Tag Archive | twins

Satan at it again…

Someone shoot me now…or lead me to a bar so I can drink until its dry.  Shit…I’m pregnant!!  Ignore my last comment until February.

So, this week, my 21 month old son, AKA. Satan, is at it again. Screaming, crying, spitting his food out, throwing toys, bullying his twin sister, banging on the walls when he’s been put in his cot for time-out and today, he not only threw but then kicked his favourite toy car breaking a wheel off in the process.  It was at this point that I was soo frustrated that I bit my lip really really hard (so as not to slap him!) and its now blue and black in colour (that’s how hard I bit it).

Despite sharing a womb with his twin sister (although separate amniotic sacs/placenta etc), he’s totally different (she’s nice for a start!). Where she’s kind to everyone, friendly and incredibly talkative, hitting every milestone required…he’s becoming worse and worse, not to mention more jealous of her as a result.  I want to split them up at nursery so they can both grow.  PLUS, my son gets waaay more attention than my daughter in any event, due to his despicable behaviour.  We have tried everything from ignoring him to time-outs (which I will pursue) and although he’s better behaved when I’m around, the minute I walk out the room, he’s back to being his new brattish self.

As of today we discovered Satan can now climb out of his cot.  Great. Just fucking great.  The one place we knew we could keep him safe while he was having his meltdown, is now something new for him to climb out of.

On top of that, The Captain is driving me insane.  He has a habit of making huge sweeping statements that make my blood boil ie. “What you will be doing once the Baby comes and we have another Domestic Helper in the house?”  Errrr…. what the fuck??  Just because we have another Helper to help with the kids doesn’t mean anything.  People with Twins in Hong Kong know that most schools, playrooms etc wont allow any child under the age of 2/3 go to anything without ONE ADULT PER CHILD.  This means that, to date, I am one of the only Mums (among a sea of Filipino Helpers) attending all the school/playgroup stuff.

Now we have finally hired someone to join us next year to help ferry the twins back and forth from school etc, I will be stuck in-doors (again) with a newborn baby.  The Captain stating “Soooo….what will you do then when there’s 2 nannies around?” made me want to reach for his ball-sack and pull it as hard as possible!

I mean, what does a newborn baby entail?  Hmmm…. let me think for a minute.  Feeding every 3 hours, no sleep, constant puking, shitty diapers, making up endless bottles of milk, sterilizing, washing and changing about a 100 times a day as poo or sick has got on baby-gros/muslins/bibs bla friggin bla.  Not to mention your hormones are going nuts and (if they have already been fucked while pregnant) will be a zillion times worse once baby comes to not only deprive you of sleep, but you will want to harm your Husband for making such undeniably insensitive comments.

I’m lucky to get a full nights sleep now with twin toddlers and ONE nanny in the house (our current “Nanny” by the way, can’t cook fuck all, bleaches all our clothes, ruins all the furniture and forgets to lock our doors/turn the gas off).  Sure, having two people here to “Help” will ease the burden with our twins but that doesn’t mean I will be handing my newborn over to Helper A who doesn’t have the ability to move quickly on her feet at the best of times.  Nor will I hand Baby over to new Helper B, who hasn’t even started with us yet and nor has she never looked after a newborn child.

Yes…. dear Captain, my life will be soooo easy with our newborn as I’ll be sat here, sipping Cosmos and topping up my suntan while our Satan Son runs amok, our daughter is being bullied senseless by him and the newborn baby (who we will have to watch constantly due to Satan’s reaction to girls) is being fed contaminated Milk as Helper A can’t wash a fucking dish properly let alone a million bottles (I currently re-wash everything and have explained a thousand times you need to wash-up with HOT WATER!!!).

Yes, I cant wait to have not one, but two women in my home doing my head in daily, just so I can have help with our kids.  Ungrateful?  Me?  Tell someone who gives a shit.  I’m all done with apologies here.  Oh, AND The Captain wants a dog.  I told him to go fuck himself, with a pencil sharpener.  What is it I do all day?  Well  apparently I sit on my ever-expanding pregnant arse, eating chocolate and watching E! Hollywood.

Bring on baby number 3 please…. then a plane ticket back to London.  I’m soo over Hong Kong.

ps. On a separate note, the family and I went on an excursion to Hong Kong’s Disney Land for the first time since moving here.  Look what some die-hard Disney fan had piled high in their car …. weirdo.

Nannies… do you get one, or not?

Nannies… do you get one, or not?  Now to me, this seems to be the dumbest question on earth.  I mean, if you can afford one, why the hell not?!?!?   Yes, I know there are lots of Mums out there who want to do everything themselves, but really, who the fuck is going to thank you for all your efforts?  When the kids are teenagers and your running around like a mad woman, trying to be Superhuman (and working too, to pay the mortgage), just think…”Why the fuck am I doing this?!”

I saw my Mum do this for years with all of us kids.  She still does it now, with one man-child still at home and my Dad to constantly look after. Off she goes to work early every morning (5am), comes home (6.30pm), cooks, cleans, irons (yes, apparently people still do this at home when they don’t have a cleaner. I personally like putting clothes under the mattress until they just flatten out for wear) and all she does now is complain about everything she did for us.  Her exact words are; “You bloody kids ruined my life”. Well, that and my Dad pisses her off daily, just by breathing.  It’s hilarious as people in Hong Kong will ask me why my Parents don’t visit me together, and I’m like “err…. they want a holiday!?”  I hate those weirdos who grew up in a loving, happy, normal household where their parents do shit together, even now. It makes my arse twitch.  I just didn’t grow up in that sort of environment. Which… in hindsight, is probably why my kids will grow up in one of those annoyingly happy, sing-a-long households I never had. Everything in our house, BTW, is a song.  EVERYTHING!!  If you have toddlers who love Little Einsteins (yes, mine watch telly from time to time – shoot me), Handy Manny, Dora The Explorer, Baby Einstein and now, that annoying program “Wiggle & Learn”…. you sing to everything, and dance constantly.

Sorry, I digressed …. so recently I’ve been chatting to all and sundry about whether having a Nanny, or any form of “Help” in the house is essential.  Now, I realise in Hong Kong, every other person with young kids, does have a Domestic Helper working for them either full, or part-time.  I personally would have killed myself slowly with a blunt object or by overdose of white wine/vodka/nail polish remover, if I didn’t have someone relieving me of my duties from time to time.  I mean, I’m still human for fucks sake!?  I need time out to go and chill.  And if I spend my time, relaxing in a bar, who is anyone to judge? He who throws the first stone and all that shit.  So, its fair to say that I have had a mixed bag of experiences I will share with you so that you can make up your own minds.  What I can say is that I hate those judgemental types, especially those who are back home in the UK (normally my frenemies), who say things like “What do you need a Nanny for?  Why can’t you do stuff yourself?” or “G-d I’d HATE to have someone in my house all the time.  I like to do things myself anyway”.  I’m like, “Yeh, you’re just jealous luv”.

