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Holidays without the kids…

Ok girls…. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I didn’t miss my munchkins (Itchy & Scratchy).  Plus, The Captain doesn’t appear to care as much as I do that we have (1) left them with our Helper in Hong Kong (yes, shes wonderful & yes we have cameras….) (2) time alone together just us … well…. it’s a bit harsh no?  I mean, we’re meant to be getting on brilliantly.

I had images of him chasing me into the ocean waves, or strolling in the sun hand in hand, laughing, joking, gossiping (basically… I was imagining a gay friend, I had the bonus of having sex with). BUT, the reality…. we have just agreed, we want to literally harm each other.  The Captain told me to “go ahead and order another Cosmo” as I’m such a joy when drinking … which of course I did (hey, you don’t need to tell me twice), and I told him “sometimes I’d like to hold a noose round your neck and keep tightening it”.  YES I SAID THAT.  Big fucking deal.

Who isn’t married and comes out with worse comments… seriously?  I’ve actually edited some things that took place at lunch-time today. I was  in a very jovial, almost over happy mood after indulging in my new book by Russell Brand (my not-so-secret celeb crush), “My Booky Wook” and was enjoying myself, laughing out loud (he’s fucking funny), until HE (AKA “The Captain”) turned up to “talk” about my behaviour (hey, for the record… I wasn’t sat there without a top on indulging in any sexual/illegal act….well…not today anyway).

What is it with the new age /metrosexual man and their need to chit chat!?  What happened to just relaxing with a cocktail and no feelings chit-chat bullshit?  After a row at lunch which involved many a familiar line about how I hated his family, him mine (people staring at us both while this took place, but The Captain always does like a good dramatic scene) and how neither of us can agree on anything….  I then text my troop of fab girls back home who told me “I’m loved” and then I wanna cry and jump on a plane back to London, Heathrow ASAP.

Even on holiday in the Philippines, I want to be home. I want my family (who drove me maaaad), my girlfriends (who I always, always love being with) and the biggest loves of my life, the kids. The Captain and his brood though… well at the moment… I’m all done on exhausting arguments about family, and whose is more “normal, better, wierd” etc.  I’ve always had to spend more time with his than mine, mainly because mine like a quiet peaceful life, and the Captains love drama, have more religious holidays, followed by arguing and me always feeling like the odd Duckling in the crowd (I didn’t say Ugly, I said Odd).  That will never ever change, nor do I want it to.

I am now stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Does anyone know what that actually means because it sounds to me like I’m pretty much fucked either way?!   I want out of the whole non-stop arguing. I’m not “lucky” or “ungrateful” because of my new bull-shit fake affected life in Hong Kong.  I’m alone, I have 2 small babies (who I have had to leave in HK to “prove” my love to The Captain) and I miss my Mum (yes, I’m also a big girls blouse…. anyone know where that saying comes from?!).  I wanna go home.  If anyone reading this can give me a ticket home (plus enough space for 2 babies) and no Legal crap about an additional accompanying adult for baby no.2 (any infants under 2 can’t travel without an adult), please email me.

I want to go to London without ANYONE but MY family & friends knowing.  I want to go home.  The Captain today… well… he just sealed the deal on how hard this relocation business is.  I thought I was doing really well until he told me I was “ungrateful”.

Ungrateful!?  Have a look at our Twins from 2 years of trying IVF.  Have a look at your new home that I moved us into, once again (for the 3rd time…he didnt unpack anything but his underpants), have a look at how happy and chilled your kids are (they get that from me/wine).  Have a look Captain.  I have done everything you wanted and i tried very hard.  Today…. I’m mentally packing up and heading home ….. even if I do have to live with your Mum as shes the only person who has any room in her house.

Damn it… I need to re-think things or start playing the fucking lottery.

ps. As I’m writing this, the family on the next balcony to ours is KICKING OFF. Big fight between Mum/Dad about “respect” (I’m drinking my freebie bottle of red vino and blatantly staring!) So you see…. EVERYONE is fighting and yet we all put on a fabulous bull-shit, we’re so fucking happy show.  I feel better now….. right…. errr… where’s The Captain?!


So girlies, I’m off on a long weekend break to Philippines with The Captain, and despite missing my Monkeys terribly, I know we need some time out for our wedding Anniversary.  Time to regroup, time to remember why we go together in the first place, time alone, and time to party late into the night, holding a bottle of Vodka in one hand and my Hubby’s in the other (we were great at that).

