saying ONE SINGLE WORD to interrupt her clear love for her own voice.

When I did utter those few words of “Are you done?” ….she got angrier, carried on having a go, now through gritted teeth. Something I hate. It demonstrates a bully to the core.

As I mentioned earlier, this concerned-for-peoples-safety (but not emotional) “Parent” also did this in front of my own child who was frightened by this stupid, pointless attempt at asserting some power.  This woman then told me to “GO AWAY AND DONT EVER LET ME SEE YOU DRIVE DOWN HERE AGAIN!!!”. Disgusting.

I still didn’t react. Not a grimace, a tear, an apology, a comment, a moan, a burp, a smile, a loud fart, a smack to her fucking head 1980’s style when no one gave a shit about repercussions.  Nope…she got nothing from me.  It annoyed her. My lack of… well, anything pissed her off.  This may explain why she walked away still shouting and telling every single person walking into both schools, that (“SHE WAS ON THE PAVEMENT!!”). A lie.  Blatant lie.

Still, as she walked away, disgusting Paisley scarf blowing in the London wind, I said zero.  Why?

I had my child in the car.  She has special needs and is trying to understand “comprehension”.  I’m trying to educate my children about how to treat people, daily, and attempting to explain that people don’t do, or shouldn’t react, like that.  And by “that”, I mean, weak.  Anyone that comes at you like that is a bully, therefore a coward, hence, weak.  I, as in ME, would not DO that to someone. My little entourage (ie. 3 children), shouldn’t do that.  People need to be kind. To approach things in a civil, human, way….. I don’t like bullies.

So what do I now do, for school runs after being warned never to drive down that street again?  Well, I research who this moron is.  Even my kids know her name.  We keep Pitch Forks in the boot just in case she attacks.  We are ready for the war (I don’t care about winning the battle).

I still openly drive down that road daily, windows wide open, Cafe Del Mar music blaring (unless Kiss or Capital FM play something Beiberish for the kids)….. waiting waiting waiting, for that “woman” to come at me again.

Why?  This time, I’m prepared.  This time, I will force myself to get out of my car and verbally tear HER a new arsehole for being such a bully.  For being so incredibly hypocritical in a space surrounded by young children and parents.  A small shared space where children should be free to go to school without witnessing fights amoungst parents (even if it is one sided) as this rattles them before their school day has even started.  She went on twitter that very morning commenting on another Mothers parenting for giving their child “chocolate”, yet there she was, arguing with me, and bullying me (trying to, the idiot) in front of numerous children, including her own, and yet, her argument wasnt even real.  Her reality was that platform to perform openly for all and sundry, and blatant, obvious, attempt to demonstrate her power/knowledge/vulgar personality. She caught me on the day of my Dads birthday (passed away).  I wasn’t in the mood to brush my hair, let alone speak or fight some complete moron about something irrelevant and not real.  I was feeling very tearful that morning because of my Dad.  I don’t like anyone attempting to benefit from someone else’s, apparent, lack of knowledge.

I mean, this school run business in the morning, it’s absolutely, without a shadow of any doubt, beyond anything Ive ever experienced.  ANYTHING. And Ive done some obdurate shit in my time.  I actually dread this unthinkable, work-into-my-nightmares, experience, more than anything else in my life.  The “women” (I had to quote this as I’m certain some of these ladies are not from Planet Earth) have no idea about the width of their cars, nor road “etiquette”.

Why? Well….lets break this horrible, daily, harsh (beyond belief) routine, down….

  1. As a single Mum, I’m waking three kids up during the working week, and having to get everyone, sorted, in the correct clothes (is it “Gym day”? or is it “wear-my-favourite-colour-story-family-member” day, into school?  With all this going on, Ive also got to manage a 4 year old, who has certain special needs (ie. She cant be arsed with all this crap) and get everyone to their designated destination, before cocktail Mummy hour (10.30am).
  2. During this school run, you need to ensure, everyone has been fed.
  3. You need to make sure, all children are IN the vehicle.
  4. You need to make sure, any casualties, ie. kids fighting, knocked knees etc, have been dealt with (Arnica AKA “Magic Cream Mummy” applied), BEFORE leaving the home.
  5. You need to remember water and snacks in case theres an end to the world moment before school.
  6. Remember to set alarms and lock doors.
  7. Remember that slippers are NOT shoes and to change these BEFORE walking out your front door. I cant tell you how many times ive done this…ok, approx. 8.
  8. That wearing a Hair roller in your fringe needs to be removed from yours, and your 4 year olds, hair before starting the cars engine.
  9. Its SHIT. Just so you’re aware. Total and utter, hard-core, relentless, mean, SHIT.  Be MENTALLY prepared before you get into your vehicle.  Every morning.  Check tyres, school bags and swim/football/ballet/dance/science paraphernalia. Make sure all kids are actually strapped inside the car (ideally YOUR car).
  10. Setting alarms, getting all kids strapped in and driving down the road, thinking you’re en route & survived the morning breakfast/uniform/political management of your children, only to hear; “Mummy, we left Winston (the annoying Gerbil for school), behind!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!! POOOOOR WINSTONNNNNN!!!!!!”    Well…it adds at least another 10 minutes to your journey, if you’ve just left and are still on your own road.  You need to turn said vehicle around, calm hysterical child by assuring them the Gerbil/Winston will be found (while remembering he was left outside on the Trampoline all night during crazy heavy hailing rain), you need to deactivate the house alarms, locate Winston the annoying fucker you’ve photographed for 2 days at birthdays, the park, in the bath, doing homework, baking cakes, being deliced/made sanitary/washed in antibacterial soap to ensure he’s clean enough for your child to sleep with, and finally a photo of “Winston” enjoying a Cosmo with Mummy once all kids are asleep at night.  On a SATURDAY night.