Right, where do I begin?  When The Captain and I discovered we were expecting Twins, our reaction was complete and utter joy.  We were soooo happy to be expecting two babies after not being able to have any for 2 years, we were giddy with it all.  Lots of our friends on the other hand, who had kids, snickered quietly to themselves as they knew we were in for the biggest shock of our lives.  Bastards.  They could have warned us not to buy white furniture eh?!  Especially as every piece of furniture eventually got covered with bed sheets once the monkeys arrived due to their Reflux and non-stop vomiting. 

Anyhow, this dumb joy did eventually turn into worry when on the same day we discovered Itchy & Scratchy were coming, The Captain was also made redundant from his banking job, as were sooo many others all over the World.  What did we do when the shit hit the fan? Well, being two completely irresponsible juveniles, trapped in adults bodies, we decided to go travelling (there was still only the two of us after all).  I gleefully packed in my swell-paid, yet shitty job, which I fucking hated…. (bull-shit sales with a bunch of arseholes. Yes, I’m slagging those cows I used to work with off, simply because they were sooo unkind while I went through IVF).  

The Captain and I sold our nice sports car (the new owner almost drove off with the Captain hanging onto the roof, crying & wailing, “MY CAR. MY BEAUTIFUL CAR!!” and bought a Mini Convertible to do a 3 month trip across Italy and Spain.  Yes, people.  Me, lugging around 2 babies inside my ever-expanding tummy, and The Captain, drove and ate our way across Europe.  * NB. European tales to follow in a different post in the future.

It was sooo liberating to just say, “let’s go travelling!” (our families were mortified) and I managed to wipe the smug look off my soon to be ex-employers faces when I said I was resigning. I used to work for ladies who resembled those on the Kings Road and Sloane Square (SW1 London).  You may not know the types (for those who don’t come from London) but these ladies are usually called “Sloaney Ponys”.  You can see them poncing up and down Chelsea with their blonde hair tied up in a pony tail with a big black hairband across their heads, Chanel Handbag tucked under their arm, Penny loafers on their perfectly manicured feet and Blazer on (usually with a Family Crest stitched on the front).  A silk handkerchief is also usually seen expertly placed around their necks (helpful when you feeling like strangling one of these snobs). Anyhow, my boss, a Sloaney Poney, was like, “oh, *rah (*English posh slang) but The Captains lost his job and you’re pregnant dahling. Surely you need to work, yah?”  Yeh, right.  These are the same people who introduced standing up until you made all your sales calls for the day … then you could sit down.   Who gives a crap if you’re pregnant or not?   I was soooo happy to leave and unsurprisingly, they lost all their original staff (7 resignations in a matter of weeks), due to their horrible work ethic. Anyhow… apologies, I’m digressing again.

So…. The Captain and I first organised a Night Nurse before we left the UK, so that she would be on hand from the minute the kids arrived out of Hospital.  The Captains lovely Dad, gave us a night nurse for a month as a baby present (sod everything else anyone ever offers to buy you.  This is THE ONLY gift you ever need in the UK).  So, after a few meetings and calls, we picked someone we thought was hugely experienced and knew what she was doing.  Alarm bells should have told me otherwise when she kept calling to catch up with me prior to the birth.  I just thought, “Oh isn’t she nice from checking up on me”.

As it turns out, we hired the biggest Nutbag in NW London.  This crazy woman turned up, the day I arrived home from the hospital, with 3 day old Twins, and started showing my Mum and the Captain how to wash bottles, sterilise everything etc.  At first we all thought she was ok, but then my Mum (whose had 4 kids) walked out saying ” this womans crazy”.  

I went to bed which apparently also pissed the Night Nurse off as she wanted to show me everything.  I know how to make up bottles and wash you silly woman!!!   You’re here between 10pm – 7am to feed the kids while I recover from my C-Section.  BUT, alas.  It was never to be this simple. This CRAZY Nutbag, not only filled in a book every night in great detail (yes, write down what the kids drank/did) but then insisted on speaking to you for approximately 45 minutes every morning as you came downstairs bleary eyed to deal with a whole new day of everything.  This woman got sooo angry at us, that she made me cry 4 days in after one of the babies had become unswaddled when she arrived and she yelled at me, “NO DARLING, YOU DID IT WRONG!!!  The baby could have died!”    What a bitch.  

Now, if we hadn’t been sooo desperate to sleep, we would have booted that stupid crazy cow out of the house right away, but we needed her.  Plus, I was soo hormonal and didn’t know my arse from my elbow, let alone realise this woman was a bully.   She was, however, very good with the kids (we had cameras at home too).  After a week of non-stop craziness, the Captain (who was still out of work), and I would argue about who would go down in the morning to deal with her (we had her 3 nights a week for the first month).  Neither of us could face hearing her annoying screeching voice, and her description of “poo” every morning.  

I recall one morning, begging The Captain to go down and deal with her & the nightly handover.  He begged me to go, I begged him more.  I couldn’t deal with the “shock” of it all right away.  You know, seeing the kids and starting another WHOLE day of puking, being covered in shit and sick. And the lack of sleep.  Wow, that alone can kill you.  Plus, this Nutbag, complained that no one offered her a cup of tea in the morning.  I mean, she also slept… it’s not like she was awake all night (not unless I slipped the kids some sugar just to wind her up).  She used to state, “Some of my ‘Mummies’ (thats what she called me but I swear it’s because she couldn’t remember my name), will make me Tea and sit for a chat in the morning”.  I’m like, errr… Fuck off out my house now.  Which crazy Mum, whose barely slept for a week, will then want to sit with this stupid, crazy cow first thing in the morning after a broken nights sleep to chat shit?!

Suffice it to say, I emailed my Twins club the following week and was given the name of an amazing lady. She in turn, arrived at our home one evening, took over and told us to sleep.  She even threw in extra hours free of charge, when she knew we were exhausted.  This amazing Angel of a woman, who could have taken us for a lot more money, told us to contact her friend who trained Maternity Nurses so that we could get some proper help.  This was THE best advice we ever received.  

We swiftly got rid of Nutbag (who funnily enough never had any new clients call us for a reference) and we ended up with an abundance of help 6 nights a week, giving these “Trainee Maternity Nurses” experience with Twins.  When I say Trainee, I don’t mean 16-year-old young girls.  These are all grown church going women, with kids and grandkids, looking to earn some real money later down the line.  They didn’t want any money but just their travel costs (£10 at the time but I hear this has now increased). One even knelt down in the middle of our lounge and said a prayer for us when she left in the morning (I admit I had to cover my mouth in order to hide my giggles). This was , however, the same woman who also said The Captain looked like “Barak Obama”, and he really actually doesn’t (as in, he may as well be Ginger, he looks THAT different). I loved these women and the lady who set this whole thing up is still training nurses now.  She is an actual Midwife and would come to our house with some trainees to show how to properly change nappies, staying hygienic when dealing with babies, how to breast feed a stubborn baby, deal with Reflux and how to bathe a new-born etc.  We were their guinea pigs but in return we got pretty much free, lovely staff.  We had help for nearly 5 months, using 4 different lovely ladies (one of which became our part-time nanny in the UK, until we left to move here).

