Tag Archive | toddlers


Im bored.


This is my brief blog this week.




For those internet trolls with nothing else to do but attack women…..GET A LIFE.  You’re vile, sexually aggressive comments, are a sexual, odd.  wierd gesture, which we will ensure we send on to your mama and the Police. No doubt you have records long enough to feed people.

Attacking NON DRINKERS is BORING. YES I SAID IT. I know it sounds bad AND I know I will be attacked by internet trolls for the comment but, IT IS BORING!!! PS.  For you trolls who LOVE to attack people like me (especially women on the internet….weirdoes) …get over yourself.  I can say what the fuck I want.  this is MY site.  If you don’t like it… FUCK OFF!!!  You are apparently over 18 years old so deal with it. Wierdos. Don’t read my site.

IM NOT DRINKING AND IM BORING THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF!!!  ITS SOOOOO BORING NOT DRINKING. BORING. I can barely leave the house in case I inhale fumes which may tempt me to my nearest bar.

I am going through a period of boredom, and slight, I have to admit, annoyance with my kids, and anyone else’s that get in my way.  Again this is due to being sober……  They no longer do what I friggin want them to do and also have discovered how to hurt my feelings in the process (sods).

For example, my three year old turned around and told me she didn’t want me but Daddy to sit with her at dinner (unbeknownst to her that The Captain has the patience of a one day old puppy)  While he sat there screaming back and forth that plastic dolphins don’t fly and Mickey Mouse is in fact NOT real (yes, he also told them Christmas is bullshit)…..I walked away to continue with my food fest…

I had already spent hours in the kitchen cooking them fabulous food, and my 3 year old who is no longer a cutie pie but now a judgemental/arsewipe, 3 year old decided “I DONT LIKE CHICKEN”….. despite eating it earlier that day.  Because the display was different, this seemed to throw her off on her food. Then, my son decided to spit his food out as he chews it, so he had a pile of what was delicious  chicken splatted all across the floor..  Its at this point that I MUST leave the room before I go insane after having cooked for ages with a few different dishes to inspire them, and stab myself with a spoon (plastic kid friendly one from Ikea).

I take the kids to school. Come home and cook a lovely new dish daily, then head off to the gym to work off those post twins juggle belly hideous skin syndrome (plus ONE, as I now have three kids under 3), then collect the monkies from school while they scream at me continuously that one or, the other, is touching their car seat and why oh why isn’t the music louder?

By the time I walk through the front door of my home at 11.34am….. Im ready for a shot of vodka or a mass gym session.  So far Ive gone to the gym 5 times this week….. to escape the continues moaning of my 3 year olds.  It’s exhausting to take daily. AND, yes…. spoilt me…. I have help.

Today….. it was raining and everyone was tired or hung over (*Captain included) that I decided to cook while eyeing up a bottle of red Shiraz from Margaret River.  When the house is quiet…. and I’m left to my own devices…. I cook like a friggin happy demon…… recipes to follow soon (Spaghetti meatballs), prawn curry with brown rice, chicken roulette stuffed with spinach and parmesan and gouda….pork belly with roast potatoes, Stuffed potatoes with chives…. the list is endless and due soon.

In the meantime…. look at what I found in Watsons recently…..”Lamb placenta?”  WTF?


The Terrible Horrendous Twos (and I ain’t talking shit)

So for all you lovely Mums out there, secretly binge drinking on white wine in the afternoon (or Vodka which doesn’t smell), how many of you are experiencing the crazy, horrific “terrible twos”?  No, I don’t mean after a night at the local curry house when you  shit all day, I mean ….. your kids.

* Photo above are essentials needed for a “stay-at-home-Mum”.  The horrid coloured diaper is an “organic non-chemical” nappy but it looks very weird and a little too brown for my liking (almost like an envelope or something you see in The Victoria & Albert Museum from the days of  Henry 111V (the eight?!).

