INTERNET DATING, CHEATING “ONLINE” PARTNERS & LONDON’S FINEST STRIP CLUBS

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Spearmint’s website…(Copyright – photo taken from their online site)

GREAT PHOTO ABOVE FOR SPEARMINT RINO, RIGHT?

EVEN AS A STRAIGHT WOMAN….I’D FUCKING GO IN THERE FOR A COCKTAIL AND VISUAL SPECTACLE.

All Strip clubs, anywhere in the world, are an Institution.

Accepted, like someone’s popping down to the local “Costa Coffee” to catch up with a mate.  This industry, which is HUGE, is not, by any means, looked down on by me, nor many.  Nor is the profession of prostitution. Not that strippers or prostitutes are the same by profession.  They ARE NOT.

I’m not ever going to fuel, an archaic bullshit old school hypocritical, fire, as it is what it is.  But the Strip clubs and extra curricular enjoyments men can freely experience, is something, I feel, many women, accept now….because its “uncool and insecure“, not be “cool and relaxed” about it.

I personally never ever ever ever, have felt OK with any man I was married to, or seeing, just  “popping into a strip club, for tits and a Gin, before heading home”. I lose all respect for a man IM seeing, immediately.

I also know, having spoken or been involved in conversations about this, that some wives, girlfriends, will “go with him” to the strip club, so they are there and also to show they are comfortable and confident in themselves….WHILE HES STARING AT ANOTHER BIRDS TITS.

 

Your fella is doing this openly, in front of you. IN FRONT OF YOU. He’s respecting you? For being, what? Cool?

This is OK behaviour now? Erm…..Since when? Would he do this in a bar in front of you? Nope.

Or around your friends and family? Nope. Because its disrespectful. Its not cool.  Strip club is irrelevant. You could be at a bus stop and the same jealous argument would arise “WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER!?!”  

But ….. men can go to a strip club and be given Witness Protection Immunity, and a Hall Pass to do what the fuck they want. Why? How? Do we get this freedom to act like stupid pathetic insecure “oh she’s just being a girl” behaviour? The Male populations response to strip club drinks?? Your partners answer to your 4am “where the fuck have you been while I’ve been breastfeeding our newborn child?!!!”??….

A mans standard deflectice response is…”It was for WORK babe. What the fuck is your issue woman?? You’re clearly tired. You’re also being really insecure lately since the baby was born 2 days ago. I’ve told you YOURE NOT FAT but you push me to go to these places after work. I don’t even like it there… To be honest, i don’t even notice the tits and clit in my mouth. I’m there FOR WORK. End of! Stop being crazy and babe….make sure you pick up my Ascot Suit from the dry cleaners tomorrow….I’ve got a busy week with clients from NYC”.

Hmmmm…..ok……because we are modern educated, smart women…we are actually trying to be ok with this whole stupid joke of a situation?  Some women go along to the strip clubs with their fellas, to show they are “one of the guys”. They think this will increase their worth in their mens eyes.

Really?  And what?  He wont leave you? Cheat on you?  Think youre soo amazing compared to those “insecure friends of yours” because you went to a Strip club with him? Because he had a BJ in front of you, while you popped a Xanax and downed a bottle of Grey Goose (through a fucking straw)? Even I wouldn’t respect you if I was your man.

Sooo… let me get this straight…as we are all being so “sexually equal”….

Instead of going out for a nice dinner, with a lovely steak, maybe some good cheese to finish, and a strong Malbec, to chat over with your man?  You decided to go to a STRIP CLUB SO YOUR MAN COULD STARE AT A NAKED BIRD, IN FRONT OF YOU, and claim, this made you “closer”?  CLOSER?!?!??! HOWWWW?!??

Lets now reverse this situation then…

Your (prick of a) man and you, head out for a night, and you say “babe! For a laugh, let’s go to “Spearmintdickno”….I fancy looking at a cock and balls with some fit young blokes!!!”

Do you, for one minute, think your man, is going to say “yes babe Spearmintdickno” it is!!!  Ill call us an Uber…FINISH YOUR DRINK YOU SIREN YOU!”??

Let’s say, even IF that conversation passed the first hurdle and he actually came to a Male strip club witch you….what then??….

You arrive at Speamintdickno (copyrighted now btw as I think this is my next business venture)…He hands your coats in, you grab a booth…then, erm….what?! You sit there, while you chat to your man, and stare at Male strippers on stage, walking around serving drinks and happily doing lap dances for Hen parties (from up North OBV), while spending your money and perving over some gyrating 6 packed, 18 year old bloke….All in front of your man.  Or is he “insecure” because he doesn’t want to do that?  What is the difference?  Oh…yes….we are WOMEN.  Its different.

Ive spoken to some ladies recently who have mentioned their husbands “are sooo funny!!! They always end up at a strip club with their mates”, at school drop off in the morning. They say this, whole laughing and acting comfortable with this hugely private information. My reaction?

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These women are normally, off to an exercise class (yes, Im generalising…BUT THEY ALL ARE…these are the only self preserved women Ive seen who talk about this stuff, act ok with it….then divorce minutes later.  I FUCKING HATE, HATE, HATE, those Mums at school drop off who wear gym clothes, ALL THE TIME. Hate that. Its just soooo “yah, I’m off to the gym…..” brazen…and it makes us mortal Mums (especially those of us who are single parents, with no nannies etc, running around food shopping, washing clothes, fighting over bills, dealing with constant illness in our lives due to unwell parent…..).