So, ask me again…. do I think a Nanny is necessary?  OF COURSE FUCKING OF COURSE.  Don’t do everything yourself and try to be a Martyr.  No one is going to love you more or less.  Take Help when you can get it (from family or friends, or paid if you can afford it) and rest when you need to.  We all do from time to time.   Also, if you can’t afford the help, don’t keep judging those who can.  Thats also not fair.

I’ll be signing off for a few weeks now ladies as I’m hitting the UK for some serious party time.  I’ll touch base soon….if I make it back in one piece!

ps.  I’ll write more about my travels with The Captain in another post some time in the future when I get a moment.

pps. I’ve been reading up about the recent Casey Anthony Trial and am sooooo shocked at the verdict.  Of course no one knows what happened, but the fact this woman didn’t report her child of 2 years, missing for 30 odd days is weird in itself.  Any thoughts on this?  Drop me a line. * photo above taken as we left Bora Bora in 2007.

Baby poo….every day, its the same old shit

So today was one of those days.  You know the kind where you wish you had stayed hidden under your duvet as it was all sooo fucking pointless!?  I woke up feeling horrendous as I’ve not been able to sleep again for the last few weeks.   The Twins keep waking in the middle of the night, and after much discussion with the Captain, it was agreed they must now sleep in separate rooms.  More for my own sanity rather than theirs.  As it turns out, neither child noticed the other was missing.  No surprise there then.  Also, their all important lunch-time naps (yes I still follow Gina Ford and probably will do until they’re 18 years old, or I’m carted off to The Priory) became a running joke (between Itchy & Scratchy).  I was constantly having to go into their room to see who was giggling, babbling, not sleeping, too hot, too cold, had crap themselves, just wouldn’t nap, only to be a cranky git later …. you get the gist.  And before you say, “You’ve got a nanny though”, yes I do and she needs constant supervision otherwise we’d all be screwed (she left the gas on in our kitchen for the 4th time in the last 2 weeks…I think shes trying to kill us all).

Anyhow, as the Twins have finally started to eat normal food, hence cutting my constant pureeing days of hell down to half (apple and mango puree anyone?), I was hoping life would begin to get, well, a little easier.

Instead, this is the shit i have had to deal with over the three weeks.  This will also explain my lack of blogging (hey, my brains not been able to function or even string enough words together to make a sentence).

So, starting three weeks ago, we discovered I may not be able to return back to my beloved London, UK, as those nob munchers on the airlines are very specific about Air Line regs and stated I couldnt travel with 2 pains in the arses (ie. the Twins) under the age of 2 years old…. unless I had another adult accompanying me.  Well, the Captain has to work, my Parents aren’t well enough and our Nanny hadn’t worked long enough to be allowed to do the flight with us.  It turns out, some cockbag (sorry, I mean, WANKER) in Immigration who was a real jobsworth (& English too), was no help when we attempted to get our Nanny a Visa to the UK.  So, we inadvertently applied for the wrong one, due to lack of any advice, and she was rejected.  Anyhow, after an appeal (and nearly 3 wasted weeks later… which includes a dramatic raise in airline prices), we are now able to go back to London for a few weeks to see my family & friends.  I can’t fucking wait.  I’ve actually started marking lines on the calendar like some prisoner in jail, awaiting their release date before they spring for freedom.

Since all that crap started, I have been suffering with THE WORST insomnia of my life. Nothing has helped me sleep (yep, not even prescription meds by the local Dr’s that “could knock out a horse”) and then, the kids, kicked in with their lack of sleep … or maybe they picked up on my stress levels?  Apparently I’ve been “shouting alot recently”, according to The Captain, but then if you have to keep an eye on two wandering, mobile, climbing 16 month olds, who think all furniture (including the walls), is something to climb, draw, bite into (seriously), or fall through…. you would be screaming “THATS DANGEROUS!!” too, every few minutes.  The kids don’t even give a shit.  They think I’m bloody having a laugh with them.  Cheeky sods.  My daughter actually put her hand near the oven door, BUT, didnt physically touch it yesterday.  She just stood there, with her hand hovering next to it, to demonstrate to me that (a) She wasn’t touching it, and (b) but she could if she felt like it.   I stood there eyeballing her thinking, “I’m screwed when she hits 15”.

Anyhow, for the last 2 weeks, aside from a horrific reaction to an insect bite (which involved a trip to the Adventist hospital for an injection) I have endured NO SLEEP at night.  I feel like I’m actually working the nightshift before I start my full day shifts too.  Ive now started drinking copious amounts of Red Bull (note to self, must stop tapping legs constantly), as Im not a coffee drinker and my beloved Earl Grey Tea doesnt really do the trick any more.  I mean, the kids are really really really trying to kill me through my lack of sleep!  They use sleep deprevation as a method of torture in war.  I can understand why … although after all my training, I think I’d actually be a pro at this (if I ever got called up to serve Queen & Country).

Anyhow, today, the kids, after enjoying their new found favourite cheese and macaroni lunch, managed to do the biggest, vilest, stinkiest poos I’ve ever experienced. I actually gagged and thought, I was going to be sick.  Now, it could have been the cheese, as this is a new food in their diets (well, not very new but they’ve never had it piled high up on their plates), or it could just be, they both have slightly dodgy tummies. Apparently theres lots of sickness amoung the little ones at the moment in Hong Kong.  Either way, it was more hardcore today than any other.  Especially as mid nappy change, my Daughter, who was giggling away, pulled her poo filled nappy out from under her and threw it into the air!   INTO THE AIR. FILLED WITH SHIT.  ME, THREE RED BULLS LATER, BLEARY EYED AT 6AM IN THE MORNING…..

So, after I burst into tears and cleaned the shit off both of us (we had a shower), I then set to cleaning out the nappy changing area, which constantly stinks of baby shit.  I mean, where is the smell coming from?!  I feel like I’m constantly looking for poo.  Yes, the nappy bin is cleaned/washed/changed daily but I swear theres a poo hiding somewhere in that bathroom.  I can’t bloody find it.  I now keep lighting candles during the day to take the smell away.  This has only made the bathroom now smell of shit and vanilla.  Lovely.

Anyhow…. Im ready to get home to the UK and have some normal London sleep, near my Parents (they’re no fucking help on the babysitting front but they do look after me) and I want to just escape this Hong Kong life for a few weeks.  To feel like me again, without all the nobby playgroups, constant outings with complete strangers, drinks, dinners, parties, holidays…. yes, I’m an ungrateful bitch.  So…. If I’m offline soon, it’ll only be for a short while so I can live it up back in London.  And by that, I mean, going to bed early and chilling.  Yeh right!

* Above photo taken diving in the Maldives

Life …. can we have it all?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Life and happiness in general.  After, everything that’s been going on in mine over the past 5 years, I would never have believed, for one millisecond, that I would end up in Hong Kong.  Plus…. I was holding out for Miami or New York (unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen in my “real” life).  This post, before you start reading, is a bit of a mish-mash.  Tit-bits of my life, religion, family, death, but mainly, it’s about finding some peace and happiness … even when your Husband pisses you off and the kids don’t ever seem to stop screaming.  And, no, I haven’t turned all hippy on you, although this is mainly because I can’t find a decent enough drug dealer in HK that sells my beloved skunk.

