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Staunch, Unyielding, dedicated… AKA “The Single Parent”

ALAS……IT HAS BEGUN.

POSH SCHOOLS HAVE STARTED THEIR NEW TERM (finally!!!)

After what, may I just say, was the loooooongest summer holiday EVER. Those lovable, relentless, cheeky, sweet, rude, thankless, cuddly, adorable, tug-at-your heart, mean, hideous, gorgeous creatures we  created (I was THAT desperate I had IVF for FFS!) returned to a daily day care, known as a wonderful Institution I thoroughly hated, and was kicked out of TWICE, called “School”.

Just hearing those words now makes me feel sooo incredibly elated/ill/nauseous/thankful.  I sometimes need to restrain myself from hugging their Teachers when I see them after a school break.  How Teachers do their jobs, day in day out, without becoming seriously mentally ill, is beyond me.  I know, these are children they eventually hand back to us at the end of the day (probably a reassuring thought, unless one taught at Boarding school), yet…HOW DO THEY KEEP THEIR SHIT TOGETHER when dealing with not one, two or even three kids, but 20-25!? HOW???  How are they staying grounded? Seriously, some MUST be on some form of medication, or at least “Rescue Remedy” by the gallon.  I mean, I AM A PARENT. THREE HUMANS CAME OUT OF MY BODY. YET….I’m more than willing to hand those “beings” over to an adult I know zero personal info about, daily….why/ BECAUSE I NEED A FUCKING BREAK OK!!!?? I NEED TO SHOWER WITHOUT INTERRUPTION!!! I NEED TO SIT DOWN WITHOUT BEING “BECKOND” TO SOMEO^ OR $ YEAR OLDS NEEDS. I NEED TIME ALONE. ON PURPOSE. Yes, say it. IM A SELFISH WOMAN/MOTHER.

Do you know, I get soooo selfish now about my own personal time, that I literally turn all avenues of communication off when I know the children are safe. That may be for 1 hour, or 24….but MY GOD…how liberating was life before email and friggin mobile fucking phones.  Both of which have caused more damage than good ie. how many marriages/relationships/careers, have been busted over social media leaks!?  Keep Big Brother out your life, and you would actually be FREE of all the “why didn’t you respond to my wassap?!!” bullshit.

Anyway….back to what is my present happiest/saddest moment this past week…..yes, I just shared a rare “vulnerable” insight. Get over it. It wont happen for another fucking year if I can help it….unless I win the lottery.

So….Schools are now open. Parents are now able to eat without indigestion. Life has resumed, as us stay at home parents know it.

What happens when the kids return to school (aside from reducing your dose of Vodka/Xanax/”quiet moment in the loo”)?

Here are some of the emotions a parent will feel when the kids return to school after any holiday/break/Parent-home-jail:-

  1. Initially, ELATION.  You’re thinking, “Brilliant. Once I drop those monkies off, I can get back to doing what actually needs to be done!!”  Now….”what needs to be done”, in your mind, will probably involve things like: a) having a cup of tea, without someone screaming “MUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMM, SHES ANNOYING ME AGAIN  WITH HER BALLOON/GERBIL/FOOT/FACE!!!!!” b) eating a slice of toast and actually reading the newspaper to find out how normal people are living their lives…c) dealing with dreaded admin (endless emails that needed “URGENT” attention 1 week ago.
  2. The second thing you think you’ll do is get the house sorted finally. Have a proper tidy up, get rid of old school work/endless pictures of Princesses or stickers being removed from walls or floors/get organised and give to charity old clothes (millions). You are convinced, no matter what, that you will NOT MISS THEM.
  3. You will have time to make calls and organise diaries, meet Mummys from the school for “Coffee Mornings”, return to your beloved Pilates classes with a vengeance, eat uninterrupted, maybe even smile…
  4. You think you will clean out your fridge, organise the shelves, sort all the shoes maiming people as they trip up when walking in at your front door.  You think you will be able to GET SORTED.
  5. REST – AKA “Really earned sitting time”… as in, not being called to do something the minute you think you can have a gulp of water and sit down to eat the left over scraps (because you cant be arsed to cook for yourself anymore).