These Yummy Healthy gym wearing, skinny legged, pony tailed, smiley, non make-up wearing, Mums irritate THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  So…..Strippers, Prostritutes, Traffic wardens and those annoying dickhead neighbours that complain about you because you parked one inch out of your required parking space…..hey don’t upset me.

 

These constantly smiley Mums at school?  Who mention “strip clubs” their husbands/partners (too cool to marry), often frequent….are very easy to spot.

A) They wear hugely expensive gym kit…while carrying a Chanel/YSL bag (thrown over their shoulder as if its rubbish)..  This gym kit normally looks spray painted on these long skinny, bony kneed legs with super skinny achilles heels that just look pink.

These mums are known by me as the “fucking annoying gym pushing guilt activists”.

They’re always dolled up with “non-makeup’ (but don’t be fooled….theyre fucking wearing “makeup”).  But…as they wear their daily uniform of posh, expensive, trying to look casual, gym wear (ready for yet another Charity fundraiser Walk with some Mum they “met in an organic underwater birth class when they had Gwilliam”, you don’t think they’re a threat.

2) They normally turn up looking “rosy cheeked”, irritate you on the “Class Whassapp” group messages, simply due to their bodies being overloaded with bloody endorphins from their gym classes (or prob yoga) and therefore feel whatsaap “trigger happy” when they provide suggestions about the Xmas School fundraiser.  They also always know people who run organic book shops, bakeries, farms, private tutors and homemade placemat makers……They are the women who used to smile at you when you were in school, pretend to be friendly, slag you off, and then be caught giving all the  boys blow jobs behind the sheds at lunchtime.  Those overly correct women, are the ones I avoid.  Its the closest I will ever get to the notion of a Devil.  They are snipers from the side.  Smile to your face. Bitch behind your back. And I just don’t like them because I am obviously now judging them.  Anyway…

 

3) They always wear a beautifully blow dried ponytail, that swings from side to side while they drop Gwilliam, Gweneth and Geronimo off at the school shuttle. They always arrive in a  high end Range Rover, with some dumb affected private licence plate. I HATE PRIVATE LICENCE PLATES MORE THAN I HATE DONALD TRUMP, TRAFFIC WARDENS, OR THE IRA.

I also hate “self righteous groupie cliquey school mums” who blatantly bully you (without “bullying”you) by leaving you out in a conversation, when they can see you are stood there alone, surrounded by a group they know, but their rudeness fails to involve you or introduce you. I hate those passive aggressive chip-on-their-shoulder- Mums. I hate rudeness and I have always shared my hatred for bullies.  The private licence platedriving gym wearing rich Hampstead Mum?  AKA idiot Ranger Rover Hampstead Mums (only the mean ones, as Ive got mates who drive these gorgeous cars) all have private licence plates which states “Im FUKCING RICH BITCHES”  

This annoying breed of Mother, is overly chatty to everyone….while sipping her homemade green tea (organic of course) from her personal flask (prob from Selfridges/Harrods/some dickhead rich shop) at 7am.  She will complain that her Staff didn’t make her morning tea correctly but didn’t feel she could “complain”. She is the HAMPSTEAD YUMMY/CRUMMY, Mum.

I HATE THESE WOMEN.

I don’t hate them out of spite. And also….Not because they’re rich.Nor do I hate them because I’m a single Mum and they’re married for the 8th time, or because they have nannies strapped to the roof and bumper of their Range Rovers….

I don’t even hate them because they are happy (or pretend to be while their husbands are shagging their Nannies), not because of any social class divide (i went to private school, yet Im to a cunt)….this TYPE of Mum…..they just scream Self importance but PRETEND they are one of you.  They are not. They are wankers.  They are fucking gym wearing (daily) show offs.  To tell the world, “Yes, I drop my children at school and then I have SOOOOOO much free time, I get to go to the gym immediately after…Im FUCKING LOADED & TRYING TO ENSURE MY HUSBAND DOESNT RUN OFF WITH HIS NEW French “Assistant” he keeps mentioning when our Butler serves us dinner”.

THEY PISS ME OFF.  

 

They cannot be doing what I do daily.  I woke last night, 9 times, BECAUSE i HAD AN UNWELL VOMITTING COUGHING IRRITATED CHILD. The poor baby started being sick approx 45mins after my household went into “bedtime lockdown” at 9.45pm.

 

NINE FOURTY FIVE PM IS NOW A LATE “CRAZY NIGHT” FOR ME AS IT IS….AND yes, that’s WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO BED IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THE NEXT DAY. Being divorced and a single mum of 3 very young kids, I never ever  know what is going to happen the following day. Can you imagine living like this constantly, without your family being nearby, friends are all living the same “normality”, and its only getting harsher as winter approaches.  The kids actually thought I had woken them “at night-time” for school, two weeks ago. It was dark, cold, miserable. It was the fucking UK. I’m a born and bred Londoner to the core. I know the winters here are harsh but the Summers and energy of London, makes up for a lot of things.

I don’t mind winter. I was born in December 1976, when it was snowing, freezing, and my Dad sat in his car for 2 hours (TWO ONLY!!!) while Mum popped me out the birth canal. Cold weather isn’t my favourite, but I DO love what winter brings with it.  Heavy soups, Stews, Beefs, Malbec, and aside from my birthday, theres the Elf on the Shelf and Christmas.  I don’t mind it…..

 

And it takes all kinds to make the world work.  I dont feel any judgement about anything to do with this profession, nor do I feel anything OTHER than respect for the women who have to manage the clientel.