Me, a Gerbil, “Gogglebox” on TV, and an extensive search on Google about how to remain positive, and NOT kill yourself when you discover your date on a Saturday night, is now a furry animal, the size of your hand, called Winston, the Gerbil. FYI…. I AM TALKING ABOUT A GERBIL… some people are just downright ill 🙂

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Winston, the class Gerbil. The bain of every parents life for a whole weekend while your allergy suffering twins attempt to sleep with the smelly, ugly, worn, flea infested bugger. So of course, he had to sleep in my room on the first night, to ensure he wasn’t suffocated with kiddie cuddles, or had his nails painted by my 4 year old.  Winston….what a bastard…..oh….and its “Jamies turn this week to play with it”, clean it, entertain it with Heavan knows what, and basically, keep that fury fucker alive and breathing.

Could you imagine, the shit you would get, if that friggin Gerbil DIED (somehow) while you had it with you?!  I watched that bloody bastard more than my own kids over the weekend while the ugly, scratchy bugger stayed with us.  I almost gave him CPR when one of the kids attempted to feed the damn thing some cheese.

” DARLING, its a gerbil…NOT a mouse!!!”

My sons response?  ” Are you really sure MummyHow do you know Winston is not a BIG mouse Mummy!?? He may be trapped inside a gerbil, trapped inside a cage?!” 

My answer….?  Google.  I then had to demonstrate with photos of animal skeletons, anatomies etc that we were looking after a friggin, pain in MY arse, Gerbil.  Did Winston say “Thank you my Luv, for looking after me!”  When he was gently placed back in my sons classroom, for the next victim to look after it?  No OF COURSE IT DIDNT SAY THANK YOU!!! Why?!!  Aside from being male?

Because anything under the age of 10 years of age is lacking manners, consideration and general hygiene. Plus, hes an animal…literally.  I preferred the bloody stuffed animal we had to entertain and photograph at weekends.  Our Class Monkey (not real folks, so relax) went to Mexico with my Mum.  This SOB was photographed, by my very creative Mother (I now know where I get it from) having sex with various objects including giant bowls of Chilli Con Carne, in numerous locations.  My Mum thought she was helping….she didn’t realise it was for her Grandchildren’s school project, NOT something I had asked her to do FOR ME?!?!

In the day, pre-kids, I worked my arse off at University (kinda…if you consider a “Desmond Tutu” a decent degree), working hard at Law school (while drinking, shagging and popping Pro Plus like they were Smarties), and working all night corporate cases for Magic Circle Firms in the City where you didn’t even sleep before appearing in the High Court.

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We’d have meetings involving hours of Mediation, groups of lawyers sat bundled together, couped up for over 9-12 hours daily, trying to negotiate one aspect of a case that could take days, and cost thousands of our clients money. I’ve got some shocking/exceptionally boring stories about Construction Litigation cases involving Mediation/Lawyers/coffee/me/vodka/Senior Equity Partners/Me again/Vodkas …again…..

Thinking back now….I was hungry to succeed in my profession as a Solicitor.  I believed in being a Lawyer and the harder one worked, the luckier you were.  This theory always seemed to hold true for me. It worked for me.  Always.  Well….until …..I became a Mum and learnt about parenting. I am STILL learning about parenting daily.

There are days, I go to bed, feeling guilty for doing what I feel is the wrong thing, doing what I suspect is the wrong thing….its the hardest role Ive ever had to fulfil. Being a Mum, a parent.  No one is giving you weekly/monthly/yearly appraisals like they do in an office…there no list of objectives, unless youre a complete control freak and do that to yourself, or worse, your Partner has a checklist of YOUR objectives as a Parent.  I am however, learning how to be a great Parent thanks to my incredible Mum (AKA “Mafioso Grandma”) who is full of wisdom, giving “advice” about what I can/could be doing. She using her past to help my future. “Learn from my mistakes” is a common sentence uttered by my Mum. And I listen.

This is a hard-core exercise, only a woman, or very capable man (please read about T-Rex/Moses/God in last blog if you need re-educating on why us women give birth) can do this job.

No disrespect, (ok, maybe a little), but a Man, unless they are God, Moses, or Jimmy Saville….would lose their minds within 2 seconds of doing this arduous, treacherous, slightly political (between the kids) daily, horrendous, thankless, arduous, chore.

You have to not only deal with the daily monotony of getting your kids up from a deep sleep (why the fuck cant they sleep like that at weekends is beyond me!?), giving them a hearty breakfast as lets face it…they wont be eating their lunches properly, dressed in Uniform, ready with teeth washed, hair done/brushed, numerous schools bags ready, forms filled in…..  If at this point, youre still able to be remotely nice, you keep telling yourself “Keep it together…Keep it together…Don’t go mad, don’t lose it…”

You then have to get in your car (without losing your shit because one of your kids is pissed off, tired, doesn’t like how their sibling “looked” at them, someone is “winding” the other one up, someone touched the others sock, or shoes while eating breakfast, someone smirked/laughed while the other screamed or cried (and screamed and screamed for 55 minutes) over a simple task like putting their school tights on simply because they were not in the “mood” that morning, despite going to bed at 7pm

Just briefly…. a word on bedtime for the under 6 year olds.  I put my 6 year old twins and 4 year old daughter to bed by 7.30pm during the week.  You can visibly see them starting to unravel and lose their shit around this time if theyre not already getting preped for bedtime.

I’m mean….these kids get a good 11-12 hours sleep a night.  ELEVEN HOURS EVERY NIGHT PARENTS!?  I’d look 100 years younger if I got that amount of sleep nightly…..or would at least be smiling and friggin full of beans daily.  These kids fight over everything from one of them touching the others sleeve, to breathing in each others space.  As a parent, you need to manage everything, calmly, diplomatically, as they struggle getting into the car like its a foreign, never before seen vehicle/vessel, despite doing it a 10000000 times before.