Back to the story… so… my twins are now in the middle of what seems like a constant joke, at my expense.  They now tell me “NO!!!” (WTF?!) when they don’t want something, they try to dress themselves (this has included some HIDEOUS outfits that I can’t prise off them), turning their cups of water upside down just to see the mess it makes, and generally not listening to one fucking word we say. And smirking in my face too.

It takes A LOT of strength not to lose it with them, especially when we’re out in public and they know you’re more vulnerable and unlikely to scream your head off (or so they thought).  My Son (Satan) recently decided he didn’t want to go down to our Clubhouse playroom (yes dahlings, we have a “Clubhouse” in our apartment block). So when he arrived downstairs in the lobby area with our sweet Helper and twin sister, he lay down on the floor, took his shoes off and wouldn’t move.  Our Nanny (the ones who’s good with kids but almost burnt our house down) has NO ability to tell my kids off. None.   They don’t listen to a word she says.  So my son knows that the minute he leaves the house without me, he’s freeeee!

Well, I got my arse into the lift after our nanny called me from the lobby and while his twin sister (the angel) looked on, I walked out of the lift (still in slippers and probably holding a rolling-pin for effect) and holler, just like my Mum would have done to me “GET UP NOW!!!!!” I think they may have heard me shouting a few roads away.  The Chinese, I’ve noted, don’t do this.  Therefore my reaction in front of a group of Mums was probably “shocking”.  Give a shit? Nope.  My son jumped to his feet in a split second and got his arse into the lift.  I didn’t utter a word to him but marched him back to our apartment and gave him “time-out” for 5 minutes (2 minutes on my Son just isn’t enough but in their world, it may as well be hours).  He has never done that again. Tiger Mum? Nope.  Angry, show-some friggin respect Mum…thats me!

My Daughter recently took all her clothes off during her lunch time nap, and on discovering a full nappy (with sticky poo), decided it was better to throw it all out of her cot.  On walking into her room, all you could see was my naked 2-year-old saying “Oh my Goodness” as I looked at the shit, EVERYWHERE.  Her brother did this to me a year ago and that resulted in me celotaping his nappy on. Well, that’s exactly what I did to my daughter.  What happened the following morning? She had managed to get her taped nappy off and did a MASSIVE shit in her cot, smearing any remnants onto the walls, her favourite Cuskie and in her hair.  I of course, was flabbergasted and called our nanny right away to clear the shit up (hey, I’d puke with all that crap).  She’s got balls though as she’s not scared of anyone.

Is it any wonder us Mums need to drink?! Our husbands just don’t get it…..although on our recent short break, without help may I add, it was The Captain who swiftly ordered a large glass of wine before midday “to take the edge off”.  Of course the minute he ordered a glass, I decided, “hey, why not just order a bottle and leave the kids for a few more hours?!”  He frowns on that sort of behaviour though and made me feel like a guilty alcoholic (is there any other type?)….which I’m not, unless it’s the weekend, or 6pm “Mums O’Clock” ie. wine, unless I’ve had a particularly bad day, in which case, drinking may start a little earlier …. not breakfast though, unless it’s a Bloody Mary… which doesn’t really count.

Anyhow, the kids are playing up, therefore I’m feeling angry all the time. And, when I see a couple without kids who are all smiles and lovey dovey (they haven’t got a fucking clue)…. I feel the urge to punch them in the face.  They have no idea.  I was like that until the kids destroyed my body, taught me unconditional love (yeh, yeh ok) and now, I’m too tired to even stay up past midnight when I hit the town.  I just hope they go to University, put me in a decent old people’s home (if the Captain can join me, that would be great), and just show some fucking respect.  I have zilch tolerance…and when its other people kid’s…. fuck you don’t wanna be around me then. I don’t like other people kids.  Yep, I said it. I’m not going to pretend.  I don’t like other peoples kids (I can barely tolerate my own when they misbehave) so WHY oh WHY would I gush over yours?!!!  If I didn’t have kids, you wouldn’t expect me to adore yours, so why, now I have children, am I expected to like your kids. I don’t.

They annoy me. YES…. I said it.