ALL OF THE ABOVE WONT HAPPEN.

FACT.

The sad, shameless, harsh, reality is this.

You will drop the kids off, do a food shop, wash a million clothes, rush home to tidy up after the morning rush getting out the front door, was dishes, bleach and disinfect everything, read emails, pay bills…. You will make a zillion calls on behalf of the kids, you, your life, your home sale (I’m trying to sell up and move ASAP. Living in my old “Marital home” is hell on earth), you Mum will ring and want an hour long chat about what you “need to do to make things easier” (yet never once saying, “Go travelling and ask their Dad to do this horrendous monotonous, sleepless, daily routine, without going absolutely insane”.

Single parents, what can I say to you!?

Before I became one, I had NO IDEA, how stressful and incredibly challenging, this role can be.  You are both good cop and bad cop, you are Mum AND Dad, you are friend then foe…you are, to your children, their everything in daily life.  You matter. You have huge responsibilities.  You are forever, and ever, on your own with the daily parenting routine. Mornings are busy getting ready for school, rush hour/school clubs/playdates/endless birthday parties, collections and drop offs, Doctors/dentists/therapy appointments, bath times and bed times, happy/sad moments….all being done by one (exceptionally strong) person.

Moi.

When I collapse into bed at night, and think “hmmm….maybe Ill read my book” you know what happens? One of my three children WILL wake (I think they sense my mind/body relaxing) and ask for water, the loo, a cuddle, to kiss their pet Rabbit “Jimmy”, to stroke their hair, to sleep with me…  If I’m lucky to have a full nights sleep, I still wake to check on them…

This non-paying, (apparently not really “hard”) “job”, its not easy. People who comment, judge, claim you do “nothing all day but drop the kids off & (ALLEGEDLY) “SLEEP“…they have NO IDEA what is mentally, physically, emotionally, involved. What level of responsibility is on your shoulders, and yours…. alone.  I used to be a lawyer. I thought that was a hard, thankless, underpaid, job.  It is NOTHING compared to what I have been doing alone for the last 2 years. Stupid, mindless snipes/comments and judgements, from the side-lines, that used to infuriate me, now, make me judge AND comment back.  For those wonderful strong, sometimes exhausted single parents, remember, those stone throwers in your glass house can FUCK OFF. YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE & KNOW.

As tired as I have been, juggling this daily human rearing/emotionally challenging daily role, I still would never ever ever again, have a nanny or Au pair in my home.  My past experience with Filippino nannies in Hong Kong have left a horrible taste in my mouth/heart. People you trusted who turn on you, or worse yet, your child.

Plus, my personal space and freedom means too much now. I like not having someone pottering around my house. Unless you’re blood…get the fuck out!  I didn’t grow up being raised by someone else. Only family members were allowed to babysit us. Never an outsider. I now understand why my Mum was so strict on this. My Mum has never had a cleaner in her her house let alone another woman to help out with her children. Mum would often tell me, “A woman, in my house? Why? What for!?  Never. I AM THE ONLY LADY OF THIS HOUSE”.   She never liked the Hong Kong “Maid” culture and hated the Helpers being there when she came to stay.  She felt them constantly watching and judging and didn’t trust my home situation at all.  “Get rid of them and have someone come for a few hours during the day” she would often say. “Never have another woman living in your home”. 

Anyhow….back to the kids and school.

So, on the first day back…

I suddenly had that horrible “Ground Hog Day”moment. I’d forgotten how HORRIBLE the school run is. WHY CAN’T WE HAVE SCHOOL BUSES LIKE THE AMERICANS?!! It cuts traffic and makes stressful situations with the kids, just that little bit easier.

Doing that 25-50 minute journey, sometimes up to 1.2 hours, in traffic/road closures/car breakdowns (not mine)/accidents/life being a bastard, with 3 kids questioning you constantly about “why the sun has clouds” that particular day, or “can’t we get there faster Mummy? Cant you tell everyone we have school??”, “can penguins live in Space?”, “did you remember to pack my Dinosaur?” or “he’s/shes staring at me again Mummy. Its freaking me out!!!”.…I felt incredibly claustrophobic on day one. Trapped in my Ambulance sized 7 seater vehicle, with 3 mini Me’s, who were apprehensive about a new term, tired due to all the Balvanie 12 year Whisky from the night before, and irritated by the “school shoes that are not comfortable like flipflops”.

