Archive | February 2019

And guess who got asked out on a date…?

ME!

From writing about “men” and “boys”…? A “Man” (I actually know) just emailed asking if he could rebuild my “faith” in dating “normal men” 😉

Brilliant!

Watch this space.

Damnit…have to wash my hair now 😉

Are you dating someone who may actually be married? WAS YOUR DIVORCE EASY? ARE YOU ONLINE DATING?

So….

My word this month is “SMP” ….”Single Mummy Prey” .

and

“OMFGYGI”…..”Oh My fucking God You Gullible idiot”.

* FYI …Gorgeous Undies eh?!

 

And yet……

Alas….the world has turned, and returned, back to the 1980’s generation of cheating men, surprised women, and a trail of emotional damage left behind from divorce.

The dating scene (AKA “I’m in hell”) has been limited, as I am a full time, single Mother, and having to “vet” potential suitors with CRB checks, emotional online personality tests, IQ Tests, and all other sorts of crap (which is tiresome), yet, is essential, when you have children. My children’s welfare, is my sole priority. Once they’re 18 years old? Hmmm…hopefully I’ll be a bit more liberated. I doubt it…but I’m a woman. It’s just DIFFERENT. I have given birth to three people. My job apparently never ends. Why? BECAUSE I’M A MOTHER. I’m always going to be a parent before any situation I live in my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

But as a single Mum? In this day and age? It’s hardcore. Internet dating is broken. Men are damaged and careless. I’m not letting anyone simply drop into my life. Why? Because it me, plus my three. My children come first …..All day long.

Plus, to be fair, come Friday night, after a busy week of being a single Mum, I can’t always find the energy to go on a date, let alone brush my hair, apply any makeup, find socks that match and attempt a genuine smile. You’re lucky I have time for you, or anyone. You’ve no idea what a friggin champion us single Mothers/Parents are. You don’t care about anything we do all day/night, for our children.

But you’re trying to play, ME?

Me.

You’ve no idea what has already been survived, and endured, by “Me”. By many. Divorce is NOT something anyone understands, UNTIL, they experience it.  No one gets divorce UNTIL they do it. NO ONE.

You’ve no idea what divorced people have coped with, lived, breathed, financially seen, and especially when the divorce wasn’t amicable.

People who say their divorce cost £15 and was dealt “between us to keep costs down”…? HOW?!  They clearly owned a shoe and didn’t hate enough. Simple.

Now, Im not just talking about my personal experience….

I’m talking about countless, COUNTLESS, experiences, male and female, that have involved divorce…DIVORCE.

I’ve recently been getting pulled into conversations with other single parents about not just the “divorce’ angle, but also the whole, post divorce “dating” scene. Yes, theres a “scene” for those post divorce war victims….and as much as I want to sound unbiased, the women seem to be getting the shit end. Again (we give birth, predominantly deal with the child rearing, get left for young woman, age badly, have periods, menopause ruins us, wrinkle, get left again…. its shit really….).

Everyone’s discussing “the married man/getting separated, cheating scum bag” situation, which is circulating in daily conversation.

We (us, “single Mums”) randomly (without any embarrassment, as if we should have it, may I add), compared notes during a school drop off one morning, and a few of us girls had similar “textbook stories”.

One Mummy friend, at School Morning drop off of her children identified the SAME EXACT MAN, another Single mum was dating…. via Tinder.  TINDER.

SOOOOOO…..

This write up of mine?  The real one I wrote below, for the hell of it?

Well….It had me blocked from Tinder within an hour.

IMG_9354

I wrote an ABSOLUTE PISS TAKE TINDER PROFILE…. AND GOT BLOCKED within 1 hour by the company.  WHY?  Well….

Apparently, if you’re even remotely NORMAL, or have ANY “Sense of humour” (its an affliction/DNA issue)….You don’t stand a chance.

But FUCK ME….. I barely touched the sides…..

I didn’t even TRY.

I had over 670+++ messages within minutes following the above message.

To be fair….

I have this approach ordinarily…. because Im HUMAN. And….you can quickly decipher the Men from the boys…plus those who can spell and interact always get a look in.