Anyway, this weeks post is about a bit of everything, but mainly its about being true to ones self.  Something I’ve started doing more and more.

So, to begin with, have I ever mentioned that I converted to Judaism not long ago? Probably not.

Why? Well… lets face it.  There’s a shit load of bigots out there and my folks weren’t too impressed either.  Especially as I shamelessly did it to marry The Captain (not because I woke one morning after watching “Sex & The City” thinking… “Hey, that shit looks like fun!”).  I also turned to the Captain after we married and laughed “I lied!  I just wanted a rock on my finger.”  I was joking, of course.

Actually, I say my parents weren’t too impressed but, well, my Dad is pretty much a born again Jew.  He’s an Iranian chef who left home at 11 years old (no, seriously, he did), having grown up in the Liverpool equivalent of a hard-core Estate (a shed in Kashan, Iran, with a Cow they used to get their daily Milk from … unless it was on strike)  I lie not.  He ended up in London, originally as a Butler for a British family who lived in the Little Boltons, Fulham, SW London (dahling) at the tender age of 16 years old.

When Dad arrived at Heathrow Airport, all he had as proof of his new job, was a piece of paper with information of the family he was going to work  for.  The paper had a scribbled note with their name, number and address.  He didn’t speak one word of English though but had a big grin.  This alone, made my heart break for him when he told me this story, as Dad, well , he looks like a cuddly cute Teddy Bear (just as any girls Dad should)…. even if mine was a bit of a cheeky swine from time to time.  He sat there, all those many years ago, in Heathrow Airport, for 3 hours waiting for these people to collect him.

He was terrified, well, Dad’s exact words were “I vuz fakin vurried as deese Ineglish peepol cud ‘ave been  fakin bastard, u no?” … imagine an Iranian accent (*nb. Iran is not an Arabic country, before you start getting confused. In fact, it’s the only country in that part of the Middle East with no Arabs… unless they live there.  Not a huge deal but its like calling an Irish Protestant, a Catholic).  Anyhow, Dad had approximately £5 in his pocket (we’re talking 1947 era) and was shitting himself that they were going to put his tiny bum back on a plane to Tehran, if no one came to “claim him” …. like baggage.  This is the same man who stood and screamed, and cried, when I passed the UK Bar to become a Solicitor as no one in his family, including my criminal brothers, had gone to this level of any profession (I was also chuffed I’d managed to pass “The Bar” and not stop off for a few glasses of Vodka en route to the Ceremony).

So, after a few years, Dad left this “fakin luvelee fameleee”(his English had got a little better, clearly) and worked in many restaurants and Hotel kitchens as a washer-up, and, eventually, he learnt to cook.

He was soo poor, that at one stage, they (Dad and some other mates) actually went to Trafalgar Square and took Pigeons home to cook them.  Dirty skanky PIGEONS!???   ** RSPCA people, please don’t contact me about this.  We are talking dirt poor in London, in the 1950’s  where people were having a pretty crap time (a bit like the UK now, although with manners & less teenage pregnancies & chavs).   It’s no bloody wonder he told me to “piss fakin off” when I wanted to travel the world at 18 years old.  “Travellll, de facking werd?! Get a fackin job you silly cow!”, in an Iranian accent, even after 30 years in the UK (despicable really).  My Dad, to me, is very soft, kind and gentle and although he swears like a right old c%$t, he’s unbelievably kind and very very sweet, to me. Anyone else who crosses him though….well lets just say he’ll rip your fakin head off.

Anyway, apparently, Pigeons, well they taste just like chicken, if you add some nuts, salt/pepper, raisins and Basmati Rice (Iranian staple to every meal…especially if you add Saffron).  Now, when I was in the South of France a few years back with the Captain, I ordered “Pigeon” and I kid you not, it tasted like shit.  It even looked like a Pigeon (yes, hypocritical) and I like my meat to look like it never came from a live animal, you know!?   Anyhow, as my Dad learnt to become a Chef, I discovered the art of cooking, especially meat, which is odd as my best friends are all bloody vegetarian.  I tried it once (being a veggie) … highly overrated if you ask me.  I lasted 3 days, by which point I was sooo hungry, I think I ate a human being as I got off my bus in Clapham Junction.  My Dad, gave me, or should I say, indulged in my passion, for food and this is where I learnt to get angry if someone wandered into the kitchen mid-cooking…. it drives me nuts!!  I need space to work and if someone wanders into the kitchen to “help“, well …. you’re just asking for a bitch slap.

Anyhow,  Dad ended up owning a well know “Continental restaurant” in NW London for many years, full of 80’s pop-starlets too, open until 6am in the days when everyone else back in the 80’s couldn’t get a licence for booze at that time, throwing one very well-known celeb out whenever he got drunk…. it was the usual story.  He certainly saw some partying in his time too.  When Dad tells you one of his restaurant day stories (cocaine being snorted off the dinner tables (they had a back room and thats where shit always happened, sex in the loos etc), even now, I sit cross-legged in front of him like I’m waiting for a story during “show and tell” at school.  He also had a huge autograph book that all the famous people used to sign when they went to his place for drinks or food.  A couple of months before he sold the restaurant (after 20+ years), someone ran in and stole this book from behind the counter.

So, my Dad should really have been a Jew, which, if you know ANYTHING about religion, its pretty much the same thing (in my opinion) s being a Muslim… or recently, I heard the genius term, “Muslish”.   Circumcisions, arguing non-stop (with anyone) about everything, family forever involved in all that you do, fasting on religious holidays, bla bla bla … but he did none of the religious stuff…. he liked the “community” Jews brought with them and has lots of Jewish friends himself. He liked all the togetherness.  Shit I hate. Why? Despite this site… I’m actually very private (go figure).  I hate being in huge crowds or groups (unless I’ve been drinking) which makes me go into overdrive where I have to talk in short-sentences, then I talk bull-shit and if all else fails, I drink away my fear to give me confidence (yes, even at very boring pointless functions… actually, any excuse for a drink).

I recently feel, well, bloody fed up of always being polite when I dont want to be.  I’ve stopped doing things I dont want to do. I wanna have fun!! When I die, I’ll know I wasn’t a hypocrite – I didnt say “Yes” when I meant to say “No”.  I can’t do that fake shit anymore.  Plus, its boring.

The Captain on the other hand … well… this Man… he has my admiration for being himself 24 hours a day.  I would give my arsehole for that alone.  He’s my idol in so many ways and the man doesn’t even know it.  He’s true to himself.  If he thinks something, well, he just goes ahead and says it (sometimes I call it “Captains Tourette”).  Amazing shit as I was always told to be polite and keep my gob shut unless spoken to.  Basically, I grew up being a polite, nice, errr… mute.  I also always got seated with Parents at functions (obviously when I was a teenager as now… Im’ kept away from anyone elderly) as I was considered“Parent friendly”.  Basically, I can charm the arse off you if I have to.  Not always of course, as there are people out there who just dont like you.  Fact of life really.   One of my old work colleagues HATED me.  She was a real cow too.  I went home once, telling The Captain, “this bird just really doesn’t like me”, from day one.  She STOLE my pashmina from work once, going “ooh sorry, I didnt realise it was yours”.  What a bitch right!?  There were loads of stains on it too. When the Captain eventually met her at a wedding, he said “yep… she hates you”.  I don’t really care, but thats life.  I can’t stand certain people for reasons unknown, even to myself. And as it turns out, people can also hate me too.  Go figure!