The main reason for my discomfort, considering I have done this journey over a zillion times?

My youngest, who has a rare Chromosome Disorder started school, alongside her siblings, for the first time. And I felt ill at the thought of being parted from her. Tearful and ill.

As it transpries, we arrived, I dropped the twins off in their buiding first, then walked to my youngests first day, in uniform (which she soooo loves) in the building a road away.  On arriving at her new school, fully uniformed up, she walked in, picked her name off the desk and dropped it into a little pretend post box (I kept praying “Please pick your name…please pick your name!!!”) and she then sat down at a desk. Once sat, my youngest child/best friend/shadow for the last 4 years, who I am overly protective of, looked at me and said “I’m ok Mummy, bye“.  My 4 year old daughter, who has a rare Chromosome disorder, gave ME perimission to leave, because she could tell, I was broken hearted knowing my youngest baby was no longer “a baby” anymore. She let ME go. I held back tears (I was in a classroom FFS!), told the Ex-Captain (who was there) I “had to leave” and walked out to breathe fresh air and gather my shit. I felt proud, broken, proud, worried for her, and elated she had been strong enough to not cry when I left, was keen to settle in, and appeared confident & independent. I had done my job. Too well.

I’m a Mum. I’m a parent.  The biggest most understated job in the world, yet the most important. Surely?

Bloody hell…..its only the first week…..I’m fucked.

Letting go of them (“your heart walking around outside your body”)….is harder than I ever imagined.

Yes, I know…I’ve said it now. I ADORE THEM . Shoot me.

You still cant make me go to some shitty playdate…..I love them but theres a fine line & I’m not quite ready for the dark side of bullshit peer pressure, fake “in your face” paenting where I have to attend a French “Art & Crafts” playdate, just to prove Im a good parent.

I know I fucking am. I hate how this generation of parents (and probably the last?!) feel the need to keep their children constantly busy with clubs, playdates, classes, after school/club extra classes, music, dance, art, pottery, karate, etc etc etc. If you do ALLLLL this crap, apparently, youre a good parent.

Dont tell me my number of playdates equates to who I am as a Mother!?

Im there for every minute of their lives. They understand that sitting down for a moment, spending time as a family, laughing (we laugh A LOT & dance!), being relaxed and comfortable, as a person, is just as important as being surrounded by numerous strangers/people, that dont justify your existence. You can be surrounded by dozens of people and yet, feel lonely. OR surrounded by love, and feel safe, confident, appreciated. I agree, in life, we need/must have good, solid friends. I have had a crew of friends for 30 plus years. We are so solid, that our conversations are similar to an imaginary (rock solid) “vault”.

I know  I’m blessed to have such a good group of friends I have known since school. A group sooo close to being my sisters, that we do, pretty much, anything for each other. We all turn 40 this/early part of next year (together – same school year).  I appreciate good friendships.

However, I also respect and feel independent alone, without them. No one justifies my existence but me. Of course, having my amazing crew of friends with me is brilliant (& sometimes dangerous!). But children also need to learn to be comfortable within their own skin. To understand who they are WITHOUT peer pressure. To be solid and stand alone means you can do whatever you want in life with confidence. You can also make the right choices (hopefully, but not always) in friends, in relationships, in life. Your friends and family are there to support you, laugh with you, love you. But you need to learn to do that for yourself, to appreciate yourself, before you share your wonderfulness with everyone else.

Kids need to go back to “Old School values” and appreciate that sometimes, “playing in your room” without a thousand posh playmates, is OK. Youre being normal. You’re being relaxed, and youre being, most importantly, independent and confident.

My parenting, with the children I adore and love, I am going to do, my way.  And in my opinion, a solid way.  “OLD SCHOOL“.