I DO however, judge my partner, if they fuck around because of this profession.  Strip Clubs though….yes, they’re bloody genius…and money on tap (although not that easy to earn, considering the DICKS who frequent the establishments). I wish women had “Womens clubs” that are not the boring “Business Development, Old school networking, shitty non-dirty, members-only” clubs.  I wish we could go out for our girls nights thinking…..

YEHHHHHH!!!! TURN MY MOBILE OFFFFFFFF!!! NO SIGNAL!!!!

IM GOING TO GET ARSEHOLED AND HAVE SOME BLOKE DANGLE HIS COCK & STD’D BALLS IN MY FACE….!!!!!!

BUT I DONT TOUCH HIM SO ITS ALRIGHT, BITCHES!!!!”

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You know?! Those kinda “blokey” unhinged, black/white/Im a man therefore what is the problem with this barbaric behaviour… nights?

I think us girls, need an environment full of fit, fucking attractive (lets face it, there are not many good looking men out there), well built, able-to-speak-in-sentences-men, for our viewing and orgasmic pleasure.

Us women need Men, that we too can perve over, before going home, and climbing into our warm marital/couply/whatever-your-relationship-is, beds.  We too, need to feel zero guilt. Its never quite taken off though for us ladies though.

Funny that?

We have a Venus/Mars dynamic that is obvious and accepted.

Women? We dont always NEED that visual “COME FUCK/SUCK ME” situation, to “get off/turned on”, sexually.  We are actually more evolved than men (yes, in most ways) but ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex. I would love to say “babe, I’m off with the girls for dinner, we’ll possibly pop to Rhinoladyspearmints, then home before 1am”. Bottom line? We don’t NEED that instant gratification like men do. We, after all, are the ones who bring life into the world.  If it wasn’t for US?  Like dinosaurs, we’d be extinct.

Women are able to live, without men, in this day and age.  We procreate.  We are strong. We are the strength that makes life spin.  We can have multiple orgasms, with or without a man present, procreate with/without a man present, and we are sexually (possibly more so) just as in need as men are, when it comes to sex. But men dont realise that.  And women are not freely able to communicate that.  Otherwise we would be called “‘slags”, or “loose”, or “wrong ‘uns”.

Women are actually filthier, more able to have sex for numerous hours day (with orgasms and no blue pill AKA “Viagra”), than any man ever could.  Unless hes some friggin LEGEND…and those men only existed pre 1979.

Women also need a place to go and chill. Possibly not on the sexual scale that men do…and our “place” would probably involve having our feet massaged, hair brushed, possibly some “back room hidden action by a master tongue licker” (yes…naughty eh?) and we too, can go home and cuddle our fellas and state we were “faithful”.  Because WE did not “touch” the male strippers giving us pleasure. Plus “paying for it” means e are innocent… “They touched US after all“.  Same thing, surely? Not according to a man.  Nope.

The first, last & only time I went to a Strip Club, surprising, for someone with my openness, was in Bangkok.  This eye opener of an experience, where Ping Pongs were, literally, aimed at the Captain and I from a womans Vagina….was FUCKING BRILLIANT.

I couldn’t stop laughing and ordering more beer.

 

I COLDNT STOP LAGHING. THESE WERE WOMEN WITH TALENT, ZERO SHAME AND EDUCATING ME, ON SHIT IVE NEVER EVER SEEN. EVER.

I was sooo engrossed in the “show”… that even when I noticed couples walking in (the woman always clingling to her partners arm as if to say “WHAT THE FUCK AM I HERE FOR!?” I didnt care. I felt bad for these ladies, coming into the strip club, worried and afraid….and their fellas looked like they were comfortable and almost embarrassed by their partners discomfort.

I, on the other hand? Having never been to ANY strip club….took a view of….”LETS GET FUCKING INVOLVED!!!” My husband (number 1) was so stunned at my sheer “OK’ness” that HE started to unravel while I screamed and laughed and chatted to the girls working at the club.  I wanted to know how the FUCK did they throw darts out of their “noonies”?!  HOW!!!????  When do you practice this? WHat if you have an accident at home?  Who has Arnica in these situations?! (I always have it in my bag in case one of the kids has an accident).

I wanted to see how a woman blew birthday cake candles out, with her fucking, incredible….vagina. I was SOOOOO amazed that I HAD to order another Tiger Beer (the Captain was being harassed by a Lady Boy at the time, despite being sat right next to me) as I find women amazing….

PING PONGS??! BEING HURLED OUT OF A VAGINA?!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! HOW DO YOU PRACTICE THIS SHIT?! 

AND……..WITHOUT USING ONES HANDS!!!? WTF!!!!?

BLOODY GENIUS. 

Anyway….where was I?

Ah yes, men are dicks, women are amazing, life online is shit….and Ive yet to pay my Council Tax bill this month. Good times all round.

Ah…..and the dark nights are fast approaching as Winter is here.  Its this time of year that reminds me of an old life I once had, pre kids and marriage, in a NW6 loft apartment with my then fiancé, where Beef, fine cheese, sex and Malbec were divulged in guilt free abundance, as was sleeping, selfishness (as in, it was about the two of us only) and being very, very content. The Captain once told me he felt something had been missing, until I came along.  I miss those days. Those were my happiest days (until the children came along, but dynamics and life changed…very swiftly). I hope those wont be the only days, I experienced, on this mortal coil, where I felt genuinely fulfilled. But, right now (and being open like this I know is dangerous online) without fear, I am still not hitting that level of genuine happiness. Yes, divorce has impacted my view on the world, life, men and general beliefs I once held so dearly.  However, Love does that to people. It did it to me. I hope, one day, I get to experience that real, happy, certain, “given”, safe place again.