It will be hard after so many years of trying to tone things down, but we loved to be away on holidays, sometimes 8 times a year.  Whether it was long weekends in Amsterdam (smoking the local delicacy), Prague (food), Brussels (Mussles with frites), Malaga (Gambas pil pil), skiing in France …. Everyone I worked with hated me as I was always jetting off to Italy, Spain, Ibiza, France, Bora Bora, Fiji, Vegas (Baby!) …. you name it…. we did it.

Plus we enjoy diving and liked to push the boundaries.  BUT, we didn’t have the twins (or the copious amounts of luggage they come with). The arguments getting to the airport are drastically different to the ones before.  Now, it’s over who sits with the easy baby, who holds the buggy, changing bag, what if they go into meltdown on the plane, do we feed them before take off?  zzzzzz.  Our rows before would involve buying magazines and who read what first.

Soooo… as I pack for my trip, I know what the Captain has on his mind. SEX.  It’s very simple.  If I dish it out, we wouldn’t have one itty bitty row, about anything.  So why does one hold out when we know this is the secret to keep men quiet and fun?  Well, I’m just bloody tired and not feeling that sexy.  Ok, after a few vodka shots and a smoke on the bong, who knows what I’ll be doing, but stone cold sober…. I’m just tired and want to sleep in the sun (and maybe get a nice tan too).  This, of course, is not how men are programmed.  Less sex for them means, distance.  Women need to be feeling close to their fella emotionally in order to put out the goods.  I read this crap somewhere recently.

I have to state, I am very much in love with the Captain, and often recall those early days of continuous sex in all sorts of public places just for the hell of it (sometimes 3 times) but we had no kids, responsibility, a huge mortgage, old parents, and generally life hanging on our shoulders.  I will say this…. all the excuses I hand out, are lame.  If my life is going to be fun and happy just by giving The captain a quick nosh here n there, so be it.

Sooo…. off I pack for a long weekend away to drink with my Man, swim, dive in the sea, shag in someone elses beach side villa with swimming pool (& hopefully CCTV to capture the moment), drink again and have sex all over our luxury Hotel in the Philippines.

BRING IT ON!!    I just hope customs in Manilla Airport don’t open my suitcase to discover all sorts of, ahem, sexual paraphernalia…

Marriage in Hong Kong for ex-pats. Can it really work?

Having just about managed to find my feet in Hong Kong, I have begun to wonder about all the expat wives/partners who moved here.  Did they find it easy or difficult?  Were they angry, pissed off, stressed with the move …. especially if you had to move your entire life and children too, while your partner was probably over here already (possibly months before), and you packed up your entire home, alone.

Since our arrival, I have been incredibly honest about the difficulties I faced in moving abroad and leaving our great life in the UK.  At the moment, my only plus with Hong Kong, is still just the warm weather.  For the Captain,  who loves it here, its more the Tax relief, lifestyle, great weather, Trecking in the mountain and outdoor stuff.

I have heard and read various horror stories (Nancy Kissel being just one), where lots of expat marriages seem to be doomed  from the moment they touched Hong Kong soil.  Loads of people I know are in Marriage Counselling too. Why?

Well it’s not unheard of, or uncommon (from what I’ve read on geoexpat and asiaexpat), how the Men have places to go and “party” in Wan Chai, but besides that, there is Macau and all types of escort services everywhere.  But it’s not just the men from what I’ve heard.   The girls are out there having their fun, too.  I just read on asiaexpat, and I quote “One of the boys banged his client’s wife after the client went home early from a night out drinking. And they did it several more times afterwards, with the wife initiating it each time!”  I mean, FUCK?!  What is wrong with these people?

Everyone seems to be looking for a cheeky shag.  According to Asiaexpat there are loads of men exchanging tales of sex behind their unknowing wives backs (the predictable, ungrateful, mother-of-their-kids, wankers) and those wedding vows simply mean nothing here in Asia. Clearly.

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I also want to quote another bloke on asiaexpat who states; “The fact we are westerners gives us status, as usually poor western guys never make it here, so the ones who are here are the ones educated and with money, at least that is the asian vision of us.  On top of that, traditional asian mentality places little importance in physical beauty, and anything different is attractive, so both western guys and asian girls are attracted to each other even if the guy is a potato.  Before I came to Asia I was in a rock solid totally committed never cheated 5+ years relationship with promise rings, almost the whole nine yards. This lasted 7 months after my arrival.  Any major city in Asia is heaven for expats and no mistake.”  