Let them understand, and appreciate, who they are as people.

You can be at numerous playdates weekly, sipping coffe and talking shit to some random parent, bored out of our mind, t pretending you give a shit. Yet, not notice your child is having zero  connection with anyone in that playdate, or worse yet, being passively bullied (past experience with my daughter who dreaded one particular forced upon us both, playdate.

Everything in life should be in balance? That works better.

Independence, appreciation of who you are, and an understanding that “you count” (I tell my kids nightly how “important and valued” they are). Lead them down the path of freedom to be themselves, and hopefully, satisfaction, confidence and a knack for being kind to everyone. Their future respect, freedom to be themselves and happiness, lies in that. Knowing, no mater what you do, or achieve, you are “important”.

Playdates? What fucking difference is that going to make in the long run?! They play all day at school together. And they’re only 6 and 4 years old. Everyone needs to get a grip, call their parents and recall how we lived in the ’80’s.

Now the 80’s….those were some bloody brilliant fucking days (not that many parents slept with all the coke flying around in £50 notes)….:)

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage in Hong Kong for ex-pats. Can it really work?

Having just about managed to find my feet in Hong Kong, I have begun to wonder about all the expat wives/partners who moved here.  Did they find it easy or difficult?  Were they angry, pissed off, stressed with the move …. especially if you had to move your entire life and children too, while your partner was probably over here already (possibly months before), and you packed up your entire home, alone.

Since our arrival, I have been incredibly honest about the difficulties I faced in moving abroad and leaving our great life in the UK.  At the moment, my only plus with Hong Kong, is still just the warm weather.  For the Captain,  who loves it here, its more the Tax relief, lifestyle, great weather, Trecking in the mountain and outdoor stuff.

I have heard and read various horror stories (Nancy Kissel being just one), where lots of expat marriages seem to be doomed  from the moment they touched Hong Kong soil.  Loads of people I know are in Marriage Counselling too. Why?

Well it’s not unheard of, or uncommon (from what I’ve read on geoexpat and asiaexpat), how the Men have places to go and “party” in Wan Chai, but besides that, there is Macau and all types of escort services everywhere.  But it’s not just the men from what I’ve heard.   The girls are out there having their fun, too.  I just read on asiaexpat, and I quote “One of the boys banged his client’s wife after the client went home early from a night out drinking. And they did it several more times afterwards, with the wife initiating it each time!”  I mean, FUCK?!  What is wrong with these people?

Everyone seems to be looking for a cheeky shag.  According to Asiaexpat there are loads of men exchanging tales of sex behind their unknowing wives backs (the predictable, ungrateful, mother-of-their-kids, wankers) and those wedding vows simply mean nothing here in Asia. Clearly.

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I also want to quote another bloke on asiaexpat who states; “The fact we are westerners gives us status, as usually poor western guys never make it here, so the ones who are here are the ones educated and with money, at least that is the asian vision of us.  On top of that, traditional asian mentality places little importance in physical beauty, and anything different is attractive, so both western guys and asian girls are attracted to each other even if the guy is a potato.  Before I came to Asia I was in a rock solid totally committed never cheated 5+ years relationship with promise rings, almost the whole nine yards. This lasted 7 months after my arrival.  Any major city in Asia is heaven for expats and no mistake.”  

So…. what he’s saying is, your Man is going to head out there and shag someone else as the temptation is sooo high and apparently, even if he is limp, missing a ballsack and looks like Rodney Trotter, this dick will still get laid by someone, with or without their beer goggles on.  In my eyes, to inflate their already bulging egos, and if “The Missus” (or “Her in-doors”) isn’t putting out, someone else might as well do it.  Especially if they’re out drinking in vile, Faliraki Style, Wyndham street , Soho or LKF on any night of the week.

Yes, there is a culture in Hong Kong for expats to play around but I never realised it was too easy for guys to do this.  In fact it really pisses me off!  I have a Moral compass and I have never faltered from who I am, and what values I do believe in.   Shagging, snogging, petting, lap dancing on my Man, are all BIG no no’s.