Anyway, the Captain is THE most honest, open, doesn’t give a shit who says what, person I know.  I mean, there are times I’m like“Babe, seriously…. tone it down!”   If he’s just insulted someone or done something soooo unbelievable, I apparently always give a “nervous laugh” to apologise for his atrocious, albeit, honest, behaviour (sometimes, I actually think he’s my 3rd child).  He’s also the person who always pushes to the front of an entire queue as he can’t wait for anything… and I’m usually in tow, covering my face from the shame, until we get away with it.   He recently drove past an entire queue of cars on Chinese Bank Holiday, a queue that stretched approx half a mile for a car park in Stanley (south side of Hong Kong and a massive tourist place).  He over-took every car (I thought he was driving on), and then TURNED into the grass car park and literally parked the car.  The poor Car Park Attendant, not trained in this crazy English mans actions shouted “NO!! NO!!! THERE IS QUEUE!”.   The Captain, in the meantime, started pulling the Twin buggy out the boot, while I was sat in shock in the front of the car, as the Twins watched this crazy Genius at work.  The Captain shouted back “I’m NOT MOVING. Sorry.  I have Twins and they’re hungry”.   I’m amazed he didn’t pull me out the car too, saying “and she’s an alcoholic…. I can’t queue”.

Despite the young mans protests, The Captain ignored him and carried on getting things out the boot (kinda like we were moving there, and with Twins, you always have a shit load of stuff to take to any type of outing).  With that, I literally got out the car and followed him.  The poor young Car Park guy stood there, mouth wide open, thinking…. “what the fuck just happened?!”  The Captain slipped him some cash (and I swear, a wink), and off we went. All the cars queueing must have thought we were (a) Diplomats, or (b) owned the bloody car park.  GENIUS.

Sorry… I’m digressing.  So back to converting to being a Jew, and my parents backgrounds.  So. My Mum.  Well, she grew up in a strict posh Muslim household in the Centre of Tehran (before the “Revolution”), where, drinking, no head scarves, bacon sarnies (not really), open fornication with the opposite sex, was ok (until it all got fucked up).

EVERYTHING, with my Mum is a conspiracy.  Everything.  From the Revolution in Iran which, I’m hazy on despite numerous discussions at home (personally I don’t want to get into it as there’s too much corruption, everywhere, and I just don’t get what happened!?)  For any Iranians, not in hiding (or, afraid to share…yes, afraid)….people don’t really chat about it. Unless my Mum arrives and tells you what “actually took place”.  My Mum seems to have worked for the CIA/FBI/Mums of Tehran Group and she told me NOT to, in any way, get involved when there was the recent riots during the Political corruption while voting and numerous students being killed in Tehran…trying to stand up against an archaic regime.  Innocent blood being shed as there were “insiders” among the Protestors, who pulled out guns and shot these innocent people.  Only people who live there, seem to know whats really going on, however, the outside world’s Media appears to be very restricted in covering these types of stories.

My Mum actually told my Hubby-to-be, on their very first meeting, ” Now listen sunny boy, you all stick together and my Daughter is too sensitive for you. Oh & BTW, your car’s a pile of shit’… he drove a nice sports car at the time.  I didn’t know until one year after we married that my 5 ft 2 inch Mum gave The Captain his 1st warning to literally take the high road, and piss off as he was Jewish, and well, I clearly wasn’t. When I say Jewish, I’m talking relaxed (basically he has a very loose understanding of his own religion until he re-learnt everything when I converted), so not strict (what you would call, a“Twice-a-year-to synagogue Jew“…. he only went during religious Holidays.  Kinda like my Catholic mates for Midnight Mass at Xmas… which we were all drunk for too, even at 16 years old.  Don’t ask me why I was there).   My Mum, to this day, defends what she did as she was soo worried I wouldn’t be accepted by The Captain’s family.  My Mum still clearly lives in a different era where crap like that still happens by ignorant arseholes who have no idea about, well anything.  For the record, she adores The Captain and always jumps to his defence whenever we have a row.  This wasn’t about religion, but acceptance.

My Grandma, whose favourite I will always be (my cousins argue about this very simple and yet obvious truth…. but its true), well, she went to Mecca three times in her life (always dressed in white) and believed in her Muslim religion. I love and loved that about her.  Depth, truth and belief.  She never ever faltered and I remember she once slapped me, on the hand (which fucking stung), for mimicking her while she did her 4am prayer in my parents house while she stayed there (I had just got in after a night clubbing in a shitty Disco/pub in Kingston, hence why I was awake). What a nob (am I)!?  I learnt immediately to show some respect to (a) our elders, and (b) people who believe in their religion.  She loved me loads too.  I was the only one she left 3 vintage handbags for when she passed away, one of which contained, her gloves, comb (she had fine black hair like silk), and a handkerchief….it broke my heart.  She also left me her Pearl bracelet.  My Cousins…. well they got bugger all.

When she passed away, I didn’t leave our apartment for 2 weeks.  Even now, 5 years later (she missed my wedding by months after slipping into a sudden coma), I hurt.  When The Captain and I went to Miami a few years ago, we were walking through the hell they call their departure lounge, the lady who went to take my ticket (she looked Chinese/spanish/4ft 2 inches high), basically like my Grandma.  Well, I looked up, saw her face and walked away from the queue, in tears.  The Captain, walked over, peeved we lost our place in the craziness of horrific Miami airport (worst in the world for check-in especially if you look remotely Middle-Eastern)… and I started crying.  I almost threw myself into her arms and told her I missed her so much. Pathetic?  No.  We all do this.  I’ve had moments, like on the tube at Holborn station, where a 4ft 2 inch Muslim granny, with a kind, Chinese looking, button nose, sweet smiling face, gave me a look on the escalator (going in the opposite direction).  I gulped back tears and followed her up 2 floors.  I know she’s dead, but I love that I have this memory for life.  She was funny, strict, a Mum of 7 (well, 8 if you count, and of course you should, Baby one who she lost after 3 months…. fucking hardcore).  Her gift to me was a card that she had written when I got engaged, a few months before she died.  I have to put this into English, as in my language, I may as well be describing a dancing goat in a field with rainbows (but it has meaning).

She said…“Remember that when you have children, you are the Mother and leader of your household, you carried your children, you deserve to be looked after later on by them, by your husband, by your family.  Enjoy your life, never stop smiling and laughing, and always be you”.

The one thing people apparently notice about me right away, is that I’m always smiling (kinda like a crazy patient who needs meds).  I want to live happily though and now, I’m a Mum, I want to make sure my kids grow up in a safe, happy, secure house full of fun, laughter, great food and lots of wine (for me clearly).