 

 

OK…SO….ONLINE DATING? CHEATING? WHATS YOUR TAKE?

You know whats recently become my new aggravation?  My new IRRITATION? And this works alongside my hatred of bullies, driving/parking in NW London during school runs where WANKER TRAFFIC WARDENS wait behind trees/cars/cats to give you a parking ticket first thing in the moring (despite knowing full well us parents HAVE to slow down and drop our kids off at school ….although id love it if mine could jump out while the car was still moving), lost school uniforms (especially expensive Blazers and winter jackets), the monthly bills, irritating drivers who have no idea about the width of their cars, Bankers, Smart Car drivers etc?

Ok, this issue is  not a “recent” global issue (as lets face it, people cheat if they want to) but, as I am an innocent, still trusting newbie to the dating game, after years of marriage,….I’ve been STUNNED, MORTIFIED, SILENCED (sheer shock affect) by the stories I’ve heard, things Ive witnessed/experienced with how the world now works with online dating relationships….AKA “THE ONLINE HIDDEN DATING ADDICTION”.

Now most of you ladies who are out there online dating, will meet someone you think “yeh….hes alright. He can speak without spitting. Doesn’t smell. Looks presentable. Doesn’t hurt kids or animals and can eat his food properly”

However, we have ALLLLLLLL experienced, that absolute insecure total idiot, who you’ve assumed you were exclusive with, until you randomly discover, they’re STILL onine dating and “keeping their options open”.  This hidden online life, that this man youve been seeing, may have carried on for months, or even YEARS in your healthy relationship. Why? Its always going to be your “fault”.

Why???? Because they are selfish, cheating, self absorbed twats with zero confidence or trust ability. Walk away now ladies/men….a cheat is a cheat is a cheat.

INTERNET DATING. AND cheating emotionally via online dating.

I know numerous, countless, people, who have been involved in the INTERNET DATING world. And also, dozens of people, burned by the phenomenon of “emotional online cheating”.

But…

apparently…

if youre online, but not “touching them”…its not cheating.

Really?

FUCK OFF.

Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating.

EMOTIONAL ONLINE CHEATING?

This IS cheating.

If you wouldn’t do this in front of your other half, it means you’re fucking cheating. How hard is this to comprehend?  Seriously? If youre hiding your online activity….you are CHEATING.  If you are caught out and claim its your partners fault you HAD to go surfing for a new partner online, despite being happy in your relationship? Its cheating.  Cheating.

CHEATING.

I love witnessing the sudden amnesia that arises (men are geniuses at this), when this conversation is brought up with your other half, after discovering their online (hidden alias) on some dating website. The piece of shit, cheating scum lord shouldn’t have been on any website but BUT….he then admits it…. but their respons?

“BUT I WASNT DOING ANYTHING! I never saw them….I didn’t really cheatttttttttt!! Youre crazy and NEEDY for saying these mad things! WHY ARE YOU CHECKING UP ON ME?!?! YOURE A NUTTER!!!” 

Err…yeh. Its me. I’m the “damaged one”…you fucking freakoid.  My partner is cheating on me because he claims he cant “trust me and needs to feel happy”…..Look in the mirror. And by that comment, I mean YOU not him.  HE is a piece of cheap shit. Worthless. He willmake any woman miserable. Any man who cheats and claims YOU are to blame? YOU need to WAKE UP AND WALK AWAY. IMMEDIATELY. Even if he was “changeable”, would you really want someone THAT damaged? No. He will always be a wrong ‘un. ALWAYS.  He cheated on you. He WILL do it again. And again. And again. Why? Its not you. Its him. Hes an absolute dickhead. Simple.

You are in a relationship. RELATIONSHIP. BUT….online verbal communication which includes sexting, flirting, photos, constant whatsapps or “Kiks”…etc….all, ALL, are communication that should NOT be happening if youre in a monogamous relationship.  They know this, otherwise, they wouldnt hide it.  They need egos stroked. You need a grown up. Yet this is NOT being unfaithful? Since when? Seriously? Since when did chatting up other women/men, in an online capacity, when youre in a RELATIONSHIP (or in a bar/club) become OK?

“BUT IT WAS ONLY TALKING! I touched her arse/arm/mouth/pussy…to put her in a cab as she wouldn’t leave me alone babe!!? Why are you acting so CRAZY!? You’ve got issues!!!”My response? (not that this conversations ever happened, nor has a bloke got the balls to even say that shit…but it has HAPPENED to women I know!!)

 

Me: “Errr, sorry, DICK…did you say you were being “helpful/friendly/old school mate/cousin youre clearly incestuous with?”

 

Him: “YES!!! WHYARE YOU SOOO INSECURE??  WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?  I WENT OUT WITH MY MATES BILL AND BEN AND BUMPED INTO KELLY AND SHE WAS BEING REALLY FRIENDLY BUT WAS WELL DRUNK.  I WAS BEING A GENTLEMAN BABY. STOP BEING BIPOLAR AND CAUSING PROBLEMS. THE FACEBOOK IMAGE OF ME SHAGGING HER AGAINST THE TESCO EXPRESS AT 2AM WAS NOT ME!!! YOURE FUCKING MAD WOMAN. A REAL WRONG ‘UN!!!!”