According to my research, all this shagging around is not done openly, but in a under-hand kind of way (from what I’ve read, some blokes have a shared sex pad just for their conquests in Soho or wherever).

This other bloke on asiaexpat also said;  “I don’t know any guy that I am close with that is an expat that does not fool around. Of course, there are different levels of playing. There are ones that strictly visit the pros for a wham-bam-thank-you-maam, there are ones that like to pick up other expats at the clubs, there are ones that like the locals, married or not, and there are ones that have actual girlfriends that may or may not know they are married.”

Why the fuck would you put up with this bullshit??  What?!  So because we moved to a different country, our Men have all gone mad and started humping anything that moves, because they’re sooo fucking arrogant, they think they can.  And the ones who go to the “Pros/Strippers/lap clubs”… well they are the worst type of scum, as in their minds, it’s not even cheating if you’re paying a hooker.   Really?? Would you do that sort of shit IN FRONT of your wife you DICK!?

I can say this now, with my hand on my heart, if I ever EVER found out that The Captain had been cheating on me during “business trips, late nights at the office, clients dinners, having a drink with the boys, or even before I showed up in Hong Kong”.  I will end his entire world, by leaving.  Its simple.  Oh… and as an added Fuck You,  I’d have a revenge shag with someone he knows, just to show him how much it can hurt.

It seems a woman needs a reason to cheat, a man, well he just needs a place.

I have to sign off now and go check my Hubby is sweetly tucked up in bed.  He’s definitely not the type of Man listed above.  I wouldn’t have married him if he was (plus I have him tagged just under his butt cheek so I know where he is at all times).

One thing I will say, having read up on this for the last few hours (and there are hundreds of threads about this on asiaexpat).  Hong Kong is certainly somewhere to test your marriage and push it to the limit.  I will hold my wine filled cup to that, BUT, pull your shit together and remember who you were before you arrived on this Island of Madness.   This doesn’t feel like the real world for me yet (yes, I’m still homesick and will be heading back to London sometime over the summer ….. cant fkin wait), but it’s not bloody Vegas either.   For every dumb asshole who thinks he can sleep around behind his Partners back, there’s also a woman who knows about it, and she will be doing the same right back atcha!  Your wife, girlfriend, partner, will always know when something is up.

ps.  I think I want to go home before my Husband catches this unknown “must-have-sexitis” illness.

pps. Captain, if you’re reading this, I have 3 big brothers, a shovel and have learnt my way around the woods of Hong Kong quite well 😉

* Photo of Repulse Bay Beach … my local.

Baby showers… & Nights out on the town in Hong Kong

Why do they call it a baby shower?   Apparently it’s because you get “showered with necessity gifts”. I think it’s because when it rains, it pours… You have NO idea what lies ahead and 3 or 4 months of sleepless nights, 2/3 hourly feeding and basically … if you’re lucky to brush your teeth, hair, or trim your pubes… you’re already ahead of the game.

Maybe it’s because I’m a cynical Mum of twins… no sleep… no perspective.  I recently attended a lovely, thoughtful baby shower (I’ve asked if the gorgeous gal in charge, who has lived in Hong Kong for over 15+ years, would do any other parties…she thought I was joking).  I have to say it was brilliant. I met some absolutely hilarious, witty, sharp minded ladies and my face is aching from laughter.  The lovely lady who threw this function for us all… if you are reading this, is, in my eyes, a dream Mum/friend/and I’m guessing wife.

We had an endless supply of champagne (already an A star in my books), food, and cakes.  The company though, I found hard to begin with.  Not because they were difficult but I’ve said this before… I’m absolute shit at small talk (which is a complete nightmare when meeting new people and my Husband always needs the loo the minute we go anywhere).

So, I’m talking to someone I’ve never met before, and they are looking over my shoulder to see who else is more interesting, when more people arrived.   I have to say that along with (a) Not saying please/thank you/Excuse me/& was that you that just farted? (b) Looking over someones shoulder and not engaging them in conversation, just in case someone more interesting arrives, pisses me off.   It makes me very annoyed and then when that person  is stood all alone at the end of the day (as everyone else has noted they are rude too), I’m not going over to say “Hi” or recover that conversation.  They were too rude to begin with!  Engage in your conversations people.  It’s not hard to be polite. Especially to a stranger!  I don’t like it and you are blacklisted from my life, forever.

