“Benching” : Dating in 2019 & Why Men “bench” women…?
Dear single ladies, girls, women, and, (maybe some) metrosexual men, who are actively dating via online websites.
Do you often feel used, empty or confused by lies & basic crap, thats associated with someone you’ve met on an “internet dating site”? Do you feel you’ve connected with someone, a stranger really, only to discover weeks later, they’ve stopped communicating (when they text you day/night before). Have they disappeared suddenly for weekends that used to be your time “together”?
Have you found out they instantly go back “online dating”, following an evening with you?
OR…..worse worse worse….he goes “online dating”, AFTER climbing out of your bed to get a glass of water in your kitchen.
* FYI…YES…this seriously happened to someone I know. After a month of dating, they had just had sex (apparently a decent 45 minutes worth of shagging). He was at her house that night as she had cooked, fussed after him and he sat on his arse, controlling her TV for the evening & getting her to make cups of tea constantly (yes, her fault too for doing it, but regardless). He then went into her kitchen for “water” at 3am, after sex, and decided to CHECK HIS ONLINE DATING PROFILE. In need of a confidence boost? Lacking emotionally? Probably just a selfish, using, irresponsible, unkind guy. But fuck me…. What a twat. To such a good girl too.
This online dating search, was literally just after he had removed his penis from her body. LITERALLY 3 minutes after sex.
What for? And the idiot had the balls, to check his dating profile messages too. All logged on her WiFi data, in her home, because hes soo cheap he demanded passwords for her WiFi and TV whenever he walked into her house. I told her “He did you a favour being that vile. You saw his worth….” My friend saw every website that idiot had been on that week. Porn too(that bit was very funny actually) Until she came across some very weird shit I won’t write about. And before you judge, the WiFi check was because she was simply cleaning her “history” on her phone when she noticed “Elite” and “Harmony” dating sites she knew her children wouldn’t have been trawling through.
BTW girls and boys….I suggest you check your house WiFi data as you’ll be amazed what our women & men get up to online.
My friend saw on her WiFi data usage (advanced search tool on your mobile will show you sites used in your home), what he had been doing.
Yet…Hours earlier? He’d told her how much he loved her and wanted to move in. She dodged a bullet.
The confusing bit for us girls is this….
Just as everything seems to be going great (in our minds usually), why then, one day, randomly, does he stop everything? This does happen gradually, by the way. But we ignore the signs.
It starts with a work trip which is at the weekend on a Friday (because people work Fridays when holding meetings?!), then a family wedding somewhere which can’t financially allow/have additional guests, then there’s a sickness midweek, more work/ex wife/kids/travel…..Bla Bla Bla lies Bla.
You’re then suddenly noticing it’s been one month without seeing each other, and he evaporates/distances himself, like “Keyser Soze” from the film, “The Usual Suspects”.
Was there a reason he suddenly stopped being loving and interested (probably not loving actually…)?! You knew from the second you met that cocky, half nice, sometimes sexy/sometimes needed a punch, bloke…that he was a wrong ‘un. You knew but accepted his smelly feet, not showering after football, opening the door half drunk from a day watching rugby with his mates, claiming he will treat you to dinner then get a Dominos pizza because he was “tired from working all week” (despite you driving 1hr to get to his house that evening & him asking if you’d “massage his back” as you walked through the front door).
Did you drive yourself fucking mad, wondering and thinking “WHAT DID I DO to stop something that seemed to work?!!”
Well, aside from probably being more loving, kind, open….? You did fuck all wrong….aside from give a complete muppet, with zero moral compass, access to your life. They then shit on you the whole time they pretended to be dating only you. This type? They’re more common (& stupid) than you think.
So….please listen. And get prepared. Although to be fair, everything I’m about to say, you already know.
ITS NOT YOU, ITS THEM.
Some people are constantly searching and naturally cheat. It’s in their soul. That’s it.
Move on…and be wiser next time you spot the same story, that same type of man, and that constant lack of commitment to a weekend date with you.
You should be fully aware of a word I’ve recently come across (a lot) while discussing singledom hell, with fellow single parents/friends.
A word I can only describe as a “childish playground” approach, by emotionally unavailable single/attached people, keen to date anything with a pulse, sexually liberated, zero questions and ideally massive tits/decent arse (* Or a big “cock”, if a bloke is reading this).
I was surprised how openly, and common this word is known within the dating forum…yet I’ve only absorbed its meaning recently.
The word on most single people’s lips?
Yes…A word used by footballers, and I quote:
“You could be benched because you’ve been playing very poorly – most of the time this means you’re close to losing your spot on the team, or you’ve already lost it so in this case you’ll probably feel like you’ve fucked up big time, and depending on your mindset, turn your focus towards improving your game.
You could also be benched because you’re not on good terms with the manager or other players in the team, in which case, you either make attempts to fix your relationships or you remain a bad egg in the team and subsequently leave, or be forced to leave.