Me: “Yes. ok. Whatever. Im broken. Youre sane. Its me.

Now fuck off…..oh and BABE………I fucked your brother last night”.

Educate me boys? Ive got 3 brothers. I have a Handful of good male friends and no one, NO ONE, can argue, the facts. You go online, no matter what the emotional or physical outcome is, your INTENT was to cheat and your INTENT damaged/ruined/created new issues within your relationship with your partner/husband/wife/fuckbuddy/girlfriend/boyfriend/its ok friend.  FUCK OFF AND GROW UP.

People are not stupid. In this day and age, we have all learned more, from life, our own 80’s tastic parents (now newly open to all forms of honest discussions) and we ALL know, what is right.  Its easy.  But, the internet, has made idiot/vile/think they-are-something men, feel invincible and able to act anyway they like ie. LIARS/PLAYERS/SCUM. And NONE of them, especially the “attempted players” have any kudos to carry through with something properly legitimate. By this I mean….In the old days (1970’s….ish era) , a real player, was someone handsome (a given), well off (or looking for a “sugar-Mummy”) educated (or at least pretended to be), and usually able to carry any situation…and fucking sharp.  This day and age….? You haven’t got anyone who has that old school ability.

That’s why I love older men. and by older I mean 50+.  Theyre a different generation and they hold doors open (THIS IS A HUGE DEAL IN OUR DAY & AGE), they give you their hand when you’re walking (anywhere) and they ASK you if youre “ok”.

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Simple, right? Not with the idiots of this day and era. Its surprising but I cant remember what my ex husband used to do, but I assume, he was cut from the old school cloth, of real men (or I’m a fool for giving him 3 kids. And I’m no fool. I was in love with a good man for a while. He set the benchmark). This new generation of “its all about  the new male idiot syndrome”…the men of today? This generation of inexcusable broken, demanding men, where they immediately insist you buy them a “drink” to be “equal” are, in my opinion (and its not about money, its about class)….but these boys/man-child weirdos….they are to be avoided.  They need counselling and a penis extension/circumcision/STD tests, before you even broach them. And if you still, STILL, want to go there….more fool you.

You all know what’s right and wrong in relationships. That is, until you’re caught out, online, flirting with someone else. Writing to someone else….someone who is NOT your partner/lover/wife/girlfriend. Being suggestive and flirtatious? If its hidden, its WRONG. FACT. BUT, we all know this. WE ALL KNOW THIS.

Online hidden aliases, profiles, hidden emails, hidden mobiles, different photos, hidden facebook profiles, random names/date of births/addresses/VPNS, hidden agendas. Its bullshit scumbag behaviour. WE ALL KNOW THIS, SURELY?

TINDER

OKCUPID

MATCH.COM

EHARMONY

ASHLEYMADISON.COM (may you all burn in hell you unfaithful cheating scum…ps. LOVE THIS SITE IN PARTICULAR…Ill explain why next week :))

ONLINE DATING….

Something which is NOW, after 15+ years old, and considered the “norm” today.  Also, the norm in the sense that MEN cant even consider being faithful, simply because they cant HELP but be online. Theres too much on offer. They are “Hidden”. Profiles hidden. You are “blocked” wihout even knowing it from websites because hes already preempted you looking him up. WANKERS. The whole lot of ’em.

Normal, acceptable, people nod knowingly (usually still “married”, without any idea their marriage will end in approx 5-10 years…if theyre lucky) and go “oh, yes….which website are you on? Tinder? Elite.com? friendfinder.com? localfuck.com? immeidateshagmenoquestionsasked.com? I’macheatingscumbagsoareyou.com? Match.com? okCupid? Ashley Madison (youre a cunt if you did)?!”

Firstly, id like to begin by stating….

I met the “Captain” of my household ship (yes, as in, my EX HUSBAND) online…. via “speeddater.co.uk”. The man wouldn’t leave me alone until I “granted” a date….and later, happiness, travel, love, marriage, 3 kids, and then a very painful divorce which to this day, I am still, STILL, recovering from. I fell in love. Once and only once. Regardless of the details, I was lucky to have felt happiness even for a year on the level I did. I know he misses that. I know I miss him for so many moments when, in those days, our “tight team” (his words not mine), meant we laughed a lot. I was often “managed” because of my humour and more relaxed manner, but also, I felt love for a long time, before that ended.  He did too.

Now? NOW!? Fuck me….we hate each other and cant even breath in the same aura. But divorce is another story/article…. ongoing painful conversation, I’m certain he doesn’t want to endure anymore than I do.

It wasn’t anyones fault, the divorce….but…before “speedater.co.uk” kicked off in my life, I’ve always believed in the “online” relationship gig.  It does truly work. It genuinely gives you the chance to chat and negotiate with a potential partner, before meeting them somewhere random. Normally near a train station. FYI….Avoid East Croydon overland station and anywhere remotely “remote”. Don’t open yourself up for problems with people you know are already unhinged. Also, fuck the crazies.  If theyre not right on the phone, or via text, or sending photos of their erections or photos where they state ex girlfriends wont leave them alone and are “fucking nutters”….avoid them immediately. Respect yourself.

Know your own worth and have a hot bath, dinner for one and let the universe provide the right “sort” for you. Its not worth your time or heartache, being mistreated by an absolute piece of shit (that you want to change). The men today, have got far too cocky for my liking. I want to punch numerous men in the face, just for stating a woman was “needy” because she asked when she’d see them again. “Needy”? You wish. Keep the thought in mind. I’d rather be alone, than unhappy with a cheating, STD breeding, uneducated, alpha male, who brings nothing to your front door, but sadness, guilt and manipulation. End that shit.