You then have to drive to their school, and usually be prepared to find an alternative route last minute, that will avoid road works, with roads that are sometimes clear, sometimes gridlocked, and all the while, driving a car the size of an ambulance in roads that were made for bicycles or Milk Floats.  During this wondrous journey to school, you need to keep your mouth shut and not get pulled into the potential conversation/moaning that occurs in the back seats from your kids (who else?!).

Even though I say this….its still not always easy to get involved in conversations you know you shouldn’t jump into.

Somehow, I get pulled in conversations I dont actually know Ive somehow been pulled into. Even when I hear the discussions brimming from the back seats, I keep telling myself “Don’t say anything….Don’t get sucked in.  They WANT you involved. They know how to engage you. Be strong”. Yet there I am….involved, knee deep in why “we couldn’t ride our Persian Rug to school” on that particular morning, and “No” it wasn’t because Monday mornings were particularly bad, due to road works.

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These discussions involve things like the followings comments;

“Mummy, what is inside that pond over there?”

“Mummy, what colour is the sky when its rained?” 

“Mummy, why is my brother touching my shoe?”

“Mummy, when unicorns were born, who are their family, or are My Little Pony really real?”

“Mummy, when I go to school, will the fish in the pond go to school too?” (my son, of course). 

Dont ask me WHY, but I STILL answer these questions.

During this whole time, my youngest child will say the following words approx. every 5 minutes, “Mummy? Mummy?”. No question, just over and over and over again, “Mummy”.  When Ive finally managed to arrive at school, I then need to park somewhere that isn’t going to, (a) block a driveway, (b) have restrictions (Ive seen traffic wardens slapping tickets on Permit Holder spaces as these are a NO NO at ANY time apparently, despite signs. Single Yellows are ok if you find a Warden while parking and BEG (we do this often, all four of us while I attempt to somehow park my HUGE car between a tree and driveway), (c) Keep everyone happy with music on the radio while trying not to get wound up by drivers who have ZERO idea on the width of their car and hold up traffic.

I HATE THE SCHOOL RUN.

If I could walk the journey to school (I FRIGGIN LOVE A GOOD WALK), I would. . ..

Anyhowsle….this genius piece of writing is being split into 3 Parts as numerous things to add to this.

To be continued….

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Where is my frigging knife &…erm… potty training…again…

Ok… soo….My BELOVED KITCHEN KNIFE… given as a wedding gift (and part of a 6 group) … has randomly disappeared in the last week. Disappeared.  How does a knife just get up and leave an apartment? Its a KNIFE for fucks sake?!

I mean, where does it go?  Is it also having Sundays off and forgot to come home until “2 for 1” hour was over?  Is it sitting on a beach somewhere in Repulse Bay, waiting for its owner/mates?  Is it meeting up with other knives on its day off and talking about how bad I am as a knife owner?  I don’t care.  The point is…how does it disappear?  Its become a conundrum… *FYI…Photo below of a Rubix cube (being an 80’s child n’ all) seemed my only way of showing a conundrum…

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Now…. I know what you’re thinking....”this crazy bitch has faaaar too much time on her hands to wonder where the frigg this knife has disappeared to…” but seriously… WHERE IS IT?!?!?

How do you lose a sharp (and I mean, “Plastic Surgeon” sharp) knife in an apartment….with three kids…under the age of 3 years old (yes…. don’t remind me)?

I’m worried that (a) its been used to cut something (usually celotape, post, Park n Shop deliveries) and forgotten about in our apartment…now lurking for an inevitable eye/leg/police report when “Mummy was drunk” injury with my kids…or (b) its off in Kowloon or Wan Chai…working the tables… earning some cash… never to return again….unless its on Asiaexpat with tales of abuse.  How does a kitchen knife, that lives in a block of knives, disappear? Seriously….its annoying the shit out of me. Stay at home Mum or working Mum… this is really irritating me.

Plus…lets be honest.  I know, that knife was taken out on a day off, or maybe while out with the kids (Chinese kids are harsh in the playground….c’mon) but just ADMIT you took it.  I kinda get why people who go mad while interrogating some criminal suspect loses it (when they know someone is lying….)… you just want them to admit the truth. i.e.. “I took the knife out with my friends to demonstrate my karate/kung fu skills while working with my English/Iranian (obviously terrorist) family and accidentally killed someone, so I tossed it in Wan Chai, and its never to be seen again”. I would accept that.

But did I get an explanation?  Nope.  My Helpers response (No.2) “ Knife?  There was another knife? In that block? Really Madam… Are you sure your drunken eyes don’t deceive you?”

My response… “Yes, that bright pink knife with the Mickey Mouse motif (from Japan Homes...love that place), does not match all the black ones.  Did you take it out? Please just tell me so I can stop the stupid search.”  Helpers response (No.2, not favourite number.1… “No…maybe you lost it when you were drinking Maaam…”

In the last week, what have I been doing?  Aside from scratching my arse, irritating the Help/Kids/Husband/neighbours… Ive been looking for a knife.   A knife. We know its gone for good (no one but me seems to be searching for it,which is always a sign it’s buried in the backyard under the rose-bush (if you live in Sai Kung), where our neighbours dog continues to sniff)…. but I just need to know where it is.

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That is what my life has become.  I think I need to go back to work….

Yeh… right.

On a separate note, something has occurred in the last 2 weeks…Scratchy (Twin B…Bigger twin.Boy) has regressed with the potty training situation.  Has anyone else experienced this?

I am going out of my mind with the smell of shit.  I actually walk away from situations rather than lecture/talk/discuss in-depth as now, it just sounds stupid.  I don’t think my Son gets it.

