Tag Archive | geoexpat

Searching… for a new Domestic Helper

As the shit hits the bucket, it turns out, I need not ONE but TWO people to help me run my household.  Did I insist on this bullshit? Of course not. I’m not some arsehole that tells their husband “I NEED HELP RUNNING THIS SHIT HOLE SHIP”.   I like my privacy and anyone who can name and shame me to the Child services Dept in Hong Kong would be long gone.  I actually like being alone (plus you can drink without judgement).  My best friend recently stated (& I love this statement) ” I don’t drink ON my own, only ALONE”. Genius.

Sooo… I’ve been interviewing people and guess what?!  We have had some right characters walk into our house (surprise eh?).  One Helper who intervied told our current (& lovely Helper) “Your Maaam asks ALOT of questions”.  For the record, I asked her why she was leaving her job & where she had last worked.  This was the same person who turned up at ours looking like, well I’m gonna say it “a Lesbian” and then told ME how to cook the kids food (my toddlers are on Annabel Karmels food…although I’ve had it on good authority that she’s actually a bit of a knob), the kids, didn’t eat a shred of her food and then she picked up a clove and asked me (I’m, FYI, the daughter of a Chef) “What is this?”  When I told her it was a Clove, she looked angry and kept cooking.

Once I left the Kitchen and asked our present (and lovely) Helper to speak to her (to see if they get on), this bird turns around and says “Your Maam asks a lot of questions” (ie. why are you leaving your job”). Stupid bitch.  We also have cameras in the lounge, kitchen & nursery.  Yes, I do and  why the fuck not?! Every single place I’ve worked in, there are cameras.  It’s no different.  If you are going to piss, shit or most importantly, beat my kids, this is the main area to do it.  Get over it luv.  She asked our Helper “Why the cameras? What did you do?” I don’t like the cameras”.  Why? Because shes a silly cow.

So… being lazy old me, I have spoken to about a dozen people who advertised themselves on Asiaexpat stating they can “cater for dinner parties”.  A big fat lie as it turns out once you speak to anyone who goes “oh yes, I can cook omelette”.  The bird who showed up at our appartment told me, she had “soooo many interviews” she didn’t now who to choose from, which is why she came to a household with twins and a newborn on the way (full of shit clearly).  The Captain lets me interview people as my past job as a Defendat Litigation Lawyer lets me weedle out the bullshit from the truth pretty quickly.  Plus, I rely on instinct, and who can make a good cuppa tea.

We have found one person who is wonderful BUT she presents new problems…. (a) she will make our current Helper look very bad (b) she will make me look like a lazy cow, and (c) she likes to run the show.  So although this woman is clearly a “super Helper” (her new nick-name when we talk about her), I can’t have this shit going on in my house.  Otherwise, I’m redundant & our current Helper’s flaws will be highlighted (shes terrible at everything but the kids). Today we interviewed her very lovely neice.  She’s nice, kind, polite, good with the kids and states she can cook & “follow recipes”.  Who knows but, I need a happy house.  Why?  I don’t want someone being the boss of me in our own place.

Plus, I’m at home.  A very new thing to me but something incredibly important as its obvious when I’m NOT here.  The kids play up, they start speaking Filippino and no one does what they’re told.  If my job (and I think its one of the most important…and underpaid)  is going to work, I need to be here.  Until the kids can feed themselves and wipes their own arses,.  The thought of being kept “indoors” for another 3 years is killing me though BUT, I was raised in a house where, I, in effect, raised myself.  Therefore, I HAVE to be here.  Drunk or sober. They’re lucky to have me!

Marriage in Hong Kong for ex-pats. Can it really work?

Having just about managed to find my feet in Hong Kong, I have begun to wonder about all the expat wives/partners who moved here.  Did they find it easy or difficult?  Were they angry, pissed off, stressed with the move …. especially if you had to move your entire life and children too, while your partner was probably over here already (possibly months before), and you packed up your entire home, alone.