So…. what he’s saying is, your Man is going to head out there and shag someone else as the temptation is sooo high and apparently, even if he is limp, missing a ballsack and looks like Rodney Trotter, this dick will still get laid by someone, with or without their beer goggles on.  In my eyes, to inflate their already bulging egos, and if “The Missus” (or “Her in-doors”) isn’t putting out, someone else might as well do it.  Especially if they’re out drinking in vile, Faliraki Style, Wyndham street , Soho or LKF on any night of the week.

Yes, there is a culture in Hong Kong for expats to play around but I never realised it was too easy for guys to do this.  In fact it really pisses me off!  I have a Moral compass and I have never faltered from who I am, and what values I do believe in.   Shagging, snogging, petting, lap dancing on my Man, are all BIG no no’s.

According to my research, all this shagging around is not done openly, but in a under-hand kind of way (from what I’ve read, some blokes have a shared sex pad just for their conquests in Soho or wherever).

This other bloke on asiaexpat also said;  “I don’t know any guy that I am close with that is an expat that does not fool around. Of course, there are different levels of playing. There are ones that strictly visit the pros for a wham-bam-thank-you-maam, there are ones that like to pick up other expats at the clubs, there are ones that like the locals, married or not, and there are ones that have actual girlfriends that may or may not know they are married.”

Why the fuck would you put up with this bullshit??  What?!  So because we moved to a different country, our Men have all gone mad and started humping anything that moves, because they’re sooo fucking arrogant, they think they can.  And the ones who go to the “Pros/Strippers/lap clubs”… well they are the worst type of scum, as in their minds, it’s not even cheating if you’re paying a hooker.   Really?? Would you do that sort of shit IN FRONT of your wife you DICK!?

I can say this now, with my hand on my heart, if I ever EVER found out that The Captain had been cheating on me during “business trips, late nights at the office, clients dinners, having a drink with the boys, or even before I showed up in Hong Kong”.  I will end his entire world, by leaving.  Its simple.  Oh… and as an added Fuck You,  I’d have a revenge shag with someone he knows, just to show him how much it can hurt.

It seems a woman needs a reason to cheat, a man, well he just needs a place.

I have to sign off now and go check my Hubby is sweetly tucked up in bed.  He’s definitely not the type of Man listed above.  I wouldn’t have married him if he was (plus I have him tagged just under his butt cheek so I know where he is at all times).

One thing I will say, having read up on this for the last few hours (and there are hundreds of threads about this on asiaexpat).  Hong Kong is certainly somewhere to test your marriage and push it to the limit.  I will hold my wine filled cup to that, BUT, pull your shit together and remember who you were before you arrived on this Island of Madness.   This doesn’t feel like the real world for me yet (yes, I’m still homesick and will be heading back to London sometime over the summer ….. cant fkin wait), but it’s not bloody Vegas either.   For every dumb asshole who thinks he can sleep around behind his Partners back, there’s also a woman who knows about it, and she will be doing the same right back atcha!  Your wife, girlfriend, partner, will always know when something is up.

ps.  I think I want to go home before my Husband catches this unknown “must-have-sexitis” illness.

pps. Captain, if you’re reading this, I have 3 big brothers, a shovel and have learnt my way around the woods of Hong Kong quite well 😉

* Photo of Repulse Bay Beach … my local.

Husband is away…. and yet, the cat can’t play

This last week…..The Captain (AKA “Love of my Life”) has been away for work.

Do I envisage lap dancing clubs and  escorts?   Yep.   Do I have to trust that not every man is an asshole?  Yep (but I have 3 brothers and one works in the “porn/escort” industry).  To trust someone you are married to, while they are away on “business” is difficult, if you are married to a complete and utter douche, who cheats, loves big tits (hey, dont they all really?) and basically is soo far away, you wonder if they are calling the concierge for that “special number” to get the “high-class escorts”.  It’s very difficult.  You never EVER know what your man is really up to. And that IS the truth.