For a start, I think he only speaks Filipino.  Seriously.  All my kids do.  Well, that, Farsi and bits of English.  Thank the Lord for help.  If I was home..I’d be losing the Mummy plot and probably (if I’m honest) screaming, about it after months of books/talks/potty training etc).  I mean, I have sat there…with a stupid arse book about a dog doing a shit in a toilet.  I also learned (myself yes, embarrassing) where shit goes.  I mean…. really….I need to being cooing and aching over this shit (literally)? Fuck off!!!!

I think, since I discovered having help (the twins were 8 months so I was used to doing everything alone…plus I had to look after The Captain too).  I know, because I’m sooo spoilt…I can’t even stomach the smell of vomit, bad runny shit and anything that looks like an angry bully of a Chinese kid in a playground (seriously… I HATE horrible kids. The piss me off).

Our Helpers here are like family.  We are so blessed.  Anyhow…. after a few in-depth conversations with my three-year olds (last resort), I assumed, everyone understood that crapping in our Pampers pull-ups was a huge “no-no”.

Apparently, my Son didn’t get the memo…and then chose to smirk whenever there was a “mishap“. Something that gets under my skin and makes me want to scream/punch a Smurf/shout at The Captain later. A smirk at the age of 3?  What the fuck is going to happen at 15?  Bring it on son, bring it on.

You have no idea who your parents used to be.  I alone was a fucking nightmare, the Captain?  There are stories going back to the 80’s which I can’t even print.  Our kids have NO IDEA who they are messing with.  The fools.

My Son has suddenly started shitting and pissing…well…everywhere.  I don’t even think he realises its about to happen until…well… you know “touching cloth” happens.  He then walks around like a Sumo wrestler waiting to take a dump.  We discovered him peeing the other day by our swimming pool (not private) but in a hedge none the less.  Apparently “Daddy said it was ok“.  The Captain denies all knowledge.  I pretended he wasn’t mine.

Anyhow…his sister… the smaller one…4lbs 9 oz … The one I always worried about. I still ALWAYS worry about because of her coughs and hospital visits for asthma related issues (2 visits in the past year, sleeping next to her cot, 4 or 5 days minimum, she can’t catch her breath)…. she’s fine with the whole potty situation.  I thought she would be the one to keep an eye on.

She’s now, going off, with an encyclopaedia (in Mandarin, written backwards) and screams she’s done a “big poo” so we can go get her for the joyful cleanup.  Our daughter now thinks that she needs to announce every dump, to everyone.

And because she has a huge bunch of Shirley Temple curls…everyone wants to help.  I’ve seen people run across public toilets to assist wiping my daughters arse.  Very disconcerting.  We explained to our little girl that this is not acceptable (no matter how adorable) in public, but she still insists on telling everyone when she takes a dump.  She told the Taxi driver recently after sunday brunch at The Hyatt that she’d done “a big poo”.  He smiled and said he would take us to “Kowloon”. I don’t even know how that translated to “Kowloon”, although..it is considered the “dark side”.  She continues to ask for stickers/chocolate/Vodka (so proud) whenever she’s done…

Her twin brother,  5lbs 12oz, first born, massive lips/ears.  I thought would be the quicker one due to size and my zero knowledge of kids. As it turns out…size doesn’t mean anything to, well, anyone.  In the last few months I’ve changed their cots to beds, taken diapers off altogether at nap times, treated them a little bit older ie. “Do you want Vodka or Whisky with your pre-dinner aperitifs?”  My daughter has blossomed and my Son has regressed.  My daughter insists on patting her twin brother on the head and telling him “Its time for poo before stories”.  I wanted to die from pride and regret, all at the same time.

Now I get my parents…slightly.  You can’t balance different people that easily.  If one twin is sooo bright, how can you not help but encourage them?  However, the other, is different (not slower, DIFFERENT) and they are watching, as I still do, even now as a grown woman, with 3 brothers (and I was never the favourite).  I don’t want them to think I love one more than the other, ever.  But at the age of 3, I know they already do think this.  Do we all have a favourite?  You are lying through your teeth if you say you don’t.  If you don’t, please share your wisdom.

Anyhow…lets go back to the potty situation….

After having a looooong chat with the kids about taking the bars off their hotbeds, going to the potty, bla fucking shoot me bla, they agreed to behave and stay in bed for their lunchtime naps. Until I got them out, around 3/4pm ish (or whenever “Happy Hour” at the clubhouse was over).

This is what happened in my Sons bedroom.

He literally opened every drawer he could reach and took everything out of his cupboards, shelves, bed. under his bed, under the floorboards (I’m sure, if we bothered to check)… you name it.

He was naked when we found him. NAKED. And, smirking.  The cheeky sod…*Photo below… of my Son (AKA “Satan’s”) room.

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What was my reaction after seeing his room??  I backed out, stifled my giggles (took a photo obviously)…and walked away.

If I was living back home in London, alone, without help…would my reaction have been the same?  Doubtful.  I think I would have gone fucking nuts because of the mess (he literally emptied every drawer). But…this was pretty funny…. I didn’t have to tidy up.  Thank fuck for Help.

Bored

Im bored.

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This is my brief blog this week.

BOREDOM. BORED BORED BORED.

CANT DRINK.

BOREDOM.

For those internet trolls with nothing else to do but attack women…..GET A LIFE.  You’re vile, sexually aggressive comments, are a sexual, odd.  wierd gesture, which we will ensure we send on to your mama and the Police. No doubt you have records long enough to feed people.

Attacking NON DRINKERS is BORING. YES I SAID IT. I know it sounds bad AND I know I will be attacked by internet trolls for the comment but, IT IS BORING!!! PS.  For you trolls who LOVE to attack people like me (especially women on the internet….weirdoes) …get over yourself.  I can say what the fuck I want.  this is MY site.  If you don’t like it… FUCK OFF!!!  You are apparently over 18 years old so deal with it. Wierdos. Don’t read my site.