You find out what youre actually “dealing with” on an online date before you meet. Is that attractive fella in the photo going to deliver as a human being ,when you meet? OR, is he going to arrive, emotionally angry/wasted and a “wrong un” right away?

Women know immediately.  Its why we have the children. Its why we procreate. Its why we are WOMEN.  We know and feel everything.

The biggest mistake we are genetically known to make? HEY, PLEASE REMEMBER IM ON YOUR SIDE (AS IN WOMEN….MEN CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF)….WE…WOMEN…WE Try and fix the piece of shit staring at us and trying to communicate with us over a glass of Pinot Grigio (which you probably paid for), like a badger out of hibernation. That’s our fault. We want it all. Apparently that’s wrong.

When they’re damaged (MEN, NOT US), theyre friggin beyond  “fixable status”, as lets face it….he’s already arrived with his best clothes/shoes on, hopefully showered and still, STILL, with some bullshit idiot attitude…which screams “aren’t you lucky I’m here?!”  If you already know he’s broken, mean, unfaithful, a complete idiot….


…..fucking run, forget “Uber taxis” and go bull market & large it with a black London Cab to escape. You are worth more than that. YOU ARE ALWAYS WORTH MORE THAN ANYTHING THAT ARRIVES IN THAT CAPACITY. Anyone who makes you feel you should be grateful they turned up? Seriously….. check yourself and your own mindset.  Go home, laugh en route to your house….and think “I’m going to be a lesbian. Id probably be happier, more fulfilled and find someone stunning, kind and engaging. FUCK THIS ATTITUDE”.

Sooo…again…internet dating.  I met my ex husband, nearly 14 years ago when online dating was considered “taboo”. The ex, to be fair, didn’t want anyone knowing that someone like him (or, Me), was looking online for, well….a marriage, a life, happiness. We were the real deal for a very very long time. But those questions that arose from online dating novices?  “What’s wrong with you?!” and “why online?!”  He didn’t want those questions. There was nothing wrong with either of us.  The same being now, with the whole universe doing what we did all those years ago. We wanted clarity, a bit of honesty, some insight into what we were going to meet for dinner that first time….and also….banter.  I BLOODY LOVE BANTER. It turns your man into your best friend within seconds when you can talk and joke and be YOU.

The ex Captain?  He had legitimate social concerns about peoples perceptions of someone online dating, when clearly, he was physically and verbally capable of pulling what is the now, nasty, old fashioned way… ie. in a bar, club, taxi queue…

I on the other hand, have always been a firm supporter of the online “meet, greet, merge and/or, disappear” way.  Why?  Firstly, you can find out if someone can actually read/spell/punctuate (super important for me) and secondly, I’m lazy.  I don’t want to speak to someone in the middle of a noisy bar, restaurant, road….without knowing some background knowledge about them first.  In addition, now I’m a parent (yes….7 years later), Ive got a responsibility to my children, but I also, cant be arsed with dickheads.

So….here lies the new conundrum.

You go “online” dating. and to be honest, I’m a friggin BALL PARK, HIT A HOME RUN, genius, with my words. I’m not being an aggressive, arrogant male banker here. This is FACT. I can write any man into my bed. You want to pull someone ladies….seriously? Drop me an email and Ill show you how easily its done.  EASY. Yes boys. EASY.  Take that you cheating WANK CREW.

Ive had over 2500 responses on Tinder alone, and “likes” (lucky me) are beyond normal….simply by stating in a round about way “I’m fit, single, have 3 kids, if youre a muppet FO and if you want to play, I suggest Ashley Madison”. In addition, I MAY have mentioned I’m sensual and have decent boobs (theyre friggin beautiful people….BEAUTIFUL!)

The responses?!
Aside from:

Herro…you like coffee. we meet in Dagenham bus station, yes lady?”

“Hi, I’m a farmer from Teddington. Do you drink tea?”

“How was your day beautiful?” That comment in particular is probably a template for over 100000000 Online daters and beyond pathetic. I hate that question more than I hate bullies, racism and Donald Trump (all the same thing really). How weak and empty is anyone, to have their first opening line as “how are you?!” FUCK OFF. Boring. Probably in a jail cell or married. Vile either way. If youre keen, pick up the phone immediately and show YOUR WORTH. IDIOT. Sorry….I like men. I’m just beyond stunned at the level of quality these past few years. Rude. Dismissive. Vulgar. and they cant understand why I give them a slap, the £2 bill for my “water with ice” and block them for eternity. EUWWWW.

The general uptake was “ ARE YOU A FUCKING BLOKE, or, a very cool bird?”  Erm….my response?

A) “well done from using an apostrophe”?!

B) Hello, desperado….no I’m a woman disgusted by the male race and hoping someone will eventually return me to planet “relationships with good men do exist once you wheedle through the bullshit, unwanted nude erection photos (seriously, STOP this!!!) and basically desire to meet someone, which I hate to say, is NORMAL”.

As it turns out….there are some very good men out there….albeit, broken, divorced, single (“I never found the right one after I punched her dad in the caravan that day”…or, “she doesn’t love my Cat “Nancy/Mum” as much as I do”) men. There are some crazies out there.