So…. this has been weird.  I hate where I am and yet, I made a new friend. Someone “real”.  She knows I’m struggling here and she’s openly offering to help me settle in.  If I was a lesbo, she’d be no.1 on my hit list.  She also knows who she is as she now knows about this column…. damn!  I know you are reading this and I need to say a big thank you,, as I’ve felt very alone here, despite all my new “friends”.

The update is this….. The twins had their shots/jabs for 13 months.  Not yet MMR but the other ones which still scare the crap outta me, and they both look at me like I betrayed them (BTW…. the Dr was soo hitting on me it was creepy).  I then hosted dinner (I’ll put my Recipes on the other page) to a couple of lovely girls I dont know that well BUT….. I did something I would only EVER do if I was at home.

I opened the door drunk (FYI….I’m allergic to Sulphates in white wine…seriously).  If you dont know people and you cook allllll day, THEN open a door to your home hammered to strangers,…. well …… etiquette says, be sober.   I’m ashamed to say, I was drunk.  Drunk drunk drunk.  In London, my best friends would have taken over, laughed, and told me off later.  Here, it looks rude, sad, desperate, and in my personal opinion…. low.  Or now, in hindsight….lonely. I thought I was ok.  The shame…..  I also took painkillers for a swollen wrist which, now, when I think about it… was a bit of a hit (I actually got a bit fuzzy… & drank white wine… tsk tsk)

I’m tired ALL the time! ALL the time?!?! I mean…. really?! Is this normal?  I was a terrible insomniac and yet, when I had Itchy & Scratchy….all I wanna do is sleeeeeeeeep.  They make me soo tired all day. Running after them.  Feeding them. Bath time, dinner time, fun time, cry time, OMG time….. REALLY!!!!?? My Mum warned me but I thought its because she hated me when i was a teenager and was just trying to scare me.   Now…. i’m calling her in a far far FAAAR away place, begging her to come help me.  I’m mentally drained.  these kids. My twins (who BTW I LOVE)…. are making me sooo tired.  Do you remember, all those moons ago, when you would pop to a friends house to see their new baby?  After about 1 hour, you were ready to leave because it was all too much?  The crying, the feeding, the nappy changing, the exhausted look on your friends faces?!  I feel like that ALLLLLLL the time.  So…. now… when my Dad calls (I never did give him enough of my time…it was always about Mum), I’m like “Hi! I love you” You’re a fucking Saint for not killing me sooner!”

Also, I’ve found, all the women I’ve met who have kids…. they are trying to be EVERYTHING in the house/flat/studio/room.  They all try to cook/clean/look after baby/wake in the middle of the night/go to work/dance on a big toe if required….its bullshit!!!   Who is gonna give me my medal after all of this?!  I wake up alllllll night when one of the kids wakes. Last night = 1 am, my son, 3am… my son…4am….maybe my daughter (but usually my son) and then 4.40am (ish)….. my son.  By 7am…. I was ill with jetlag because I was on South African time (dont ask me how).

FOR NOTHING. He’s not hungry. He has a dummy (& yes, I dont give a flying monkeys what you say, give them the bloody dummy/pacifier if it fucking works). He/she has decided to torture me…. until they hit 80 years old (possibly 90 if the Acai Berry’s work). I can NOT sleep.  Now The Captain is away…. boy… after telling this poor git who funds our entire existence here that he’s irrelevant (I was a stupid dick… so shoot me, it was mid argument crap I threw at him for NO reason… he’s a good man)….. I miss my Man.  I want him home.  I can’t even put my toe on his side of the bed as it doesn’t feel right.  I woke this morning and The Captain’s side of the bed looked untouched.  What can I say?  I’m in love with my husband.

If you are reading this Captain…. I promise I’ll behave! Come home, my life is not a home (ever) if you are not here.  Isn’t it wonderful to discover, after 7 years together… that you are actually IN love with the man you married.   And I am. I always have been….. even when he pisses me off so much I could…… welll….. I could never harm him, so I guess…. I just withhold sex.  Yep… I’m a bitch.

ps. The kids are killing me.

Men… Why can’t they find anything?!

So …… The Captain was off on yet another business trip …… yes, probably filled with Escorts, endless Hotel Porn & Lap dancing clubs… “for the clients of course” and could he find anything to pack for his trip? No.  