IM NOT DRINKING AND IM BORING THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF!!!  ITS SOOOOO BORING NOT DRINKING. BORING. I can barely leave the house in case I inhale fumes which may tempt me to my nearest bar.

I am going through a period of boredom, and slight, I have to admit, annoyance with my kids, and anyone else’s that get in my way.  Again this is due to being sober……  They no longer do what I friggin want them to do and also have discovered how to hurt my feelings in the process (sods).

For example, my three year old turned around and told me she didn’t want me but Daddy to sit with her at dinner (unbeknownst to her that The Captain has the patience of a one day old puppy)  While he sat there screaming back and forth that plastic dolphins don’t fly and Mickey Mouse is in fact NOT real (yes, he also told them Christmas is bullshit)…..I walked away to continue with my food fest…

I had already spent hours in the kitchen cooking them fabulous food, and my 3 year old who is no longer a cutie pie but now a judgemental/arsewipe, 3 year old decided “I DONT LIKE CHICKEN”….. despite eating it earlier that day.  Because the display was different, this seemed to throw her off on her food. Then, my son decided to spit his food out as he chews it, so he had a pile of what was delicious  chicken splatted all across the floor..  Its at this point that I MUST leave the room before I go insane after having cooked for ages with a few different dishes to inspire them, and stab myself with a spoon (plastic kid friendly one from Ikea).

I take the kids to school. Come home and cook a lovely new dish daily, then head off to the gym to work off those post twins juggle belly hideous skin syndrome (plus ONE, as I now have three kids under 3), then collect the monkies from school while they scream at me continuously that one or, the other, is touching their car seat and why oh why isn’t the music louder?

By the time I walk through the front door of my home at 11.34am….. Im ready for a shot of vodka or a mass gym session.  So far Ive gone to the gym 5 times this week….. to escape the continues moaning of my 3 year olds.  It’s exhausting to take daily. AND, yes…. spoilt me…. I have help.

Today….. it was raining and everyone was tired or hung over (*Captain included) that I decided to cook while eyeing up a bottle of red Shiraz from Margaret River.  When the house is quiet…. and I’m left to my own devices…. I cook like a friggin happy demon…… recipes to follow soon (Spaghetti meatballs), prawn curry with brown rice, chicken roulette stuffed with spinach and parmesan and gouda….pork belly with roast potatoes, Stuffed potatoes with chives…. the list is endless and due soon.

In the meantime…. look at what I found in Watsons recently…..”Lamb placenta?”  WTF?

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Satan at it again…

Someone shoot me now…or lead me to a bar so I can drink until its dry.  Shit…I’m pregnant!!  Ignore my last comment until February.

So, this week, my 21 month old son, AKA. Satan, is at it again. Screaming, crying, spitting his food out, throwing toys, bullying his twin sister, banging on the walls when he’s been put in his cot for time-out and today, he not only threw but then kicked his favourite toy car breaking a wheel off in the process.  It was at this point that I was soo frustrated that I bit my lip really really hard (so as not to slap him!) and its now blue and black in colour (that’s how hard I bit it).

Despite sharing a womb with his twin sister (although separate amniotic sacs/placenta etc), he’s totally different (she’s nice for a start!). Where she’s kind to everyone, friendly and incredibly talkative, hitting every milestone required…he’s becoming worse and worse, not to mention more jealous of her as a result.  I want to split them up at nursery so they can both grow.  PLUS, my son gets waaay more attention than my daughter in any event, due to his despicable behaviour.  We have tried everything from ignoring him to time-outs (which I will pursue) and although he’s better behaved when I’m around, the minute I walk out the room, he’s back to being his new brattish self.

As of today we discovered Satan can now climb out of his cot.  Great. Just fucking great.  The one place we knew we could keep him safe while he was having his meltdown, is now something new for him to climb out of.

On top of that, The Captain is driving me insane.  He has a habit of making huge sweeping statements that make my blood boil ie. “What you will be doing once the Baby comes and we have another Domestic Helper in the house?”  Errrr…. what the fuck??  Just because we have another Helper to help with the kids doesn’t mean anything.  People with Twins in Hong Kong know that most schools, playrooms etc wont allow any child under the age of 2/3 go to anything without ONE ADULT PER CHILD.  This means that, to date, I am one of the only Mums (among a sea of Filipino Helpers) attending all the school/playgroup stuff.

Now we have finally hired someone to join us next year to help ferry the twins back and forth from school etc, I will be stuck in-doors (again) with a newborn baby.  The Captain stating “Soooo….what will you do then when there’s 2 nannies around?” made me want to reach for his ball-sack and pull it as hard as possible!

I mean, what does a newborn baby entail?  Hmmm…. let me think for a minute.  Feeding every 3 hours, no sleep, constant puking, shitty diapers, making up endless bottles of milk, sterilizing, washing and changing about a 100 times a day as poo or sick has got on baby-gros/muslins/bibs bla friggin bla.  Not to mention your hormones are going nuts and (if they have already been fucked while pregnant) will be a zillion times worse once baby comes to not only deprive you of sleep, but you will want to harm your Husband for making such undeniably insensitive comments.

I’m lucky to get a full nights sleep now with twin toddlers and ONE nanny in the house (our current “Nanny” by the way, can’t cook fuck all, bleaches all our clothes, ruins all the furniture and forgets to lock our doors/turn the gas off).  Sure, having two people here to “Help” will ease the burden with our twins but that doesn’t mean I will be handing my newborn over to Helper A who doesn’t have the ability to move quickly on her feet at the best of times.  Nor will I hand Baby over to new Helper B, who hasn’t even started with us yet and nor has she never looked after a newborn child.