Anyhow… I got pissed on a batch load of Rose Champagne and the lovely Hostess with the mostess, sent me home with food too.  I climbed out of a Taxi in Repulse Bay with balloons strapped to my wrist and our doorman….looking at me & thinking….”hmmm….where’s that number for Hong Kong child services?”

I’m not going to apologise for getting drunk at these functions (hey, it’s not like I’m taking my top off to flash my boobs or anything). I like to have fun!  All of us do.  Some people just like to judge more than others (it makes them feel superior… idiots) and that’s why we all act like weirdos when we first meet.  We’re trying to suss out who’s fun and who’s going to judge later.

Why why why can’t we go out, have a ball, get drunk…without judgement?  And, its only women who are like this. Men (I have 3 brothers) are not this judgemental…probably because they have more to hide (especially the ones who give you that smirk when they say “oh we went on a boys trip to Vegas”.. oh fucking grow up)… or don’t really give a crap.

Please tell me??!  I have never ever met a person, in my entire life (& FYI, I’ve met EVERYONE who is slightly odd), who hasn’t done/said/partied/drunk/snorted/slept/something …. Teenagers, Parents, age, background…. it’s all irrelevant but please… stop being soo fucking patronising.

I went out on the town a few nights later with a huge group of girls.  Some got absolutely hammered on wine/vodka (you pick your poison), some didn’t.  The ones who didn’t ended up putting others in Taxi’s and giving that “knowing” look like… “tut tut… she’s soo drunk” – FYI… it wasn’t me!  You (yes you who is reading this now…not the “literal” you) were carried home once I’m sure by a friend/someone, puked somewhere from booze or g-d knows what (if you haven’t… then you’re square and get off this site immediately as I can’t deal with anything critical unless its funny).

We have ALL done something and, we are the ones who set the bar on right, or wrong.  I’m NOT going to apologise for going out, getting drunk and having a great time.  If I make YOU feel uncomfortable, then remove yourself from ME.   BUT, don’t ever, patronise me and act like you are doing ME the favour by taking me home, or giving me some “advice” on life.  I’ve survived 4 operations in 2 years alone, cancer (not me but someone so dear it may as well have been Me.. my heart.. My Mum), strokes, IVF (3 injections every day for NINETY days), redundancy and every other piece of crap that has been thrown at me.

Take your smirks, judgements and everything else somewhere else.  You don’t drink, you don’t party, you don’t get angry, you don’t EVER lose it? You must be a Saint then.

I’m all done here.  I’ve lived a good few years and survived without help.   I love to live now and that’s what I’m ALL about.  You don’t like it.  Fuck off.  I wake every day in my world (nobody else but you experiences your life so don’t listen to anyone but you) and I’m going to live by my rules.  I’m so done with everyone elses.  To be fair, I think we all are.

ps. I think I need more sleep.

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Met someone new – 19 Feb 2011

Ok…so today, after 5 months in Hong Kong,  I gave a complete stranger a lift home (with her 11 month old baby girl) after enduring the madness that was the Bumps to Babes sale in Ap Lei Chau (I got some great bargains btw and i fucking HATE shopping…. unless it’s for food, wine or the kids).  i did get lost en route home though and then got worried that my new friend would think I was some mad woman pretending to be a Mum of twins about to kidnap her and her child (despite having 2x baby car seats in the back of my 7x Seater Monster…AKA “B The Beast”.)