Why all this chat about being happy?  Well recently, Ive had loads of chats with friends who are “un-happy” in their lives.  Something doesn’t feel right, or everything is crap.  I’m trying to be happy for me and The Captain. For my kids.  For my parents, who lets face it, thought I’d end up in Prison/unemployed, or shacked up with some arsehole, after all my school expulsions as a teenager.  I didn’t settle gals.  I’m sooo meant to be happy, so why, why why, am I still, missing a piece of the puzzle?  I will tell you why.

We are told to live life according to everyone’s bull-shit appearances.  You sometimes forget whats genuinely important.  The minute I arrived in Hong Kong, I realised, I suddenly understood what family and friendship was really all about, and how much it meant to me.

I WONT do the whole “living life according to societies rules” anymore.  I wont let people talk down to me, or make me feel small (I used to when I was younger, but not now).  I also stopped the minute I saw my Mum in intensive care after her stroke. And I was a pussy.  I didn’t go in to witness the tubes.  I sat outside all night and slept on a chair.  I told the Captain I needed alone time.  No friends, no family, just me and my Mums best friend who I adore.  Shes shares the same name as me (funny as they weren’t best mates before I was born).  She slept on the floor of her hospital every night with a bottle of Vodka under her coat and her 40 Silk Cuts.  She brought food, she held my hand because she knew, I literally couldn’t breath.  What the fuck was I going to do if my Mum left me?   Luckily, she recovered from the stroke.

Me?  I have to say, after being brought up in South West London and going to a Catholic School run by Irish Nuns, I am positive, I have always believed in religion (mine being the religion of wine/non-judgement/sex with strangers/narcotics) and God.  I don’t and never will, believe in being TOLD how to worship anything (unless they are Christian Louboutin shoes, in which case, tell me where/when/time/sale price), in any way shape or form.   I believe in God though.  Why?   He …. lets face it, God is definitely a bloke…. a female God would never put us through child-birth/periods/men.  Well this He-God, saved me during my moments of despair.  My Mums stroke, my fertility problems, when I have to check on my Twins every night (whether they sleep through, or not), just to make sure they are safe.  I also have a word with God from time-to-time and ask him to keep an eye on them for me (especially my Daughter who thinks her head is made for banging into floors and walls).

Now don’t get me wrong, or start judging me as some holy-shmoly weirdo, as I don’t sit there praying daily either (hey…I’m too busy drinking), but I do believe in being positive, in seeing what I want for my future.  If I ask for it, surely it will happen no?!   Of course, you have to work at it too.  Shit doesn’t just fall into your lap (unless you’re rich to begin with, or well, fucking lucky… in which case piss off now).  The harder you work towards what you want, the easier it will come to you.  I do believe in this.

Signing off now.

Ps. I’ve been bitten to shit by mossies (I have “Skeeter syndrome”) & woke this morning looking like, and I quote by our nanny, “Angelina Jolie”.  Shame the lips have now deflated though due to my batches of Clarytin.  I’m going to start sitting out on the balcony at night, covering my lips in Honey and waiting for them to be attacked again.

Playgroups & Schools in Hong Kong

So, as you know…being a Mum of Twins is never easy at the best of times. Well… actually being a Mum is never that easy and is probably THE most thankless job … especially to Twins.  Now, I also have to contend with finding a good preschool/Reception class for the kids to get into in  Hong Kong.  On top of all of that, I’m dealing with some serious “unfriendliness” at my local playgroup, with a leading Nursery on the Southside being my new pet hate.  When I say unfriendly, I mean, downright bitchy!!  I try to make conversation with Mums and get a laconic reply to even the smallest “so, how old’s you little girl?”.  The response is normally (a) “It’s a boy”, or (b) “one years old and 2 days”, with a long sigh before a friend arrives at the Playgroup and Im shunned from all conversation immediately as they exchange bull-shit chit-chat of their weekends together.  LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!!!

I’ll firstly begin with the whole “putting your kids name down for a good school”, which has turned out to be an absolute nightmare, and sooooo competitive.  To begin with, I want a school which also has a UK curriculum (of some sort) only because I’m hoping/trusting, we will one day return back home and the kids can slot right back into school (despite the massive upheaval, Tax issues and shock of the cold shitty, rainy UK weather & rude service staff).

Anyhow, back to School visits, The Captain asked one of the Fathers, (also doing a tour of one of the many “International Schools” we were going to look at) if he’d seen many good schools so far.  The Fathers response was “yeh”.  Not, “yes, we’ve been to bla ba bla…”.  Nothing just a point-blank, competitive, terse, dickhead (they also had Twins as it turns out), “yeh”.  Arsehole.  The Captain in response to this blokes total “unfriendliness” and the other set of Parents also on Tour of the school, decided to ask AS MANY QUESTIONS possible during the tour.  I mean, sooo many questions, I even looked over at him to say “Mate, we don’t even like this school, relax”.  He couldn’t though as although The Captain sounds normal, he is just as nuts (if not more so) than I am.  He’s also hugely argumentative and LOVES to wind people up. Seriously.  He asked me for a “pen & pad” and starting writing stuff down.  Where is that notepad now?!  Who cares!  Winding people up is his speciality.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  Sometimes genius, sometimes, very annoying (especially when you need to be somewhere else).

Sooo…. what is it with this whole school business in Hong Kong? I mean, if we were in the UK, I would (a) be escorting my services out once again to pay for private schools, (b) begging all Grandparents to pitch in as they don’t really need a retirement fund anyway in this day and age when anything can happen to their money or (c) pick our favourite and send her (ooops, or him) off to private school while the other braves a harsh state school sooo hardcore, you have your shoes, lunch and usually house keys stolen before you’ve got to your first class.   Harsh? Yes.  Honest? Yes!!

My younger brother went to a state school in Wimbledon, South London.  One of the better ones allegedly.  He got bullied sooo much (hey, even the Headmaster did by some of the 16 year olds, that scared the crap out of me when I used to collect him from school), he once walked out of school with a bloody nose and dried nail marks down the side of his face.  He was 6 years old.  I, being 10 years older, stormed into the Headmaster’s shitty office with peeling wall paper and after much bullshit, got an apology but that was it.   I was only 16 years old after all and who cares what I said, I wasn’t his parent… but close enough as I pretty much raised him.  I wanted blood for what those silly bitches had done to him.  My little brother, who had been taught from a young age, never to hit girls (no matter how irritating they were), was picked on by 2 little cows in the boys loo.   Even to this day, I could picture those little faces as I wanted to cause them some serious harm.  One of the girls Mums rang my parents to sloppily “apologise” but it was all just an act.  If one of my own kids came out of school with anything like that, I’d go fucking mad and I wouldn’t make any apologies for going in and giving that kid (whoever that poor sod was) a good old verbal telling off, unless he/she/it really pissed me off, in which case, I’d remove a flip fop, start hitting …. and wait for the Police to turn up.

