Archive | November 2016

Dating after “Divorce” (AKA.”HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?”)

This is a very brief piece, for the time being….as writing about “dating” is something, I’m really not keen, nor, ready to do.

HOWEVER….one very quick query for those divorced/separated/newly single families out there….

Something, I’m finding very…..bleughhhhh…..”empty”, but, perhaps, glaringly obvious to those who’ve been on the singles scene for a while.

This whole dating “new people”. Lets be honest, they could be “Aliens” right now, for me.

For those of you “dating” again for the first time, after say,  5-15 years with one person, will possibly not find this an easy task. I’ve only known one man for 12 years. TWELVE WHOLE YEARS!! Mentally, emotionally….physically.

I have found myself in a couple of situations, on a date, with people, who were TOTALLY, never even considered worthwhile (I’m not being an arrogant dick here, I’m just stating the truth) in my original spectrum, 13 years ago….. What is happening?

When you arrive on a first “date” (or in my head….”emotional challenge”)…and see some knobmunch sat at a table sipping Camomile Tea (one shocking, “how did I get this SOOO wrong” moment)…..My thought was, “I HIRED A FUCKING NANNY FOR THIS MAUVE, “Fruit of the Loom” T-SHIRT WEARING, NIKE TRAINERS (Bill Gates stylie), BARELY BRUSHED HIS 3 STRANDS OF COMBED OVER HAIR, MAN?!!”   This “MAN” then insists I buy my OWN drink!?? MY OWN DRINK?!  Sorry….I must disgust those New Age, independent people by stating this £10 fact…..BUT….”HEH?!”  When did this happen?!?

This bloke, a single bellend (OK….I’m being polite. I mean, COCK), who was actually bloody rude, asking me what I got “financially” in my divorce settlement (WTF!?!), clearly cant dress (or does so, in the dark), drives a “Prius as its cost effective”, has NO IDEA how to speak to people (forget a woman), how much it cost me to LEAVE MY HOUSE AND 3 CHILDREN, SAFELY AT HOME. All to go meet a complete waste of  1.5 hours. Actually, I’d exited within 48 minutes and stayed out, on my own, sipping a £15 cocktail….pondering on whether I was actually ready to “get back out there” again.

Sorry….for WHAT?!?!?! THIS?! THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Ive clearly AGED. Something Men also like to point out….”youre no spring chicken” or “youre 40 this year, right?”


So….the only time this shitty date I attended, did happen, I BURST INTO LAUGHTER (I couldn’t help it as this dick was arrogant too), explained I wasn’t ready at meeting “men of that calibre” and perhaps I should give “women a go”.

I’ve always had a good radar for “crazy/bastard/weird/players/time-wasters/WASPS/Estate Agents etc”) but the minute I laid eyes on this “man”, rude and arrogant as he was…..I needed to leave ASAP. I WENT HOME AND WATCHED “X FACTOR” after buying myself a drink and observing the world around me, alone, and thinking….”Nope. Not ready. Nope!!”

As a divorced, single Mum, I feel very much like a Man approaching any (lets be honest)hideous, date.

I cant even be bothered to “carry” the bloody evening with my usual wit and kindness (no, I’m being serious here).  I’m actually a “carrier” ie. I cant cope with seeing people feel uncomfortable, so I overcompensate with chat/banter/laughter/alcohol….ANYTHING!!!.

AND I actually SAID this in my personal ad write up (yes, online dating…’re seriously going to judge after all the stuff I’ve shared?!)…. Men were emailing me saying not only was it the funniest write up they’d read, but also checking if I was “female”.

Errr…..”yes….I am a female.

The fact these men were soooooo bowled over by a shitty piece of slapstick/pisstake/innocent/slightly vulnerable-testing-the new-waters-fun, strikes you or any potential mate right off my list…. instantly.

Alas…..I AM NOW A MAN (Emotionally)…although the way my luck is running, I’m amazed I’ve not woken with a penis. I DONT GIVE A CRAP when interacting with anyone from the opposite sex. I’m rude, obnoxious, do what I want, say what I want…. I’m feeling zilch. Bubkus. These men, have zero personality, charm, ability, humour….gumption. JEEEEZ….I could go on…and on….and on.

This now leads me to a thought…. something I find very hard to comprehend, but its obvious….

Is it ….. that I’ve now (finally) grown up?


Was it that I was loved sooo well, I now don’t know any different? I’m now a spoilt woman expecting nothing less than friggin respect (damnit!!) no matter what.

Either way…for those single ladies on the “look-out” in London for single men. STOP LOOKING. Either join Ashley Madison (oooohhhh….don’t judge….I’m being funny)….or simply, I don’t know…..Stop the search.  I am not moving on, nor am I staying in the past. But one thing I do know…..FINALLY.

The last 12 years with the Captain, were not in vain…..Id rather have experienced that, than 12 years of this madness…emptiness. It was a great benchmark. A great understanding and lesson in what I WONT accept. ie. Unless theyre genuinely worth my time, I’m happy to bolt, feel zero guilt, and accept, that only in time, will karma/life, eventually lead me back to a man, who will be the right fit. When that will happen?  I must stop thinking about. And I accept that. It could be next week, or 20 years time. But I wont waste another minute on trying to stroke my own ego and entertain someone, I never did then, nor should I now. Divorced single Mums are not desperate…..theyre more in tune, more experienced and more capable, having been there n’ done that the first/second/third time around 🙂

In the meantime….my 3 kids will always fulfil all aspects of my entire life (“until the day you die”….my Mums words, not mine).

I’m just sharing something that’s hit me like a sledge hammer.

Men can replace a women very VERY easily (not personalities though…. funny women can NEVER be replaced…and we’re always remembered) but we ARE physically replaceable…. I stress “physically“.  NOT mentally. NEVER mentally. Men recall emotion and banter as much as the physical stuff.  They’re just very predictable on the physical side.

Women, or maybe, just me (the bellend), I’m yawning before Ive even heard a “Hello” from a potential nightmare date. I already know, they wont even touch my emotional/personal, aura right now. NONE of my (1.2 dates…..) who I’d heavily screened pre date, had any ability to fulfil what I now feel I need…Normality, banter, kindness, attraction, intelligence, arrogance (only a teeeeny amount but enough to make me giggle)…..a real Personality. Nope.  Nothing. So I’ve retired. It took 27 years to find The Captain…..I think it’ll take approx. 5 years to fill those boots.  When we were happy, life was amazing. I need that hole filled properly and responsibly.  My children come first.  If they hate anyone….(not that they’ve met ANYONE)….well, I’ll go by them and their judgement.

Enjoy the kids being back at school readers!! I’m a Parent “Volunteer” at their Halloween disco this week…..their football Coach is SUPER attractive….and I reckon LOVES ME….?!  Unfortunately….I don’t care right now….still numb from the divorce.