Very NOT me but hey, I’m in a new place and trying to make friends my way.   I have never ever EVER been overly friendly to anyone (unlike The Captain) but, she looked kind and like someone who needed a hand. I know how that feels when youre holding a child (usually two in my case), a buggy, shopping and trying to hail a cab.  as it turns out, she was very sweet and i made a new friend. well done me. I went home and cracked open some wine to celebrate, after dropping her off down the road from my apartment.

do i still feel homesick?  yes.  in fact, it made me miss home more than ever as i am now pushing myself to make friends whereas before, i was spoilt. i knew all my friends (ok most of them) since school. they had no choice but to love me (like family, you know!?)

anyhow, there we go. a big step for someone like me, who likes a quiet peaceful life.  we’re going to meet up for a play-date soon …

 

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Making friends, joining Mummy coffee mornings…zzzz

You have to do it so suck it up and get involved.  Yes its shit but God is clearly a bloke. Deal with it. If you’re a Mum (in my case of Twins), you have to meet others like yourself or you will go fucking insane.  See the link to Mothers of Multiples Organization (MoMs) in HK (their link is attached to my Blogroll on the right hand side of this article).  This is a very lovely group of women with a shit loada kids between us and who are all actually very kind and friendly.  I would recommend joining up if you are new to HK and have a bun (or two, three, four etc) in the oven, or just need some new friends in a new place.  I used to be with the Twins Club in NW London and they were brilliant for 2nd hand items (clothes, car seats, spare buggy for holidays). They were also very very helpful when I was moving to HK in loaning me furniture while mine was being shipped over …. I mean, no one, other than those Mums with two or more babies, can loan you two of everything in one go!

I discovered on arriving in HK, that it can be a very lonely place if you don’t get involved. I’m notorious for being a lazy git and having to suddenly get out and meet new people when I’ve ony had a few hours sleep the night before (usually running to/fro from my bed to the nursery with a headlight attached to my skull like a Chilean Miner), is fucking hard-core.

Men go to work but at least they can switch off in the evening after playing with the kids for a few minutes (ok, usually more…. I’m now just being a bitch to The Captain and he’s actually very good with Itchy and Scratchy).  And before any of you Dads jump onto the band wagon, yes, we know you change nappies now and make up feeds, I’m just stating an obvious fact, us Mums do need to get out more and breathe a little. When you have Twins (or more!), your whole world is consumed by the children until they are at least able to hold their bottles. I’m desperate to get them feeding themselves before they are 18 months old, if only so I can sit down and enjoy my cocktails instead of knocking them back in a hip flask (a fab secret santa gift at work circa 2 years ago) which is now my most valuable possession (aside from the kids of course) …. well, that and the Octopus card (like the Oyster in the UK but WAAAAAY more efficient and you can use it at the 7 Eleven to buy Silver Rizlas …. genius).

Playgroups (the Devils work if you ask me), nurseries, Pilates & Yoga, coffee mornings, random drinks with girls you’ve just befriended, have all been tried and tested by me. My faves so far are 1) Pilates 2) Drinking 3) errrr….Pilates?! 4) Drinks out with the girls.

It’s very simple. Just get out and mingle!  You will meet some like-minded people in the wierdest of places.  Ive met Mums in the Doctors surgery (Im very private & HATE being approached…especially by a woman holding 2 screaming kids that resemble my own), the Supermarket (Taste in Stanley) is now like a pick-up hangout for new ex-pat Mums desperate for conversation.  If someone comes up to you while you are scanning the Baby Yogurt and says “Excuse me, do you know if they sell Aptamil here?” You’ve pulled luv!   She’s basically saying “Im new here and have a baby and see that your trolley is bulging at the seams with 100000’s of Pampers and Baby wipes and can we be best friends, even if your hair is a little unkempt and you’re wearing different coloured Uggs?” I usually oblige and offer my hip flask……. If they have more than 2 children, I’ll throw in a mixer and my mobile phone number out of sympathy.

Oohhh…. and do some bloody exercise if you want to shift/tone that post baby body. My belly still resembles an 80-year-old womans after its been stretched beyond recognition (and I’m so fucking vain I actually sleep in my Spanx hoping something will ping back into shape overnight….although, be warned, it can cause tummy aches after long periods of wear).  Bloody lovely.

Well, its exercise or Sex, your choice.  I know which one The Captain prefers…..

Yep, God is definitely a man.   And he is laughing his arse off right now.

**NB. This is a new site and amendments are being made to each page daily.  Apologies in advance for any spelling/grammatical mistakes noted.

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