Since we moved to HK, I’ve witnessed brats on a different level to anything I’ve ever seen before.  To be fair… I grew up with lovely, polite, well spoken (to our parents anyway) girls who never ever did, what I have experienced since moving to Hong Kong.  I’ve seen Helpers give kids a good whack when they misbehave, but, to be fair, I’ve also seen the most vulgar behaviour from kids here (between the ages of 7 ish to 12 ish).  Rude screaming, shouting at their helpers … no parents in sight though.  My kids…. for the record… are aware of boundaries, with me anyway.  I grew up with very strong, harsh boundaries and that’s what they will get too (hopefully).  I am a better, stronger person for it.  My poor helper walked away from a baby-milk-drinking situation a few days ago, as my son cried for her over me, as she would have given in to holding his cup. HOLDING HIS CUP.   Did I give in, so he liked me more? No.  I carried that cheeky monkey and he will not remember her over me, I’m afraid to say, in a few years.  I’m setting boundaries.  Life is not easy.  He comes to me first and foremost always though and this gives me the strength to carry on, feeling like a complete 1950’s Mum-type cow.  I’m raising them after all & I’m not mean, but you are not helping them by just handing over everything they need.  I’m also there so I am not, in any way, saying, all helpers are bad, or all mothers in HK give in.  I’m NOT saying this.   I’m saying, I’m not sure… in fact thats a big fat lie… in my mind… I dont want Itchy & Scratchy being complete arseholes who expect everything on a plate.  I never had it.  I wouldn’t give things that easily to a friend i was trying to teach something to.  You wouldn’t do it with your best friend.  Why do it with your kids?! Kids know they can try it on (hell, I did!) and will do anything if no one stands in.  My kids, I’m afraid to say, only understand me telling them off in my own language (which was always English until I gave birth).  My Original language though, I wont say which, but, maybe because it sounds angry… well.. lets just say, they dont argue with Mum.  I’m not mean, I don’t need to scream.  I just do the old fashioned “Mum stare”.

Now, I’m in Hong Kong, trying to PAY for a private privileged education and STILL, you have no guarantee of getting your kids into a Reception class (from the age of 4 years old!?! wot the fuck?!).  I told the Captain, I will be happy to sleep with the Headmaster (or Mistress if needs be) of our chosen school.  I even dressed a little too slutty for our look around which appeared to make the old chap happy (by that I actually mean The Captain who kept perving at me all morning) as we wandered around an AMAZING school with views over mountains.  MOUNTAINS PEOPLE?!?!  How lucky are my kids?! Or any child living it up in Hong Kong.  I had a view of the Dartford Tunnel, Kent (its shit… Google it if you care) when I went to school.

So, that’s my trying to get the kids into a school story.  Pay a shit load of money (you don’t get refunds on “administration fees and deposits”) and even then, despite putting their names down THREE YEARS in advance, you don’t know if they get in.  Debentures from companies work wonders though and bump you up to the front of a huge line of parents waiting for their Prince or Princess to get in.   FUCK OFF YOU ELITE GITS!!! How unfair is that?  It wouldn’t be if we had one of course, but we don’t. So I’m pissed off.  If I could be arsed, I may try doing the whole home schooling thing, but really…. I personally need time out for myself (plus there are too many happy hours to leave undrunk in Hong Kong).

Now, part two of my joyous last few weeks involves the godforsaken hell that is the “Playgroup” which you actually pay for at a Nursery.  I HATE going to these.  I feel like the naughty kid in school for a start as all the Mums turn up in floaty dresses (when did they come back in fashion btw?!) and I feel all “rock n’ roll” (Captains words not mine) in jean shorts, T-shirt (usually saying “burn in hell”) and smoking a spilff (ok I’m joking but I may as well bloody be?!).  I did see one HOT Mama today picking up an older child who I immediately wanted to be mates with (she had jean shorts on, ripped shirt… no friends but bloody gorgeous).

Now, I have explained to The Captain, that I HATE playgroups. Hate them.  Yes, they may allegedly be great for the kids to encourage social skills of all kinds but, really?!  Why can’t I just meet up with people who have kids (which I also hate doing BTW as its such hard work)?  I mean, this “free play” time business is basically something you could do at home.  They don’t have padded floors (much-needed with my Daughter who thinks her head is made of sponge), it’s all the same, plus germs, viral infections and horrible kids/parents.

One Mum turned up today with a child soooo sick, he was coughing and spluttering all over everything.  When I say “everything, I mean things your kids then pick up and put right in their mouth. The stupid selfish cow.  Yes, I’m being mean but they’ve all been soo unfriendly from day one, i can’t even give a crap to be polite about this.  I never ever go to a playgroup/persons home, if I or one of the kids have been sick.  Especially when people have kids of their own.  It’s just fucking selfish.

Everyone in the playgroup was moving away from this woman and her coughing son, who then had the balls to try to HIT my daughter in the face as she happily ran past him during “freetime”.  She managed to duck his slap but, he still clipped the side of her ear and …. I then tripped him up.  Yes. I did.  He was mean to all the kids in the class and before you say it’s because he was “ill or out of sorts”, it’s not.  This boy is nasty.  I hate him. He’s only 1.5 years old but he has hurt approx 70%  of the playgroup class with paint brushes, slaps directly to the mouth, hitting kids with the tambourine (during the marvel that is music time) and all other kinds of crap that his Mum needs to reel in ASAP.  What kinda woman have I turned into?!  I used to love kids until they started trying to torture my own.

Anyhow…that’s it from me.  I’ll let you know if we ever get into a school I like.  Sorry, I mean “we”... The Captain keeps pointing out the kids also do belong to him…. even if I did carry them for 9 months and all the fertility shit that came with it.

I can’t name the school’s I’m keen on for Legal reasons (I’m sure) and also, I wont name my painful playgroup I’m subjecting the kids to weekly, as we’re all STILL, 9 mothes later, still trying to settle into this new home.   One thing though.  One AMAZING thing for me. I’m soooo in love with our kids …. they are really becoming people now, you know.  They do things every day, where I go “wow!!”  And that can involve anything from holding a cup, to eating Pizza (for kids with acid reflux.. this is a huge deal for me right now!).

Hope you’re all well out there.

 

* Photo taken from the top of The Dragons Back trek in Hong Kong.

Twins… do you have a favourite?