Yes…. dear Captain, my life will be soooo easy with our newborn as I’ll be sat here, sipping Cosmos and topping up my suntan while our Satan Son runs amok, our daughter is being bullied senseless by him and the newborn baby (who we will have to watch constantly due to Satan’s reaction to girls) is being fed contaminated Milk as Helper A can’t wash a fucking dish properly let alone a million bottles (I currently re-wash everything and have explained a thousand times you need to wash-up with HOT WATER!!!).

Yes, I cant wait to have not one, but two women in my home doing my head in daily, just so I can have help with our kids.  Ungrateful?  Me?  Tell someone who gives a shit.  I’m all done with apologies here.  Oh, AND The Captain wants a dog.  I told him to go fuck himself, with a pencil sharpener.  What is it I do all day?  Well  apparently I sit on my ever-expanding pregnant arse, eating chocolate and watching E! Hollywood.

Bring on baby number 3 please…. then a plane ticket back to London.  I’m soo over Hong Kong.

ps. On a separate note, the family and I went on an excursion to Hong Kong’s Disney Land for the first time since moving here.  Look what some die-hard Disney fan had piled high in their car …. weirdo.

Nannies… do you get one, or not?

Nannies… do you get one, or not?  Now to me, this seems to be the dumbest question on earth.  I mean, if you can afford one, why the hell not?!?!?   Yes, I know there are lots of Mums out there who want to do everything themselves, but really, who the fuck is going to thank you for all your efforts?  When the kids are teenagers and your running around like a mad woman, trying to be Superhuman (and working too, to pay the mortgage), just think…”Why the fuck am I doing this?!”

I saw my Mum do this for years with all of us kids.  She still does it now, with one man-child still at home and my Dad to constantly look after. Off she goes to work early every morning (5am), comes home (6.30pm), cooks, cleans, irons (yes, apparently people still do this at home when they don’t have a cleaner. I personally like putting clothes under the mattress until they just flatten out for wear) and all she does now is complain about everything she did for us.  Her exact words are; “You bloody kids ruined my life”. Well, that and my Dad pisses her off daily, just by breathing.  It’s hilarious as people in Hong Kong will ask me why my Parents don’t visit me together, and I’m like “err…. they want a holiday!?”  I hate those weirdos who grew up in a loving, happy, normal household where their parents do shit together, even now. It makes my arse twitch.  I just didn’t grow up in that sort of environment. Which… in hindsight, is probably why my kids will grow up in one of those annoyingly happy, sing-a-long households I never had. Everything in our house, BTW, is a song.  EVERYTHING!!  If you have toddlers who love Little Einsteins (yes, mine watch telly from time to time – shoot me), Handy Manny, Dora The Explorer, Baby Einstein and now, that annoying program “Wiggle & Learn”…. you sing to everything, and dance constantly.

Sorry, I digressed …. so recently I’ve been chatting to all and sundry about whether having a Nanny, or any form of “Help” in the house is essential.  Now, I realise in Hong Kong, every other person with young kids, does have a Domestic Helper working for them either full, or part-time.  I personally would have killed myself slowly with a blunt object or by overdose of white wine/vodka/nail polish remover, if I didn’t have someone relieving me of my duties from time to time.  I mean, I’m still human for fucks sake!?  I need time out to go and chill.  And if I spend my time, relaxing in a bar, who is anyone to judge? He who throws the first stone and all that shit.  So, its fair to say that I have had a mixed bag of experiences I will share with you so that you can make up your own minds.  What I can say is that I hate those judgemental types, especially those who are back home in the UK (normally my frenemies), who say things like “What do you need a Nanny for?  Why can’t you do stuff yourself?” or “G-d I’d HATE to have someone in my house all the time.  I like to do things myself anyway”.  I’m like, “Yeh, you’re just jealous luv”.

Right, where do I begin?  When The Captain and I discovered we were expecting Twins, our reaction was complete and utter joy.  We were soooo happy to be expecting two babies after not being able to have any for 2 years, we were giddy with it all.  Lots of our friends on the other hand, who had kids, snickered quietly to themselves as they knew we were in for the biggest shock of our lives.  Bastards.  They could have warned us not to buy white furniture eh?!  Especially as every piece of furniture eventually got covered with bed sheets once the monkeys arrived due to their Reflux and non-stop vomiting. 

Anyhow, this dumb joy did eventually turn into worry when on the same day we discovered Itchy & Scratchy were coming, The Captain was also made redundant from his banking job, as were sooo many others all over the World.  What did we do when the shit hit the fan? Well, being two completely irresponsible juveniles, trapped in adults bodies, we decided to go travelling (there was still only the two of us after all).  I gleefully packed in my swell-paid, yet shitty job, which I fucking hated…. (bull-shit sales with a bunch of arseholes. Yes, I’m slagging those cows I used to work with off, simply because they were sooo unkind while I went through IVF).  

The Captain and I sold our nice sports car (the new owner almost drove off with the Captain hanging onto the roof, crying & wailing, “MY CAR. MY BEAUTIFUL CAR!!” and bought a Mini Convertible to do a 3 month trip across Italy and Spain.  Yes, people.  Me, lugging around 2 babies inside my ever-expanding tummy, and The Captain, drove and ate our way across Europe.  * NB. European tales to follow in a different post in the future.

It was sooo liberating to just say, “let’s go travelling!” (our families were mortified) and I managed to wipe the smug look off my soon to be ex-employers faces when I said I was resigning. I used to work for ladies who resembled those on the Kings Road and Sloane Square (SW1 London).  You may not know the types (for those who don’t come from London) but these ladies are usually called “Sloaney Ponys”.  You can see them poncing up and down Chelsea with their blonde hair tied up in a pony tail with a big black hairband across their heads, Chanel Handbag tucked under their arm, Penny loafers on their perfectly manicured feet and Blazer on (usually with a Family Crest stitched on the front).  A silk handkerchief is also usually seen expertly placed around their necks (helpful when you feeling like strangling one of these snobs). Anyhow, my boss, a Sloaney Poney, was like, “oh, *rah (*English posh slang) but The Captains lost his job and you’re pregnant dahling. Surely you need to work, yah?”  Yeh, right.  These are the same people who introduced standing up until you made all your sales calls for the day … then you could sit down.   Who gives a crap if you’re pregnant or not?   I was soooo happy to leave and unsurprisingly, they lost all their original staff (7 resignations in a matter of weeks), due to their horrible work ethic. Anyhow… apologies, I’m digressing again.