Even the smart, attractive, educated ones….they’re more damaged than the jail boys in Wormwood Scrubs (although at least those boys are faithful to women, ONLINE DATING ISNT BEING “UNFAITHFUL” AFTERALL). I’m confused as to what’s happened since I got married in 2007.  Something broke with the men I grew up surrounded by….the good guys I knew… ruined. Weird. Awful. Disgusting.

There are some “keepers”, some “growers”, and some “what the fuck am I doing this for?!!!!” moments. Ive never ever shunned online dating as ive always been a genius at this shit.

Until now. 2017. Crazy alert.

CRAZY ALERT AND BROKEN 2017 MAN SYNDROME HAS HIT.

These are men with issues and sexual madness on a level I feel sorry for, disturbed by, and also, yes, he may read this, has caused some form of “I miss my ex husband” syndrome. I am not writing that before Trolls get stuck in, to state, I want my Ex Captain back….but fuck me…..there are some odd men out there. And BOY DO THEY LOVE SLAGGING WOMEN OFF.

Nut bag Male 2017 Syndrome on a level I now encounter almost daily (not even online….!!). Ive left a grown man crying in a bar after telling him to “fucking get a life, get some emotion, grow a penis, and stop driving a car that requires being plugged in to recharge….. also fucking stop being a judgemental prick AND ASKING ME WHAT i GOT IN MY “DIVORCE SETTLEMENT”.  Ballsy men, with zero appeal, ugly, not attractive in the slightest, driving cars that need to be plugged in every 3 hours (theyre clearly crusing the London roads for women and running out of battrey) because they don’t want to pay for fuel, and rude too. RUDE. OMG….RUDE. Its actually funny.

Euwwwwww…..Euwwww…..IM CONSIDERING BEING A LESBIAN….IF i EVEN HAVE A LOOK IN WITH THE Muff Bunch.

I miss being with someone who connected with me immediately. On every fucking level mentally, and socially.  I never ever experienced this random, unknown, non-understanding, of normal social etiquette…ever. You go out, you laugh, you flirt, you have dinner, you chat again…NORMAL!??? SURELY!!!!? But weirdos galore? They are out there now by the bucket load.

 

SOOOO WHYYYYYY WHYYYYYY WHYYYYY are men being weird. Like, NUTBAG WIERD. EUWWWWW.  I got approached by a very attractive man last week at the Costa Coffee in Tescos (yes, I’m Rock n ROll people) and immediately, I had to LINKEDIN the dumbass before I even smiled and paid for my triple macchiato. Turns out, he was 15 and not 47. Not a CEO but a GBH’er. EUWWWWWWWW.

WHYYYYY!?

Am I, as a woman supposed to sit around, wait for some legend to step in and fill my own emotional and sexual boots/needs…..when clearly….there is an issue/shortage/lack of obvious proper supply, of men….fitting a normal, female, happy, divorced need?  OR

 

ORRRRR

 

They are dating you and still online.

Still online but in their dumb empty vessel like minds, thinking….”I’m not being unfaithful”….”I’m online…not physical…”

Errrrrm…”mate. If youre cheating emotionally? Youre fucking cheating and being a shady snake too. FUCK OFF. Really. FUCK OFF”.

Ive had THAT “moment”….when, as a “grown up” …..you actually realise (the penny dropped) …

“You’ve been played…” 🖕Not just “played”….but PLAYED on a level, your “over 40” radar was not ready for.

That moment, as a single woman, once happily content as a “duo”, shows a new light on the after 40’s “dregs”. DREGS.

i don’t want “DREGS”. I don’t want “seconds”. No one does!!!

i don’t WANT an online “dating life” and trust me, I can pull many a man by writing frivolous “banter” alone. I DONT WANT THIS!!! I LOGGED OFF in 2007. When I hung up those long black suede boots and got married.

BUT. BUTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Ive got an idea…. Ladies….

Of everyone from eharmony, to Ashley Madison, to ecupid….can set up some website….where you’ve no control…

what happens when someone like, me?
Someone whose been used to being IN LOVE….starts “online empty vessel-like, going for an audition, yet more ruthless” dating?

While I seem to have forgotten )although recently reminded often by the Ex, and any other arsehole trying to knock me)…I am no longer 27…but 40 years old. I HAVE aged, but I don’t see it.  I see my potential. My new found experience. My STILL incredible figure. My openness to accept wankers, despite everything.

So why…why? Why is this process, called “ageing”….easier on men, than us women? WHy are they bloody looking BETTER as we get older? Not all of them. But the divorced male crew….fucking hell.  There are some HOT single men out there now, walking around like Peacocks….proud as hell, sleeping well as their ex’s are looking after their kids every night without them having a moments broken sleep.  Why are they ok?

Men? Age very WELL. Women….?i look at photos from 2 years ago and it’s like I’m seeing another person in those memories. Age creeps up A LOT QUICKER, on the female form. Why? We have the babies. Surely we should get rewarded, not cast aside, because we are no longer “taught & young”.

 

men? Ageless.

AGELESS.

why do they get to look BETTER WHEN THEY AGE??

 

Why, as a Mum and woman, have I changed soooo dramatically in my physical appearance that I barely know who I am some days, should I attempt to look in a mirror.

 

I WANT TO COME BACK AS A BLOKE IN MY NEXT LIFE.

 

I TOLD THE EX CAPTAIN THIS OFTEN.

And NOOO…I’m not some closet lesbian, keep to be an arrogant penis swinging, ugly ball sacked, bloke.

 

NO. I want to experience the world of a Man.

I’ve got a “if I woke with a penis” list of “To Do’s”:-

 

1) shave my balls.