Children, Twins, Triplets etc …. do you have a favourite?  Ok, ok …. I SAID IT.  Do Parents have favourites?  Are we even allowed to say that OUT LOUD?!  Now… before you all start saying “Oh no, never”, I have to ask as recently, I’ve been struggling to understand how you can’t have a favourite, from time to time anyhow.
In my own life, before I had children, I noted in almost every family, that one child was always preferred over the other. Ok, not always openly…. but you could definitely see it.  To be fair, it didn’t really seem to bother the boys as much as the girls.  The Captain for example is the favourite in his family.  He claims he’s not, but he sooo is (plus his Grandma recently told me).  I on the other hand, was never the favourite.  For starters, I was causing havoc in my parents house, getting expelled from school, raiding their Drinks cabinet, smoking spliff out the bedroom window, having boyfriends climbing up drain pipes and sleeping in my cupboard until my Mum found him the next day  reeking of Cider (true).  All of this before I was 15 years old…. it’s no wonder they wanted to kill me.  As a baby though…. i was apparently an independent angel.  But, still not the favourite.
I’m now torn from time to time with my own kids.  Despite all resolutions to never have favourites, things aren’t panning out that way.  Now, according to some books on Twins (and I read a shit load before Itchy & Scratchy turned up), Parents get confused as to how they react and feel towards their kids.  Some days they have a favourite child, and on other days, well, lets just say you want to run away and hide under a tree (or in a Bar, which is clearly my personal preference).
Anyhow, my question is this …. Do you have a favourite?  If so, do you feel as guilty as I do when those moments occur?  Now,  before you all start going mad at me, the truth is this…. my favourite child is the one who behaves themselves on THAT particular day.  I don’t love the other child any less but if they are misbehaving, well, you know… you’re only human.
Take my Son for example.  He loves to SCREAM (& I mean SCREAM!!!!) and, in fact, screamed the whole way to Bali (4.5 hour flight from Hong Kong), that even his own Grandparents wanted to throw him off the plane.   This child knows when he has an audience and therefore, kicks off with this whole screaming business just as everyone around us is starting to relax/enjoy a book/snooze on the plane.  What did I do to keep myself calm and not lose it?  I put ear plugs in, plastered a smile on my face at all the passengers who looked like they wanted to kill me for having given birth to Satan, and ordered myself a glass of white wine.  The bloody Air Stewards wouldn’t give me another glass after I downed the first one like it was a shot of tequila…. so I stole The Captains while he hid in the loo…. for most of the flight.  Apparently he had a dodgy tummy but I know a liar when I see one. Hell, I would have hidden in there with him if someone would have taken my son off my hands.
Yes, kids cry and yes, they also get jealous of their siblings.  My son keeps trying to poke his sisters eyes out and she has now started biting anything and everything, including The Captains legs (which made me laugh so much the other day, I actually peed on the floor).  But, by having a favourite every so often, doesn’t negate how much I love them both, equally.  I just have less tolerance for the annoying one from time to time.  Yes, I just said that out loud.  But,  all mothers experience this surely?!?
Please don’t turn up with burning torches outside my apartment until you have experienced Twins screaming, biting and blatantly trying to kill their mother through lack of sleep.
I also know all about the issues that arise when favouritism occurs in a household. Having come from a family where I have (a) Middle child syndrome, (b) Am the only girl, which is a minus in my books and never led to “Little Princess syndrome” – a damn shame as everyone else in the house got bought a car on their 18th birthday, save for me.
In fact, I was sooo NOT the favourite, that my parents took their first photos of me when I was about 6 months old, and even then, they only took TWO photos until I turned ONE.  My Mum claims its because I was bald and didn’t look great in photos.  I’m like“errr…. I was a BABY?!”   She also claims not to have had a camera. What a crap reason is that?!  No camera?!  I wasn’t born during the 1920’s for fucks sake!!   Plus, to add insult to injury, my older brother had hundreds of photos of him from the minute he was born, including video footage actually exiting the womb and hes 5 years older than me.   Speaking of which, my not-so-Saintly older brother, who had a whole shrine dedicated to his birth, first hair curl, first tooth, endless photos of him on the potty … bla bla bla, tried to convince me (even to this day) that I was, in fact, adopted.  I would believe this ordinarily, considering I am soooo different to my family in almost every way, but I look exactly like both my parents (minus my Dad’s beard).   I have to admit, that there were many a moment as I child, when I dreamt (and prayed) for my real parents to show up and whisk me away to their mansion in Miami (where I was the only child, accidentally switched at birth by some gross accident made by the Hospital).
Now…. during arguments with my Mother, never my Father who (a) never had any favourites and (b) resembles a squidgy, kind Teddy bear so you can’t really argue with him in any event, I will throw the whole “You always favoured that ungrateful git (my older brother) over me!!!”   Mum would respond, “Dont be stupid…. I hate you all the same” (I’m one of four).  Bloody lovely (and clearly mindful of all our feelings).   Now my Mum says she doesnt and never did have favourites, but you know what, my brothers have all screwed up soo much lately, my Dad (bless him), keeps banging on about how“great” I am.  Its pissing my brothers off soo much and FINALLY, I am the favourite.
It only took moving to another country to make them see that.

Easy, amazing, quick, Cheese on Toast

Ok…so… I tried this amazing take on cheese on toast.

It’s easy, so even those of you who pretend you can’t cook….well…. this is just…yum.  Hangover or not, this is lovely.

If you’re a single girl/guy, and wake to offer your booty call some breakfast before your easy lay leaves… well this piss easy breakfast of posh cheese on toast will seal the deal (for another shag), should you so wish…although, lets face it… when the beer goggles are off…. you can’t BELIEVE what you took home the night before.  Sometimes, even a name is a little fuzzy – oh yes, the shame.  Like I give a shit.

Anyhow… YOU MUST TRY THIS…at LEAST once. Impress guests when they stay over (add some sausages, tomatoes, bacon, a few eggs, beans…bloody fab).

BEST CHEESE ON TOAST IN THE WHOLE WORLD (CALORIFIC but worth it!) – INGREDIENTS & HOW TO COOK IT

  • White bread (as many as you want to eat).  Cheap or expensive…it doesn’t really matter… BUT….cut the crusts off (you don’t have to but its kinda nice… and a little bit… rahhh dahling yah rahh) and toast it.

  • Butter. Again…cheap or not. Up to you but spread it on the toast. Generously …. up to the corners of every slice.

  • Honey Dijon Mustard, spread ON TOP of the butter.  The sweetness of this particular Mustard makes this even more yummy.

  • Cheddar cheese (sliced or grated), thickly laid on top of the slice (or slices) of bread (the depth of half a finger I think is really enough… unless you feel like scrubbing your grill/oven after).

  • A couple of tiny slices of tomato (not a WHOLE tomato…a couple of slices from the tomato…on top).

  • Black pepper …grind it on top (and if you like Tabasco… add a drop on top of that too).

  • Place under the grill until the cheese is melted, but not burnt… I reckon, put your timer on for about 2 minutes and keep checking the grill.  You want golden, not burnt cheese/bread.

  • After, take the cheesy toast out of the oven, splash on some Worcestershire sauce (who can pronounce that properly?!) if you fancy.

  • Eat, enjoy with a hot cup of builders Tea (I love Earl Grey.. not builders tea clearly) but Yorkshire/PG Tips/English Breakfast (whatever?!)….bloody lovely AND a great start to your day.

ps. If you love Sausages or eggs, add one or two on top…. its indulgent but…it’s breakfast.

pps. If you can’t cook this… well…. shame on you.  Even a blind dog with one leg and no ball sack can cook this.  You’re just being a bit…fucking lazy.

ppps. If you worry about calories. Use low-fat cheese, low-fat butter/spread and even that horrible diet bread (I’ve not seen it in Hong Kong).  You’ll work those calories off within 3 hours of waking  (if you have twins, or copious amounts of sex).  In hindsight… if you have twins, you’re probably (a) having no sex with your partner as you’re still mortified by what happened the last time, and (b) you’re too bloody tired and want to kill your Husband.

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