Since our arrival, I have been incredibly honest about the difficulties I faced in moving abroad and leaving our great life in the UK.  At the moment, my only plus with Hong Kong, is still just the warm weather.  For the Captain,  who loves it here, its more the Tax relief, lifestyle, great weather, Trecking in the mountain and outdoor stuff.

I have heard and read various horror stories (Nancy Kissel being just one), where lots of expat marriages seem to be doomed  from the moment they touched Hong Kong soil.  Loads of people I know are in Marriage Counselling too. Why?

Well it’s not unheard of, or uncommon (from what I’ve read on geoexpat and asiaexpat), how the Men have places to go and “party” in Wan Chai, but besides that, there is Macau and all types of escort services everywhere.  But it’s not just the men from what I’ve heard.   The girls are out there having their fun, too.  I just read on asiaexpat, and I quote “One of the boys banged his client’s wife after the client went home early from a night out drinking. And they did it several more times afterwards, with the wife initiating it each time!”  I mean, FUCK?!  What is wrong with these people?

Everyone seems to be looking for a cheeky shag.  According to Asiaexpat there are loads of men exchanging tales of sex behind their unknowing wives backs (the predictable, ungrateful, mother-of-their-kids, wankers) and those wedding vows simply mean nothing here in Asia. Clearly.

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I also want to quote another bloke on asiaexpat who states; “The fact we are westerners gives us status, as usually poor western guys never make it here, so the ones who are here are the ones educated and with money, at least that is the asian vision of us.  On top of that, traditional asian mentality places little importance in physical beauty, and anything different is attractive, so both western guys and asian girls are attracted to each other even if the guy is a potato.  Before I came to Asia I was in a rock solid totally committed never cheated 5+ years relationship with promise rings, almost the whole nine yards. This lasted 7 months after my arrival.  Any major city in Asia is heaven for expats and no mistake.”  

So…. what he’s saying is, your Man is going to head out there and shag someone else as the temptation is sooo high and apparently, even if he is limp, missing a ballsack and looks like Rodney Trotter, this dick will still get laid by someone, with or without their beer goggles on.  In my eyes, to inflate their already bulging egos, and if “The Missus” (or “Her in-doors”) isn’t putting out, someone else might as well do it.  Especially if they’re out drinking in vile, Faliraki Style, Wyndham street , Soho or LKF on any night of the week.

Yes, there is a culture in Hong Kong for expats to play around but I never realised it was too easy for guys to do this.  In fact it really pisses me off!  I have a Moral compass and I have never faltered from who I am, and what values I do believe in.   Shagging, snogging, petting, lap dancing on my Man, are all BIG no no’s.

According to my research, all this shagging around is not done openly, but in a under-hand kind of way (from what I’ve read, some blokes have a shared sex pad just for their conquests in Soho or wherever).

This other bloke on asiaexpat also said;  “I don’t know any guy that I am close with that is an expat that does not fool around. Of course, there are different levels of playing. There are ones that strictly visit the pros for a wham-bam-thank-you-maam, there are ones that like to pick up other expats at the clubs, there are ones that like the locals, married or not, and there are ones that have actual girlfriends that may or may not know they are married.”

Why the fuck would you put up with this bullshit??  What?!  So because we moved to a different country, our Men have all gone mad and started humping anything that moves, because they’re sooo fucking arrogant, they think they can.  And the ones who go to the “Pros/Strippers/lap clubs”… well they are the worst type of scum, as in their minds, it’s not even cheating if you’re paying a hooker.   Really?? Would you do that sort of shit IN FRONT of your wife you DICK!?

I can say this now, with my hand on my heart, if I ever EVER found out that The Captain had been cheating on me during “business trips, late nights at the office, clients dinners, having a drink with the boys, or even before I showed up in Hong Kong”.  I will end his entire world, by leaving.  Its simple.  Oh… and as an added Fuck You,  I’d have a revenge shag with someone he knows, just to show him how much it can hurt.