Personally I’ve been benched for poor performances…”
*I’ve used this quote from Philip Ekuwem, a Footballer and freelance football writer. His comments on Quora, push home similar issues with the dating game.
If you’re being “benched” by a guy/girl? *FYI, I’m writing from a woman’s perspective…. It’s probably because you’re not HIS first choice of date, to be called for a Saturday night out. You’re normally contacted last minute, due to his “plans changing for work/family reasons”.
He’s keeping all sexual/flirting/different girls as options to play with as he wants to remain open to choice. You are not his Number 1 choice of date, if he’s not making plans in advance with you. Fact.
The best players for him (as in his ideal date/women) is being asked/utilised/treated/text first. If you’re “benched? You’re only called upon when essential to him, or first choice Girl isn’t free that night. You’re a sideline distraction. Not considered worthy of commitment at the moment. A toy. You’re convenient, never introduced to his friends or family. Never taken to his home. Plans are always loosely made. He will usually change meeting times or cancel altogether, with only a few hours notice. You’re viewed as sex, or a confidence boost for him. Nothing more.
Please see that his erratic time keeping, plus lack of contact during the day, is normally blamed on his “work”, his ex wife/partner, his kids suddenly staying over despite not being his “weekend with them”/a gas leak/sickness/sudden recovery from sickness”… It’s last minute usually? It’s all BULLSHIT and you know it.
Nothing is ever concrete when you plan to see each other. Why?
You’re benched luv. You’re not his priority. You’re staff.
He’s wasting your time while still looking online/around town/in a bar, for better options. He’s hunting constantly in the freely available candy shop of women, thanks to the World Wide Web, which is full of girls who will sext/WhatsApp/send naked photos/flirt with social media savvy cheating men.
They’re exceptionally clued up, on how to cover their online cheating tracks. Their presence anywhere is now easier than ever to erase. They know how to avoid (as hard as they can), being caught cheating with others emotionally, or physically. Both types of cheats, physical or emotional, are morally unacceptable, selfish (when they’re caught & it’s your fault they cheated to begin with), wankers. These types of guys, have educated themselves on how to contact and see as many women as possible, yet didn’t think to educate themselves on being faithful/why they struggle with that HUGE challenge of monogamy. They blame you, their childhood, everyone, for their behaviour. It’s unacceptable. I miss old school men.
Today’s “men”? They have hidden VPN’s, alternative accounts, additional phone numbers simply for online cheating. Their names, profiles, online “handle”, IP addresses, constantly changing 15 digit passcodes? They are all created to ensure they can quietly chat to anyone they want, without (hopefully) being caught by their current girlfriend, shag buddy, friends, family or wife. They are learning to hide their tracks very cleverly.
B E N C H I N G.
I had NO IDEA. BUT this is happening to us all. This has always been a situation in dating life, but I’ve never heard this particular term, “benching” until I heard it one morning when my friend explained she’d been “benched”.
So, during the call, I asked her…
”Sorry…but what the hell is benching?”
And she explained….
”He benched me!! The bastard is keeping his options open!! That’s why he’s stopped being available and calling as much. He never gives me a straight time/day to meet. Calls constantly one day, then disappears for a week after!! He won’t even respond to my “friend request” on Facebook!”
Of course he won’t.
You’re hidden. You are NOT the real deal for him. If a guy is openly telling the World Wide Web he likes your pictures, or associates himself with someone of the opposite sex? Well then, he’s saying he’s taken and that you’re dating. He’s keen to show you’re legit as a couple. If you’re “hidden online”? He’s not connecting himself to your photos & comments, at all? You’re not his. He has, without a shadow of doubt, got numerous women on the go at one time, via social media. He won’t openly share you to everyone because “its Work related/insensitive to my ex/the family don’t know yet and should meet first/his kids don’t like that stuff/it’s silly and pointless/he barely uses social media (unless he’s on every dating app in the world)…” If he has endless reasons to not link himself openly to you online with social media like Facebook or Twitter etc? That’s because you’re not considered enough for him. He’s talking to millions of girls. He’s not yours. Fact. And you must know this!!?
What was my reaction to this word when my friend first mentioned it?
”WHAT AN ABSOLUTE BASTARD. A PLAYER….”
I then thought, “Hmmm…bollocks to that”.
I’ve done this for years myself. We ALL have. But I preferred words and statements like:-
“I’m just not sure we have anything in common.”
“I need to take things slooooooowly”. OR, my personal favourite:-
“Look Nigel/Bob/bellend….it’s hard to say this to you…but things are very busy at the moment for me, and I can’t give you the time and care you deserve right now. Please give me space to take it slowly. Maybe a few weeks to gather myself together?”
I was basically keeping my options open, and playing. But I was doing it nicely and without such blatant “fuck you/like you” obviousness. I was mindful of their feelings damnit. This is especially true if I’d created a daily pattern with someone, texting or calling regularly. To suddenly stop and “ghost” them, or simply respond with one word texts? That’s a blatant “I’m definitely online/shagging/seeing others /keeping my options open” sign.
We are not stupid. Hopeful? Yes. But rely on your instinct.