Now….

The other online sites?

Well…..You have online dating sites like the “Inner Circle”, which is the Waitrose of online dating,

And then….“Tinder” which is like Asda (no disrespect to Asda, but Waitrose and Asda are worlds apart).

So….this Mummy friend tells us about this “Tinder” catch she dated. This “catch” who was a vile, cheating, unstable, player.

And…really…? I mean…..REALLY?!!! I have to keep a straight face during this dialogue?!

What an arsehole. He was out there BRAZENLY still online, two months later, after claiming he’d “not felt this energised since my separation”. He told her he was “with” her. He spent time with her children, her friends and family. Yet NEVER took her to his own place. EVER. I had to refrain from slapping my friend and saying “I mean, seriously?! You’re surprised!??!!”

Yep…sure. “Energised”? Nice one bellend.

How about changing your online dating information so you’re not blatantly caught out next time??!

There’s nothing worse than knowing someone you saw on Saturday night is out “hunting” for fresh, single mummy flesh, a few hours later after your date, online chasing other woman.

Euwww.

Get some self respect damnit, “Man”.

Us single mums are not the “game” here. We don’t play. We don’t have time, nor energy, hours, manpower/babysitting freeflow cash, to waste on a dog bastard player. A dirty, lying, dog.

When we invest in someone with our time, and emotions, and bodies? It’s because we are grown adults, smart women (until we are led astray, by cheap textbook charming “you’re soo gorgeous” talk), and have CHOSEN to get involved with a man.

Otherwise these “men”….are absolute, total bastards. Old school, cheap, “only there for sex”, bastards. And YOU CAN SEE IT THE MINUTE YOUVE MET THEM!

Soooo….why don’t they go and play with our younger, child free, pre Mummy tummy, unsuspecting, counterparts?

I’ll tell you why.

Single mums are apparently “Easy Prey”, we’re too busy, we don’t question family set ups/cancellations with allegedly “single dad problems”, and we “understand” their lifestyle. Why? Because we live it too. But as HONEST as we are (most of us), and we don’t lie about our situation (who the fk is going to lie about having “3 kids under 9yrs old plus an ex husband”?!) on a date…we are sitting, easy, ready to be maimed, SMP (Single Mummy Prey). I’m fed up of it.

And the problem I hear over and again? Because us single mums rarely do go out, and when we do? The potential suitor is a lie. And us women, the single Mums? Well….we are sooo happy to be looked after for an evening, being given some friggin much needed care & attention that doesn’t involve changing nappies/giving yogurts/crying over homework and bedtime routines…..that we are charmed by the absolute DICK in front of us.

AND….

Let me be clear….we could be charmed by a friggin Funfair won Goldfish, if it was kind to us, said we looked pretty, and let us take our time to eat our dinner without indigestion or requests for water/yogurt.

We are vulnerable ladies, at times. But how is it, that we are not stupid, or uncertain, about anything when it comes to our children and homes? I’ll explain why. There is some charmer, cleverly trying to “manage us” with complimentary words/lines, and (sometimes) dinner. Yet, this man isn’t anyone who is normally THAT enticing… because when you wake up? And actually see what he’s doing? You realise, it’s pretty much a grown man behaving in a similar way to our 2 year old child, when they try to charm & lie to us, after shitting on the sitting room floor and pretending it’s “not their fault”.

And we all seem to forget the one simple rule our Dads always told us as 18yr olds. “Don’t listen to bullshit. You’re better than him. You’re ALWAYS BETTER THAN HIM”.

Yep…forgot that. I was soo happy with having a date that paid for his own water 😬

So….anyway…

PART 1:

There are signs…signs we all know exist, but ignore (like muppets), in sheer hope that the idiot you’re dating isn’t an absolute twat. But you know he a wanker if he does some of this BLATANT, red flag, run away now before he burns you, shit:-

1) he never answers his phone. Or picks up calls when he’s told you to ring him. Normally “work” reasons.

2) never takes a photo of you & him.