It seems a woman needs a reason to cheat, a man, well he just needs a place.

I have to sign off now and go check my Hubby is sweetly tucked up in bed.  He’s definitely not the type of Man listed above.  I wouldn’t have married him if he was (plus I have him tagged just under his butt cheek so I know where he is at all times).

One thing I will say, having read up on this for the last few hours (and there are hundreds of threads about this on asiaexpat).  Hong Kong is certainly somewhere to test your marriage and push it to the limit.  I will hold my wine filled cup to that, BUT, pull your shit together and remember who you were before you arrived on this Island of Madness.   This doesn’t feel like the real world for me yet (yes, I’m still homesick and will be heading back to London sometime over the summer ….. cant fkin wait), but it’s not bloody Vegas either.   For every dumb asshole who thinks he can sleep around behind his Partners back, there’s also a woman who knows about it, and she will be doing the same right back atcha!  Your wife, girlfriend, partner, will always know when something is up.

ps.  I think I want to go home before my Husband catches this unknown “must-have-sexitis” illness.

pps. Captain, if you’re reading this, I have 3 big brothers, a shovel and have learnt my way around the woods of Hong Kong quite well 😉

* Photo of Repulse Bay Beach … my local.

Our ex-Helper (2nd part) & things that go bump in the night!




Ok, this story is in 2 parts.  The 1st bit is about our ex-Helper (yes, again) and the 2nd part is about having a laugh with your Man and laughing soo hard, you realise, sometimes it really is the best medicine.

Soooo, my grand plan to foil the silly cow (ex-Helper) failed…. kind of.  She rang our house (she stopped working for us approx 3 months ago) and at nearly 10pm, asked our new Helper how long she’s worked with us.  Our new Helper didn’t understand why this woman was asking her all sorts of questions and put the phone down quickly.

I then get home that evening, and after a few bottles of wine, decided, then was the time to confront this silly cow and tell her to piss off, stop calling my house and get a life.  The Hubby attempted to stop me, but I told him I knew what I was doing and to butt out.  Anyway….. she didn’t answer her phone.  Cow! I was all geared up too!   Instead I end up leaving a pointless text message telling her to leave us alone and that was it.  

The next day, The Captain rings her new mobile on a withheld number, she answers, and then denies ever calling our place.  She then admits she rang to “see how the children were” (yeh, because she gives a shit) although she didn’t ask one question about them. The Captain asks her “Why are you calling us and interrogating our new Helper? Why are you lying on Geoexpat and Asiaexpat about your experience? etc”.   She’s telling people she still works for us too, the cheeky cow.  He told her to leave us alone, stop calling our house, leave our Helper alone too and to stop making up lies about our family (like we’re the Mafia). 

Since then, we have had a few random calls at the apartment.  One call yesterday went something like this; “You Filipina? You are silly woman?”   This was the 3rd call in 2 days.  When I reply, with gritted teeth, “WHO THE F@%K IS THIS?”, the caller starts laughing down the phone.  It turns out The Captain likes to think he’s a bit of a joker.  Nob job.  

I pointed out, there’s only room for one of those in our family (Me), although our Daughter has also started to show some of her mummy’s flair recently with pulling faces, biting her brother, kicking her daddy in the ball sack if he sits in front of her while she’s trying to watch Little Einsteins etc.  Anyhow, the phone calls have ceased, although our ex-Helper is STILL advertising her services on geoexpat, stating she worked with 9-year-old twins and we are going back to “Europe”, but that’s the end of that…. for now.

As a result of being wound up by the Hubby with his fake call, it became my new calling to catch him out (by scaring/winding him up) and last night, I finally managed to do it.  