So…. The Captain and I first organised a Night Nurse before we left the UK, so that she would be on hand from the minute the kids arrived out of Hospital.  The Captains lovely Dad, gave us a night nurse for a month as a baby present (sod everything else anyone ever offers to buy you.  This is THE ONLY gift you ever need in the UK).  So, after a few meetings and calls, we picked someone we thought was hugely experienced and knew what she was doing.  Alarm bells should have told me otherwise when she kept calling to catch up with me prior to the birth.  I just thought, “Oh isn’t she nice from checking up on me”.

As it turns out, we hired the biggest Nutbag in NW London.  This crazy woman turned up, the day I arrived home from the hospital, with 3 day old Twins, and started showing my Mum and the Captain how to wash bottles, sterilise everything etc.  At first we all thought she was ok, but then my Mum (whose had 4 kids) walked out saying ” this womans crazy”.  

I went to bed which apparently also pissed the Night Nurse off as she wanted to show me everything.  I know how to make up bottles and wash you silly woman!!!   You’re here between 10pm – 7am to feed the kids while I recover from my C-Section.  BUT, alas.  It was never to be this simple. This CRAZY Nutbag, not only filled in a book every night in great detail (yes, write down what the kids drank/did) but then insisted on speaking to you for approximately 45 minutes every morning as you came downstairs bleary eyed to deal with a whole new day of everything.  This woman got sooo angry at us, that she made me cry 4 days in after one of the babies had become unswaddled when she arrived and she yelled at me, “NO DARLING, YOU DID IT WRONG!!!  The baby could have died!”    What a bitch.  

Now, if we hadn’t been sooo desperate to sleep, we would have booted that stupid crazy cow out of the house right away, but we needed her.  Plus, I was soo hormonal and didn’t know my arse from my elbow, let alone realise this woman was a bully.   She was, however, very good with the kids (we had cameras at home too).  After a week of non-stop craziness, the Captain (who was still out of work), and I would argue about who would go down in the morning to deal with her (we had her 3 nights a week for the first month).  Neither of us could face hearing her annoying screeching voice, and her description of “poo” every morning.  

I recall one morning, begging The Captain to go down and deal with her & the nightly handover.  He begged me to go, I begged him more.  I couldn’t deal with the “shock” of it all right away.  You know, seeing the kids and starting another WHOLE day of puking, being covered in shit and sick. And the lack of sleep.  Wow, that alone can kill you.  Plus, this Nutbag, complained that no one offered her a cup of tea in the morning.  I mean, she also slept… it’s not like she was awake all night (not unless I slipped the kids some sugar just to wind her up).  She used to state, “Some of my ‘Mummies’ (thats what she called me but I swear it’s because she couldn’t remember my name), will make me Tea and sit for a chat in the morning”.  I’m like, errr… Fuck off out my house now.  Which crazy Mum, whose barely slept for a week, will then want to sit with this stupid, crazy cow first thing in the morning after a broken nights sleep to chat shit?!

Suffice it to say, I emailed my Twins club the following week and was given the name of an amazing lady. She in turn, arrived at our home one evening, took over and told us to sleep.  She even threw in extra hours free of charge, when she knew we were exhausted.  This amazing Angel of a woman, who could have taken us for a lot more money, told us to contact her friend who trained Maternity Nurses so that we could get some proper help.  This was THE best advice we ever received.  

We swiftly got rid of Nutbag (who funnily enough never had any new clients call us for a reference) and we ended up with an abundance of help 6 nights a week, giving these “Trainee Maternity Nurses” experience with Twins.  When I say Trainee, I don’t mean 16-year-old young girls.  These are all grown church going women, with kids and grandkids, looking to earn some real money later down the line.  They didn’t want any money but just their travel costs (£10 at the time but I hear this has now increased). One even knelt down in the middle of our lounge and said a prayer for us when she left in the morning (I admit I had to cover my mouth in order to hide my giggles). This was , however, the same woman who also said The Captain looked like “Barak Obama”, and he really actually doesn’t (as in, he may as well be Ginger, he looks THAT different). I loved these women and the lady who set this whole thing up is still training nurses now.  She is an actual Midwife and would come to our house with some trainees to show how to properly change nappies, staying hygienic when dealing with babies, how to breast feed a stubborn baby, deal with Reflux and how to bathe a new-born etc.  We were their guinea pigs but in return we got pretty much free, lovely staff.  We had help for nearly 5 months, using 4 different lovely ladies (one of which became our part-time nanny in the UK, until we left to move here).

So, ask me again…. do I think a Nanny is necessary?  OF COURSE FUCKING OF COURSE.  Don’t do everything yourself and try to be a Martyr.  No one is going to love you more or less.  Take Help when you can get it (from family or friends, or paid if you can afford it) and rest when you need to.  We all do from time to time.   Also, if you can’t afford the help, don’t keep judging those who can.  Thats also not fair.

I’ll be signing off for a few weeks now ladies as I’m hitting the UK for some serious party time.  I’ll touch base soon….if I make it back in one piece!

ps.  I’ll write more about my travels with The Captain in another post some time in the future when I get a moment.

pps. I’ve been reading up about the recent Casey Anthony Trial and am sooooo shocked at the verdict.  Of course no one knows what happened, but the fact this woman didn’t report her child of 2 years, missing for 30 odd days is weird in itself.  Any thoughts on this?  Drop me a line. * photo above taken as we left Bora Bora in 2007.