He claims he looks for the missing items (usually shoes, sun glasses, Iphone, Blackberry, condoms….) which could be anywhere and yet, I have no idea how he conducts his searches.  Our apartment is not huge, therefore, there is usually one of three places his things will be.  Either in his cupboard (yes, I do tidy stuff away otherwise he would leave it there for weeks until there was a mountain of clothes you would have to climb over in order to escape the room), it would be next to the bed, or on the floor…. where he tends to leave everything.  This drives me craaaaazy as I am a tidy person who likes to put things away so that I can find them later.

Last night as The Captain packed, and tutted to himself, furious he had to do this before a long and arduous business trip.  Our poor Domestic Goddess was on hand to assist him as he simply could not find anything, and I mean, anything!  He actually tries very hard to engage me in his searches for things he’s lost but at 11pm, I had no interest. Plus I knew it was probably on the floor.

So what happens, he gets our Domestic Goddess to assist him in finding a bag to use for the flight.  He said he searched all over the flat, so, where did she find it!?   On the floor where he was packing…. by his feet, not even under anything.  

Now before you all wonder why I am being harsh on the old Captain, I have to say that after a number of years together, my patience at him losing everything (seriously anything from cameras …. including our honeymoon photos, to glasses, clothes, flip flops etc), I cant be arsed to play the game where I need to go and help him, especially when I know its probably right in front of him.

My husband is incapable of finding things with ease.  He’s also incapable of shutting lids firmly (everything dries out), putting down toilet seats (I stuck notes to the lid of the loo in order to train him to shut it as I almost always fall in during the middle of the night), taking a cup back to the kitchen after he’s done using it, leaving wet towels on the bed (that pisses me off big time as its usually on my side), leaving cupboard drawers/doors open so that I knock my shins (I was holding out 2 week old Son when I walked into the kitchen and always flew over an open draw).  He clearly needs some Home Economic classes… do you remember those? With the upside down Pineapple Cakes that tasted of pure sugar, the diagrams of a kitchen with massive crosses on open doors, kettles with long cords hanging off the work surface etc?!   Basically, I’ve come to realise, that I have in fact married my Fathers long lost (and much younger) Twin.

And its not just The Captain with this incredible tunnel vision when trying to find something in the home. Many an ex-boyfriend, and even friend’s partners, does the same thing.  They lose everything and try to engage their partners on the search, while moaning non-stop that’s it your fault that you cleaned up. The item in question is usually where you said it would be. By the bed, on the floor, or in his cupboard.   So, is your man this useless too?!  If so, have you started taking Valiums like me, or are you leaving notes all over the house to help him think before asking you where the Milk is? 


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lets be honest. they’re crap in comparison to women …. so simple, they actually are like dogs (which I love).  All they want is someone to stroke their tummy, feed them, and give them lots of cuddles. they are incredibly black and white about things (unless you’ve got a real fucked up one), or unless you’re married to a metrosexual, in which case, they can be just as annoying as some self affected gals.


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I had a call this evening from a very dear friend of mine. Someone I love to bits. Someone kind, funny, loyal and simply great. Shes due to give birth in the next month. Her bloke, who I HATE, has been involved in parts but is not giving her that support she needs.

You know the kind of guy right? Cold, hot, kind, mean, friendly, harsh, distant but wants a cuddle. usually great in bed but that is it.  Everything is on his terms. AND on top of it, hes abusive. Not physically, but verbally is just as bad as your confidence, your personality, the core of who you are, is stripped away bit by bit. You forget who you were before you met this dick. I’ve been out with a few. It all starts off very lovely, taking me out here and there, calling me his “Princess”, making me feel like Im the only woeman in the world, and then suddenly…boom. Reality. Hes threatened by your mates. Doesnt want you to go out with anyone if hes not there. Insists a night in just you two is better, Suddenly seeing your family is a burden (and hes rude to them too!! cheecky bastard).

What do you do? Its simple.

Walk away and cut that bastard off. Simple simple simple. All women deserve a good man and someone IS out there, who will be kind & look after you. This guy, the one you’re with who tells you you wont ever find “anyone” like him, is a loser. He will never change and why teach you children this horrible degrading pattern in life?  Ive been there. Its horrible. I felt like shit the whole time. I lived for those kind moments he threw my way.  Normally after a can of Stella. I will never ever go back to that life and I feel sorry for the woman who ended up with that.

Be strong my darling friend and cut this man lose. You can raise a child on your own if needs be (and you are never ever alone darling).


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