As most of you mummy’s know, the window to wash your hair after a loooong day with the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping (yes, I have a helper but she’s old and not as quick as I am) running around…. well, time for you is minimal.  So…. I had a shower at about 11pm last night, and as it was soo late, I went to bed with a HUGE towel wrapped around my wet hair.  I  have über thick crazy hair which is a nightmare to blow-dry unless you have 4 arms, in which case you should really be in a Circus (yes, very Un-PC…bla bla).  For the record, my Hubby thought I had straight hair for nearly a year when we first met, until we went on holiday and he discovered I actually have a huge Afro that needs taming, especially in humidity.   Two words for that now though ladies, HAIR SPRAY.

Anyhow…. I wake up at about 3am with horrendous (& I mean, AWFUL) pain from what The Captain describes as “the painters, decorators, arrival of Satan” every month.  I have two very large fibroids in my body (while I was pregnant they were incredibly prominent) and these cause me a lot of pain, every month for about 3/4 days.  They can’t be removed just yet, in case we decide to have more kids.  Yes, I have twins but there is potential to add another duo sometime (yeh right).  

Its hardcore but I’m good with pain (I’ve got Twins for crying out loud!) and get on with it.  I explained to the Captain that if Men went through what Women do, nothing in the world would exist and there would be no procreation.  

Plus, I believe in reincarnation and in my next life…. I wanna come back as a Man. It looks waaaaay easier and a shit load more fun.  Boys road trips, Steak dinners, farting openly, burping even louder (& laughing about it), cooking BBQ’s only but your wife cooks all the rest of your food, Vegas, Strippers, being a Bastard, no make-up, no blow drying your hair (unless you’re a total Metrosexual, in which case, welcome to my site),  no ceiling on your earnings (yeh yeh like times have really changed that much), if you date someone 20 years younger you get a big slap on the back, AND you look better with age. 

Sorry, I got sidetracked.  So, back to 3am last night….

I wake, in agony, and stumble to our guest bathroom in the hallway so as not to wake the Captain in our en-suite (no, we don’t live in a posh flat but we have a spare loo… shoot me). Oh, I also forgot to point out, that pimples (or potential ones) seem to arrive at the same time every month which means I was looking absolutely gorgeous with Oxy 10 Spot Cream on parts of my face (this white stuff is amazing and zaps spots in a day) and my huge turban style towel wrapped around my head.  

While sat there in the darkness, the door creaks open, and standing there in the moonlight, is The Captain, stark bollock naked…. about to go to the loo (well, until he saw me on it thankfully) and he SCREAMS, physically jumping back.   He then stumbles back to our room (possibly to hide?!)

Now as I write this, I still can’t stop laughing about it as it has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen a person do in aaages (especially someone as poised and controlled as The Captain).  I climbed into bed after the incident, and couldn’t stop giggling on/off, for one hour.  The Captain did too and later explained what had terrified him.

Basically, he was half asleep, and not wanting to wake me, had stumbled, bleary eyed, into the spare bathroom right outside our room (he’s clearly considerate, like me).  As he pushed the toilet door open, the light from the streetlights outside the bathroom window, shone onto me and he thought he saw, “The Devil”.   I’m actually quoting him!!   THE DEVIL!!!   I laughed so hard, it actually took away the period pain for about a millisecond.

When I woke this morning to tell our Helper the story (which must have annoyed her as I was laughing soo hard when I told it & these stories are never that funny for other people), but she starts laughing too, though I don’t think she really understood me.  The kids are both staring at me (bless ’em) and they then start laughing too (pretend laughing) but only because I’m laughing soo hard, I’m making snorting sounds and have tears running down my face.  I guess you just had to be there….

Anyway, that said, whenever you feel even a little bit down now, I suggest you remember one of those times that made you laugh soo hard you can’t speak/almost wet yourself.  That image, last night, of the Captain jumping and SCREAMING, is something that will last me a few weeks…. absolutely priceless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Creative Commons License 

Domestic Helper … at it again!!!

So… while I was meant to be resting my eyeballs last night at approx 1am and the whole apartment was asleep …. I was sat up, writing away on Doris (AKA my Laptop) and looking through Asiaexpat for anything new or funny.  Ok… that’s not entirely true…. I was searching to see if our ex-Helper (very evil & a HUGE liar) was on there.  I then pop onto GeoExpat and, booooom!  There she is…. LYING HER ARSE OFF!!!!