Baby poo….every day, its the same old shit

So today was one of those days.  You know the kind where you wish you had stayed hidden under your duvet as it was all sooo fucking pointless!?  I woke up feeling horrendous as I’ve not been able to sleep again for the last few weeks.   The Twins keep waking in the middle of the night, and after much discussion with the Captain, it was agreed they must now sleep in separate rooms.  More for my own sanity rather than theirs.  As it turns out, neither child noticed the other was missing.  No surprise there then.  Also, their all important lunch-time naps (yes I still follow Gina Ford and probably will do until they’re 18 years old, or I’m carted off to The Priory) became a running joke (between Itchy & Scratchy).  I was constantly having to go into their room to see who was giggling, babbling, not sleeping, too hot, too cold, had crap themselves, just wouldn’t nap, only to be a cranky git later …. you get the gist.  And before you say, “You’ve got a nanny though”, yes I do and she needs constant supervision otherwise we’d all be screwed (she left the gas on in our kitchen for the 4th time in the last 2 weeks…I think shes trying to kill us all).

Anyhow, as the Twins have finally started to eat normal food, hence cutting my constant pureeing days of hell down to half (apple and mango puree anyone?), I was hoping life would begin to get, well, a little easier.

Instead, this is the shit i have had to deal with over the three weeks.  This will also explain my lack of blogging (hey, my brains not been able to function or even string enough words together to make a sentence).

So, starting three weeks ago, we discovered I may not be able to return back to my beloved London, UK, as those nob munchers on the airlines are very specific about Air Line regs and stated I couldnt travel with 2 pains in the arses (ie. the Twins) under the age of 2 years old…. unless I had another adult accompanying me.  Well, the Captain has to work, my Parents aren’t well enough and our Nanny hadn’t worked long enough to be allowed to do the flight with us.  It turns out, some cockbag (sorry, I mean, WANKER) in Immigration who was a real jobsworth (& English too), was no help when we attempted to get our Nanny a Visa to the UK.  So, we inadvertently applied for the wrong one, due to lack of any advice, and she was rejected.  Anyhow, after an appeal (and nearly 3 wasted weeks later… which includes a dramatic raise in airline prices), we are now able to go back to London for a few weeks to see my family & friends.  I can’t fucking wait.  I’ve actually started marking lines on the calendar like some prisoner in jail, awaiting their release date before they spring for freedom.

Since all that crap started, I have been suffering with THE WORST insomnia of my life. Nothing has helped me sleep (yep, not even prescription meds by the local Dr’s that “could knock out a horse”) and then, the kids, kicked in with their lack of sleep … or maybe they picked up on my stress levels?  Apparently I’ve been “shouting alot recently”, according to The Captain, but then if you have to keep an eye on two wandering, mobile, climbing 16 month olds, who think all furniture (including the walls), is something to climb, draw, bite into (seriously), or fall through…. you would be screaming “THATS DANGEROUS!!” too, every few minutes.  The kids don’t even give a shit.  They think I’m bloody having a laugh with them.  Cheeky sods.  My daughter actually put her hand near the oven door, BUT, didnt physically touch it yesterday.  She just stood there, with her hand hovering next to it, to demonstrate to me that (a) She wasn’t touching it, and (b) but she could if she felt like it.   I stood there eyeballing her thinking, “I’m screwed when she hits 15”.

Anyhow, for the last 2 weeks, aside from a horrific reaction to an insect bite (which involved a trip to the Adventist hospital for an injection) I have endured NO SLEEP at night.  I feel like I’m actually working the nightshift before I start my full day shifts too.  Ive now started drinking copious amounts of Red Bull (note to self, must stop tapping legs constantly), as Im not a coffee drinker and my beloved Earl Grey Tea doesnt really do the trick any more.  I mean, the kids are really really really trying to kill me through my lack of sleep!  They use sleep deprevation as a method of torture in war.  I can understand why … although after all my training, I think I’d actually be a pro at this (if I ever got called up to serve Queen & Country).

Anyhow, today, the kids, after enjoying their new found favourite cheese and macaroni lunch, managed to do the biggest, vilest, stinkiest poos I’ve ever experienced. I actually gagged and thought, I was going to be sick.  Now, it could have been the cheese, as this is a new food in their diets (well, not very new but they’ve never had it piled high up on their plates), or it could just be, they both have slightly dodgy tummies. Apparently theres lots of sickness amoung the little ones at the moment in Hong Kong.  Either way, it was more hardcore today than any other.  Especially as mid nappy change, my Daughter, who was giggling away, pulled her poo filled nappy out from under her and threw it into the air!   INTO THE AIR. FILLED WITH SHIT.  ME, THREE RED BULLS LATER, BLEARY EYED AT 6AM IN THE MORNING…..

So, after I burst into tears and cleaned the shit off both of us (we had a shower), I then set to cleaning out the nappy changing area, which constantly stinks of baby shit.  I mean, where is the smell coming from?!  I feel like I’m constantly looking for poo.  Yes, the nappy bin is cleaned/washed/changed daily but I swear theres a poo hiding somewhere in that bathroom.  I can’t bloody find it.  I now keep lighting candles during the day to take the smell away.  This has only made the bathroom now smell of shit and vanilla.  Lovely.

Anyhow…. Im ready to get home to the UK and have some normal London sleep, near my Parents (they’re no fucking help on the babysitting front but they do look after me) and I want to just escape this Hong Kong life for a few weeks.  To feel like me again, without all the nobby playgroups, constant outings with complete strangers, drinks, dinners, parties, holidays…. yes, I’m an ungrateful bitch.  So…. If I’m offline soon, it’ll only be for a short while so I can live it up back in London.  And by that, I mean, going to bed early and chilling.  Yeh right!

* Above photo taken diving in the Maldives