Its been a while…
Why? Well… when you have THREE KIDS …its a pain in the vagina (literally).
Plus… zero thank you’s make me an angry woman. I’ve been cooking, drinking, eating…judging… judging some more….. but… Im such a dumbass…Ive not logged anything.
I’ve had “three baby’itis”…. i.e.. I can’t do shit and all I want to do is sleep. SLEEEEEEEP. Yes, I have help. Get the fuck over the Help situation people. I HAVE HELP AND I AM STILL FUCKING TIRED. WHY??? WHY O WHY AM I STILL TIRED??? I AM SPOILT. I WANT TO SLEEP. I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEP. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE INVOLVES EXPLAINING, WHY, IM SOOOO FRIGGIN TIRED????
WE ARE MUMS AND WE ARE TIRED. YES… ok… we have Help…so we can’t open our mouths and moan as much…BUT…. we are tired!!!! IM TIRED!!! its not like I can hand over my 2 month old baby to someone, and say “ok..Im off to bed”. Thats not how it works in my world. I hand over baby , then I watch what is going on, the SAME AS IF I WAS LIVING AT HOME WHATS different? We pay help here. PLus, we abuse family at home and we don’t/shouldnt do that here. Legally anyway… people frown on that shit. I do.
I ‘ll tell you why I feel sooo bad every time I want to relax……Guilt.
I ring home and my conversation goes like this…
“I know I have HELP….but I’m soooo tired”.
Friend, “Oh, hon its sooo easy where you are, you spoilt bitch. Get over it. You over botoxed, wierdo. I barely get to the bus-stop without my kids being difficult. You are soooo lucky and spoilt. SPOILT. Where IS your husband this evening? Is he out AGAIN??! You are such a whore!!”
Me..”But I’m soooo tired”
Friend….”But you have LIVE IN HELP…you are a spoilt whore who has no concept of reality. Get over yourself. Silly cow. I had to wake at 10am on Sunday to deal with my 18 year old son and his 15 year old crack addict girlfriend. My Mum was already in Wandsworth prison so it was I, dealing with my kids…. I went to prison on Sunday to collect them. You are soooooo spoilt by being so easy with your kids and having help. Gosh. I couldn’t imagine having anyone in my house ever….. judging me. ” Oh FUCK OFF YOU JELOUS ARSEHOLE.
Me: “but, did I mention, Im sooooo tired… since I got home from Bali? My villa had no live-in staff or anything. I had ONE massage a DAY!! “
Friend: ” You are a fucking arsehole who has been indulged too much. Go fuck yourself. Darling.”
Friend again… “Do you not recall when you were a young student and ran out of toothpaste and asked me to loan you money, just so you could buy Tescos own brand?”
Me...”(a) It was CONDOMS not toothpaste and, (b) lending me 50p is not a huge hardship. What the fuck is wrong with you lately??”.
Friend…”Oh you have soooo changed since you arrived in Hong Kong. Like you’re better than us or something…”
Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?! You are such a let down as a mate… “.
If you think that us “stay at home, lazy arse mo-fo-wanker-Mums-with Help” do fuck all…. you’re having a laugh. Do you know how much GUILT is involved in leaving the kids, even for a 10 minute coffee trip to meet a friend? I don’t even LIKE people.
BUT, I am sooo desperate to leave the house and be normal, I go for coffee. I DONT EVEN FUCKING DRINK COFFEE. Im a tea person….OK…thats a lie…. I’m obviously a Vodka/Wine/Champagne person but thats not the point.
FYI CAPTAIN…. I DONT DRINK COFFEE. Its been nearly 10 fucking years. I don’t have sugar and I don’t drink coffee. Yet, still… you ask me if I have sugar with my coffee. No sugar. No coffee. * Sorry….just needed the old balls and chain at home to get that tiny piece of information stored for future reference.
My recent conversations have included….Oh…”wheres your 9 month old baby boy?”
My reply..” She a girl and she’s nearly 14 months”.
“Oh… how are ALLLLL your children?”
My response…”in the loving arms of my helper…who they now refer to as “Mum“.
If I was at home, the kids would refer to the help (Grandma) as “Satan”. But, no. Here I am a spoiled, manicured, idiot, who has 3 kids, 2 Helpers, 1 husband, a lover (yeh right…as if I have time.) and all I want to do…is fucking sleep. SLEEEEEEP. Be alone. Read a friggin $80 magazine (seriously… why do the good magazines have to be sooooo bloody expensive here? Yes, they are imported but its not like they’re flying First class for fucks sake). Sit in a dark room with a Cosmopolitan, read a book/mag/watch porn… not talk to anyone about nappy rash/people/husbands/helpers/helpers doing our husbands…. and breathe….
Also, do I write about how much I HATE the bullshit that occurs at school when I collect the kids? NOOO. Ok yes, sometimes. Its sooo fucking boring, I would rather stick needles in a taxi drivers foreskin. Do I write about how much I HATE being a Housewife that needs to explain what I do daily? NOOO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. Yes… I have lost the will to live.
I have …..BECOME MY MOTHER.
Do you know what? Fuck It.
I LOVE being a parent (most days). Yes, I have HELP here. SOOO WHAT?!?! I’m not going to be an idiot and say “Oh no I would rather do it all myself“, especially when we can actually afford Help here. This is what living in HK is about. If you want to judge, fuck off my site and go write about this shit somewhere else.
I arrived here… all…“oooh… its soooooo not me”…. and now…. if i could take back every stupid word I said, I would. Life here is MADE for women, and men.
I LOVE HONG KONG…put that on a bumper sticker.
I HATE parent chit chat at school (Im sooo bad.. no one even knows who my kids are… they are usually amazed that I have 3…) I HATE the MOTHERHOOD group. I AM SHIT AT THIS. I am sooooo awkward….and far too sexy for this stupid group.
The convo at school collection goes like this…
“oh HI!…how are you?” (Mum to me….never the other way around. I actually act as If Im really busy on my phone, sending important texts to my Helpers about washing and food).
My response: “yeh…fine. the usual hangover day. you been working out or something?”
“OH YESSSS (telling EVERYONE WHO IS ARRIVING AT THE DOOR IN CASE WE DONT HEAR THIS MUMMY)…”IVE BEEN DOING YOGA. I’m training to be an instructor. Im also setting up a fine needle company where I import needles from other countries that you just can’t get here”.
My response…. “WOW” .…thinking…. “Get the fuck out my face crazy needle import lady. I just fell asleep while you were talking to me”…
How DARE these women who WORK OUT during school time… make ME feel bad because I GO HOME TO BED. YES, I SLEEEEEEP people. I go home and instead of writing lists, emailing people, talking to the Captain, harassing my Helpers, negotiating stuff….I GO TO SLEEP. IM SOOOO Tired.
These little people (the kids I mean), who are in our lives every day (with HELP!!!), exhaust me. I feel guilty when I brush them off, I feel great when I do stuff, but mainly… I just want to sleep. I want to sleep ALL the time!!! Im a bad person without sleep. I do bad things if Im tired like not speak, moan, drink, cry, and eat chocolate. I love my kids…. but sleep…. we all need friggin sleep people. I can’t explain how tired I am.
Thank fk for great Helpers here who act as are our Aunties and Mums at home. Be kind and nice to them, like you are at home… and its all fine. Im not here to moan about our Helping angels (much), but I am bloody, exhausted. And, I HAVE HELP!!!
Ok, Im off to sleep now. May have a bottle of red to ease me in…
ps. The photo of the bird on this post was from a stupid “sake” evening in Kyoto, Japan. Google trip advisor and look for my comments. I was not very nice….