BENCHING though? I hate the fucking word more than my ex husband.
BENCHING. Piss right off.
The word “benching” is now soooo openly, part of the dating world, I can’t believe I’d not heard it before.
If you’re being “benched”? You may as well jog on and crack into a new fella/girl. From a female perspective?
He’s not that keen (at alllll) if he’s still searching for pastures new online.
Don’t listen to his stories, where he’s saying “I cancelled my Tinder membership babe. I forgot to switch off my notifications!!”
Or, “I was closing my account (for the twelfth time) which is why I went online!” Or my favourite recently:-
Him, “Why are you asking me again about match.com?!! So…look I’ve changed my settings to a ridiculous filter so no one can contact me.”
My response: “Why not close the account altogether?
Him: “I’ve paid for 6 months and it just updates itself so I get random messages. I’ve set my filter for women over 70!! I can’t help that I keep showing up in your friends searches online!”
Me: “Errrr…you’re showing up in their age group and were online 24 hours ago…?”
Him: “That’s to contact their customer service support to make sure my account was closed for fucks sake!!! You don’t trust me and I hate it!!”
Him: “Look…..stop it!! Why are you sooo insecure? You need help!”
Me: “Your Uber is here. Btw….Get yourself checked out tmrw at your GP. I’ve been using your toothbrush to clean the dogs teeth this week, and he’s caught thrush from our neighbors cat. Byeeee 🖕”.
I mean…let’s be clear here….the guy is obviously a complete, selfish, vessel-like (as in “empty emotionally),dickhead. And an arrogant, wanton, fickle, egotistical, (yep, all similar meanings but still a joy to type out!), small cocked, incapable of commitment, damaged, dream catching, unrealistic, empty, narcissistic, mirror loving, small footed, TWAT. The moment you feel “benched”? Fucking walk out the door, and make sure you’ve turned all the lights on in his house, whacked the heating up, put his Burton suits in the washing machine and fed his cat curry. Also call a random helpline in Australia and leave the call open before walking out the door . The guy is a Dick.
* Plus any bloke with a cat (or two), is a fucking weirdo. He was probably absolutely shit in bed sexually (but you made exceptions simply to be in a committed “relationship”). He also didn’t give a damn how you felt about how shit he was. Why? Because you got properly “benched”. He never cared.
When “benching” is involved? You basically don’t get to a stage where you’re regularly dating (in his mind. Maybe yours though). Instead the “bencher twat”, starts to string along the “benchee” (fk, I feel like a lawyer again), with well-timed WhatsApps, or small (totally untrue) promises, that never EVER materialise into big gestures. He’s also definitely still online dating despite claiming he’s not, nor has since you met. Or if he HAS been caught online it was because he was “closing” his year long subscription. Trust me. He’s still online. When he’s not talking to you? He’s talking to someone else. No ones ever THAT busy. Ever. You’ll recall he was never THAT busy when you first met either.
BENCHERS? This crew are players. You’re kept quietly sat on “the side”, for convenience, and late night panic calls/sex. But you’re not their end game”.
In football terms? From the limited bits I know? Like I mentioned above….you are basically left behind on the bench. Men are keeping their options open. Women too. Searching for better conquests. That could mean anything from younger, child free, small boobs, big boobs, big arse, small arse, old, young, smart, dumb, brunette, blonde, Martian, SE London/NW London, vegan,astronaut….etc.
And you find yourself being “benched” by men soooo euwwww, you can’t even comprehend how this first happened to begin with. But….it has. It did. You got sucked in. False promises. Banter and flirting on texts etc. You got played.
That’s benching. It’s a polite way to explain to this generation of women/men (including my own dumb arse) that you’ve been played. And even AFTER you’ve been played, you’re still sat there….swinging your legs on the bench…waiting to be “chosen”.
Why is this bullshit happening? How are the most socially challenged, unfaithful, idiots, “benching” good decent folk like us?
Well…. aside from our own blatant lack of confidence and stupidity? There’s more to this…
Internet dating is a “candy shop” for everyone and men can’t help but go shopping, even after they’ve met a “potential” partner who they sometimes end up seeing for a long time after. These people meet you online, date you, sometimes live with you, holiday with you (you get the jist)…
YET…..this is alllllll WHILE still perusing the websites they originally used for dating other people. Or to simply “sext” other people.
Tags: Benching and dating men, Benching women to keep options open, cheating online, does he acknowledge you on the www?, Facebook, football benching, he’s keeping his options open, humour, is he cheating?, is he hiding you? He won’t accept your Facebook friend request?, is he married?, is he using you? is he dating other women?, Keyser Soze The Usual Suspects, Men dating online behind your back, men who cheat online after sex, online dating, Sharing photos on Facebook, Single parents dating, Twitter, UK online dating
About Sharzad MichaelsA food loving, punk (& chef) wannabe, divorced, single parent of 3 young children. An ex-wife, ex lawyer, ex-hausted Mum. SW15 Londoner born/raised.
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