3) suddenly has to leave early, can’t commit to time meeting you, never free suddenly (at the start of dating he was free every second).

4) turns up at 1am instead of 8pm for dinner.

5) never talks about himself, or gets wound up/ANGRY, and makes you feel stupid, if you ask the same question again about his current situation, stating “we discussed this already?!!” Yet you still don’t know the answer to why he is STILL living with a live Online dating profile/lives with his girlfriend/holidays with his ex-wife/ignores you and chooses the dates you meet up. You’re the issue. Not him. Genius actually. Bloody genius….and one excuse I’ll use for numerous situations moving forward.

6) he doesn’t text suddenly for hours, but called you 8 times the day before. Plus he’s been on Tinder for hours…but claims he can’t “close his account”.

FYI boys/men….Just to give you an idea on how things work? Us women? We can check if you’re online dating….even with a hidden profile. It’s more disturbing for us, how easily you lie to our faces, than the fact you’ve been unfaithful (& YES IT IS BEING UNFAITHFUL when you state you’re dating ONE person only…AND claiming you’re not “online” when you’re blatantly “searching Tinder” at 4.03am). And you call yourself a “Man”?

7) He wants to talk to you about sex and only sex by text, in person, or on calls…And yet never openly shows you any affection when you’re in public (bars, restaurants, walking in the street). OR he tries to cause arguments while out for dinner, or uncomfortable situations that means there’s no physical contact in social situations outside in public . This is, of course, your fault too 🙂

8) WAKE THE FUCK UP. This is an idiot and selfish cheating twat, or someone hedging his bets and “benching” you.

9) You can take all the above game playing and pathetic man child behaviour, and do as he does….play the game. Go out and fuck around. Women pull much easier than men. But why cheapen yourself?

You’ll win when I explain what you need to do….

PART 2 – OWN IT

Ladies ladies ladies….

I am from that era where, having grown up in a household surrounded by men, I learnt one thing. DONT play with boys. And negotiate what you want (as with everything) with real men. Real men are emotionally stable and not insecure. Men who are really emotionally “boys”, are literally pointless.

Firstly, stop chasing idiots. You get nothing but texts like this:-

  1. “Hi…sorry I fell asleep and didn’t text.”
  2. “I had a busy day and not up to talking”.
  3. “I’ve had my kids here and can’t talk around them.”
  4. “I lost my phone earlier when an alien rode by on a BMX (gold one too!) and Vodafone just sorted out a new mobile”.
  5. “I’m stressed and you’re pushing to talk to me” (even though it’s been 6 days and you only wrote “Hi”!)
  6. “I’m confused and going to Vegas with friends to think”.
  7. “I’m staying with my parents and i can’t talk as they’re Amish/Mormon/live in Sheffield”.
  8. “I’m whispering and can’t FaceTime suddenly because my WiFi is playing up…” SURE….yeh…while your wife/girlfriend/bitch is there? COME ON!!!? I’m more embarrassed for myself having to listen to this!!!!
  9. “Works been stressing me out and I’m tired.”
  10. . “You’re not my type today but hang in there..”

FYI NO.10? That’s the honest answer you need. The rest is bullshit. And you know it.

So whyyyyy? Why are you listening, waiting, texting constantly, sending stupid naked pictures of your tits and arse?! Why?

Because, you want to win. End of. You know he’s a twat. But you want to be the one to walk away.

So…here’s what you do.

Walk away.

Simple.

If you chose to continue? Don’t talk about it. Don’t stress about it. And go out and act EXACTLY LIKE HIM. Until you meet someone whose normal again.

So…either “Crack on!” and don’t question the situation you’re enduring, OR, step back, and remember your own worth.

I’m choosing the latter to set an example for my children (I have 2 daughters & a son), but also, because, I can’t be arsed to deal with narcissism. I too, need to learn and grow from this as I’m just as much at fault.

Ps. My “writers block/grief/cooking lockdown” has finally lifted…..it only took 3 years to recover from divorce/death/moving country/selling family home…..sorted.

I’M BACK X

Pps. Internet trolls….get ready for some fun!