In her advert, she is claiming to be a University Graduate, and has worked for a family with 9-year-old Twins.  Our kids were approx 8 months old and she was gone before they turned One.  SOOOOO…. her advert states she is still working for us?!?! I MEAN ….HUH!?  And the reason she’s being let go is because we are moving “back to Europe”  but we would apparently be happy to give her a reference.  Now… yes, I’ve had baby brain quite a lot since I fell pregnant (and yes, I sometimes forget the kids names/where I live…)   BUT, this is bullshit.  I mean, who the hell is going to be the reference?!?   She has clearly found someone to give a fake one but everyone MUST check all references, always.  I keep going on about this but if any Helper was good to a family, you would of course be happy and more than willing to take a call from their new Employer.

I sat there …. stunned… staring at my laptop (“Doris”) thinking… who the hell is this cheeky bitch who made our entire life (from the moment I arrived with Itchy & Scratchy), really uncomfortable until we finally got rid of her.  I told the Captain on what became a daily basis (& I’m sure just made me look like an ungrateful moany ex-pat wife but by then… I didn’t give a crap) … “This bird is doing my fkin head in!! She’s rude, she sleeps during the day (seriously for 3 hours one afternoon while I was organising my cupboards), she went out clubbing some nights until 4am etc”.  

AND when the Captain was away “on business”, or so he says… although if I was him, I’d be booking myself into a luxury Spa Hotel & pretending it was for “work”, our “Helper” went out every night (I’m obviously a very hard/scary/mean boss) and would get in absolutely wankered on alcohol at 5am.   She started work at 6am (or was meant to but this eventually got later & later), although even then, you would have to bang on her door if she wasn’t up by 7.30am.    So to my amazement, there she is, with her annoying face staring back at me in this advert on Geoexpat…. lying to everyone.

This is the same Helper who, I just discovered, was also telling random people at a play-group I used to take Itchy & Scratchy to, ALLLL about our family (nothing juicy obviously but shit no one really cares about).   Our new Helper came home last week and said someone had interrogated her at a bus stop in Central Hong Kong and knew right away who we were once she realised we had Twins?!!?   I’m like, WHAT!?!?  WHAT HAS THIS SILLY COW BEEN SAYING!!??  I would love to name and shame her for the protection of other families but I can’t.  She on the other hand, is out there telling people we let her go because we are leaving Hong Kong. NOT because she was soo unbelievably rude, had her mates over during the day mid-week, “borrowed” things without asking, g-d the list if fucking endless.   

Anyhow…. last night I sat there dumbfounded, in the silence of our apartment ….  well aside from the constant banging coming from the Twins nursery.  Now, I swear the Twins do it to wind me up & scare me shitless, as the minute I run in there … with my Torch strapped to my head, yes like a fucking Miner… there’s nothing happening.  Both kids are faaaaast asleep, although they somehow manage to move across their Cot beds with excellent skill and are usually very close to the Head Board (hence, the loud banging which must be their little heads).   I had started padding the ends of the cots as my Daughter in particular, seems to be a little bit, erm, Rambo’esque (not Gay, just Tomboyish, although I wouldn’t give a crap either way).  However, its dangerous and she tends to sleep in the weirdest positions a toddler can ie. Face down, or nuzzled into her Comforter Cuuski … literally terrifying me if I find it over her face.  My son, although called “The Window Licker” seems a little bit brighter when asleep.  He knows to move his face if it’s slightly smothered.  In hindsight, this is probably why I don’t sleep much …. 

Anyhowsle … I see this bull-shit advert from our Ex-Helper, claiming she still works for us, and I think…. “how am I going to catch her out??”   