2) make sure arse and ball sack are properly shaved after original “ball shave”.

3) sunbed.

4) buy a stupid crazy expensive, noisy car, with loud exhaust, racetrack tyres, cock envy road appeal, to piss everyone off at 6am when I sped off to work in the city (or my real cover, “escort agency”).

5) grow a pair and after shagging over 309999 women in my first trial week as a temp bloke, I decide…“enough is enough….!!!! I’m going to find love, happiness, and charity. BUT…not until I’ve had one, ONE (c’mon!!) NIGHT AT THE INFAMOUS STRIP CLUB, “SPEARMINT RHINO”...

To be fair…”Spearmint Rhino” is like Starbucks…

IF I WOKE UP AS A MAN/FELLA/GEEZER, WHAT WOULD I DO?  Being a woman. Knowing what Men are like (ish).

Hmmmm…..I’d stand in front of a full length mirror. Observe all the body hair, ugly testicals, MASSIVE penis (c’mon!) and then?  Well….THEN….I hit a strip club….I mean….if there’s a huge sign with a finger pointing to a lap dancing club. Being OLD SCHOOL, Id probably go underground and fid the filthy strip clubs, but, being LAZY….”fuck it” ….SPEARMINT RHI it is.

What happens once I arrive?  After a 15 minute £350 lap dance. I go home to my non suspecting Mrs (whose been up nursing our newborn), and sleep soundly because “hey I FUCKING WORK ALL DAY AND DESERVE IT!!!STOP BEING A NUTTER!!! IM NOT DOING ANYTHING”

 

Strip clubs…?

IF your man, goes there, after he’s smashedollowing a few drinks? He then stares randomly at some girls tits, arse etc while shes dancing, possibly goes into the “no touching” private room…. but hey?!

If YOU, as  a modern woman, attempt to even mention this?!! His response? “It was a night out with the fellas YOU NUTTER!!!” situation. Youre the “nutter” for mentioning it. Youre “insecure” for commenting and youre a typical “bird” for being “sooooo pathetic” over this stuff.  His brazen response normally is “sorry, what’s the problem with me getting a lap dance?”

Yours? “oh nothing wrong baby. Did you get a receipt to claim for your cab home babe? Did they all have massive lils?”

How do you, as a grown up (keep reminding myself, that I AM one)….respond to this blatant, exceptionally disrespectful, open,  visual, not-allowed-to-argue-about-it-discussion regarding strippers? Is it cheating?

It IS cheating. However you chose to look at it.  Would your partner do this shit in front of you? Unless hes a total imbecile, then NO. Your MAN would never ever sit in front of you while a bird is rubbing her tits and arse across his body and hes talking to YOU about the next days food shop in Tescos and what time your 1 year old slept yesterday.  FUCK OFF.

WOULD HE be sat there, in front of you doing this? No. ….therefore….its blatanty still wrong. And for someone like me?

This “yeh, we had a few drinks and wanted a pair of tits in our faces”…scenario/conversation/apparently acceptable “norm”?? Nope.

When I was married? This conversation never even occurred. The Captain would call me, mid dinner/nightclub/Ibiza/Vega/Miami/local Greek taverna, to update me on the latest gossip…. but ALWAYS, came home to me (without any hidden agenda/lifestyle I was stupid or innocently thinking didn’t exist) in those first 9 years-TWELVE YEARS.  Not bad for a banker.  Not bad for any couple, when we had death, IVF, illness, moving home/country/etc etc etc, to contend with.

After having lived for 9-12 years of open iPhones, mac computers, answering each others texts, sharing Dropbox accounts and Instagram…..honesty. Trust. NORMALCY.

Now?

People cover their screens, take their mobiles to the loo… to ensure their random shag from the night before doesn’t flash up at 2am while you’re asleep….together.

Fine. But thats not for ME. EVER.

i don’t want this single set up if it involves mad men calling women “Nutters” without looking at themselves in the mirror first.  Id rather abstain from dating all together, until the steroids (or whatever crap theyre pumping into their veins) has worn off.  I need someone chilled. Kind. Relaxed. Capable of being nice…..and engaging. SImple really.

i don’t want marriage either (it took a while for me to get my head around it after escaping 2 previous engagements)….I NEVER asked for a ring the last time. But this time round….nope. Never ever again.  It ruins everything. That circle on your finger…that symbolism.  Something I was always reluctant to have.  Never again.

No one gets to “own” me again.  I wont take your name. I wont sign on the dotted line for you over legalities.  I WILL however, be a partner and friend.  I will be there and remain loyal, without the paperwork to ensure the deal is finalised. Ive always been that type of girl anyway.

To find my next “chapter”…I need a smart, yet sweet (& happily kind/non judgemental) Man “friend/lover/buddy”.

I can only wish for a best friend I will grow old with (one day, as this shit is never easy)…but…. I need my next “Clyde”.

 

 

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About Fruitlessbloom

Rock n Roll meets Martha Stewart (pre prison) ...on Red Bull. I am, actually, an easy going, happy girl, with 3 children, hugely educated, hugely unaffected, no malice towards my past life (I grew up in a very different household), not comfortable in religious groups (modern, reform, or otherwise), and yet still....still (!!!?0 a believer). One day, I'll finally meet someone.... open, sweet, sensual, attractive, and loving (they must love my entire crew. first. Then, me. Im a Mum, plus 3 ....) I'm a package and then some... the "then some" are non negotiable. and also amazing. Me? I'm actually already disillusioned. My life wasn't meant to be this way...:)

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