Hmmmmm….. So, this morning,  The Captain giggled his arse off when I told him my cunning/Genius plan…. I can’t divulge it just yet as I need to check legalities.  He then looked at me with what appeared to be love/confusion/endearment and said…. “You’re a little twisted babe … but fucking funny”.  He may get a blow job for that one later as I took that as a bit of a compliment.

Watch this space people and in the meantime, PLEASE CALL ALL REFERENCES GOING BACK AT LEAST 5 YEARS AND WITH AT LEAST 2 OR 3 REFEREES.  Just because people have left the Country does NOT mean they no longer own mobile phones!?   You are relying and trusting these people you hire with your entire life (your kids/home/money/crap).  

Make sure you get the right one so you can sleep soundly at night.

Nancy Kissel found guilty in Hong Kong Milkshake Murder trial appeal

Nancy Kissel’s Appeal Rejected in Court


For those of you who didn’t know anything about this case (as I hadn’t until I arrived in Hong Kong), this whole story is gripping.  As an ex-litigation lawyer, maybe I’m a little too fascinated but nothing in this case makes sense.  How did this woman, Nancy Kissel, go ahead and just kill her husband like that….. AND then sleep in the same bedroom as him for a few days until getting some workmen to help her move his dead body. BLOODY HELL!!!??

I’ve read some comments on Asiaexpat and some things seem to be said by people who actually knew the couple, and others from scared ex-pats (like myself!) who think….. what could have gone sooo wrong when this (what appeared to be) nice, normal family moved to Hong Kong.  I kept giving the Captain updates while I read this book (in just under half a day as it as soo gripping.).  If there were any similarities between us as people or women, it shit me up.

For a start, not all ex-pat wives are complete materialistic arseholes who come here to spend loads of their husbands hard-earned cash.  Some of us are just getting on with a new life, and with young babies (my case), its fucking hard.  Yes there are days I want to kill my husband…. but not literally, and its usually over the complete mess he makes in our flat from the minute he walks in (seriously…. he’s so messy it like he strips off as he walks in.. shoes… socks…. belt…tie….wallet…. its like following a trail of breadcrumbs if you ever want to find him).

Anyhow….back to the murder…. To be fair, aside from her initial difficulty settling into  Hong Kong life, where, and I quote from the book “Never Enough” that “men flourish.. and women can flounder” here … the rest of her personality seems a little, well, unhinged!?  She claims she had put up with years of sexual and physical abuse which made her finally snap.  This is a woman who people said was quite pushy when she wanted her own way, at times very rude, loudmouthed and often fucking outspoken (again, I’m not saying this personally … although I agree having read up on it, but this is all out there on the internet).

Had she have called the police the minute she killed him, she may have had a slightly different sentence as it would have been totally unplanned.   BUT, she didn’t.  She hid him (in a rug in her bedroom) and went shopping for new furniture to cover up all the blood from bashing his skull in.  It was all pre-meditated right from the start … I mean… drugging his drinks months before, and then the fatal “Milkshake” that she asked her daughter to hand over to her Dad.  What must be going through that child’s head now?  Apparently she did all of this to be with her lover back in Vermont, who by the way, is now married to someone else and has asked the Prison Nancy Kissel is staying in to stop her sending him letters (shes didn’t write to her kids apparently for months but, this bloke who doesn’t give a crap about her…. well he got a shit loada letters he doesn’t even want).

What a nasty piece of work.  Why not just get a fucking divorce and at least she wouldn’t be in jail for life, her ex-husband would have met someone who genuinely cared about him, and maybe her kids would actually be talking to her.   Apparently her family and “supporters” are worried about her massive weight loss.  They don’t think she will survive life in jail. Well….. err… call me old-fashioned but WHY THE FUCK DO THE CRIME?! What did she think the police were going to say when they found out?! “Oh it’s alright. She’s a Gweilo (* AKA “foreign ghost”, or in my opinion, a fairly derogatory term for someone not chinese) so let her go..!”

Now I’m not one to be judgemental about people (throwing stones in glass houses &  all that crap) but, taking anyones life, is wrong on every single level.  It’s as simple as that.