Archive | June 2013

Where is my frigging knife &…erm… potty training…again…

Ok… soo….My BELOVED KITCHEN KNIFE… given as a wedding gift (and part of a 6 group) … has randomly disappeared in the last week. Disappeared.  How does a knife just get up and leave an apartment? Its a KNIFE for fucks sake?!

I mean, where does it go?  Is it also having Sundays off and forgot to come home until “2 for 1” hour was over?  Is it sitting on a beach somewhere in Repulse Bay, waiting for its owner/mates?  Is it meeting up with other knives on its day off and talking about how bad I am as a knife owner?  I don’t care.  The point is…how does it disappear?  Its become a conundrum… *FYI…Photo below of a Rubix cube (being an 80’s child n’ all) seemed my only way of showing a conundrum…

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Now…. I know what you’re thinking....”this crazy bitch has faaaar too much time on her hands to wonder where the frigg this knife has disappeared to…” but seriously… WHERE IS IT?!?!?

How do you lose a sharp (and I mean, “Plastic Surgeon” sharp) knife in an apartment….with three kids…under the age of 3 years old (yes…. don’t remind me)?

I’m worried that (a) its been used to cut something (usually celotape, post, Park n Shop deliveries) and forgotten about in our apartment…now lurking for an inevitable eye/leg/police report when “Mummy was drunk” injury with my kids…or (b) its off in Kowloon or Wan Chai…working the tables… earning some cash… never to return again….unless its on Asiaexpat with tales of abuse.  How does a kitchen knife, that lives in a block of knives, disappear? Seriously….its annoying the shit out of me. Stay at home Mum or working Mum… this is really irritating me.

Plus…lets be honest.  I know, that knife was taken out on a day off, or maybe while out with the kids (Chinese kids are harsh in the playground….c’mon) but just ADMIT you took it.  I kinda get why people who go mad while interrogating some criminal suspect loses it (when they know someone is lying….)… you just want them to admit the truth. i.e.. “I took the knife out with my friends to demonstrate my karate/kung fu skills while working with my English/Iranian (obviously terrorist) family and accidentally killed someone, so I tossed it in Wan Chai, and its never to be seen again”. I would accept that.

But did I get an explanation?  Nope.  My Helpers response (No.2) “ Knife?  There was another knife? In that block? Really Madam… Are you sure your drunken eyes don’t deceive you?”

My response… “Yes, that bright pink knife with the Mickey Mouse motif (from Japan Homes...love that place), does not match all the black ones.  Did you take it out? Please just tell me so I can stop the stupid search.”  Helpers response (No.2, not favourite number.1… “No…maybe you lost it when you were drinking Maaam…”

In the last week, what have I been doing?  Aside from scratching my arse, irritating the Help/Kids/Husband/neighbours… Ive been looking for a knife.   A knife. We know its gone for good (no one but me seems to be searching for it,which is always a sign it’s buried in the backyard under the rose-bush (if you live in Sai Kung), where our neighbours dog continues to sniff)…. but I just need to know where it is.

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That is what my life has become.  I think I need to go back to work….

Yeh… right.

On a separate note, something has occurred in the last 2 weeks…Scratchy (Twin B…Bigger twin.Boy) has regressed with the potty training situation.  Has anyone else experienced this?

I am going out of my mind with the smell of shit.  I actually walk away from situations rather than lecture/talk/discuss in-depth as now, it just sounds stupid.  I don’t think my Son gets it.

For a start, I think he only speaks Filipino.  Seriously.  All my kids do.  Well, that, Farsi and bits of English.  Thank the Lord for help.  If I was home..I’d be losing the Mummy plot and probably (if I’m honest) screaming, about it after months of books/talks/potty training etc).  I mean, I have sat there…with a stupid arse book about a dog doing a shit in a toilet.  I also learned (myself yes, embarrassing) where shit goes.  I mean…. really….I need to being cooing and aching over this shit (literally)? Fuck off!!!!

I think, since I discovered having help (the twins were 8 months so I was used to doing everything alone…plus I had to look after The Captain too).  I know, because I’m sooo spoilt…I can’t even stomach the smell of vomit, bad runny shit and anything that looks like an angry bully of a Chinese kid in a playground (seriously… I HATE horrible kids. The piss me off).

Our Helpers here are like family.  We are so blessed.  Anyhow…. after a few in-depth conversations with my three-year olds (last resort), I assumed, everyone understood that crapping in our Pampers pull-ups was a huge “no-no”.

Apparently, my Son didn’t get the memo…and then chose to smirk whenever there was a “mishap“. Something that gets under my skin and makes me want to scream/punch a Smurf/shout at The Captain later. A smirk at the age of 3?  What the fuck is going to happen at 15?  Bring it on son, bring it on.

You have no idea who your parents used to be.  I alone was a fucking nightmare, the Captain?  There are stories going back to the 80’s which I can’t even print.  Our kids have NO IDEA who they are messing with.  The fools.

My Son has suddenly started shitting and pissing…well…everywhere.  I don’t even think he realises its about to happen until…well… you know “touching cloth” happens.  He then walks around like a Sumo wrestler waiting to take a dump.  We discovered him peeing the other day by our swimming pool (not private) but in a hedge none the less.  Apparently “Daddy said it was ok“.  The Captain denies all knowledge.  I pretended he wasn’t mine.

Anyhow…his sister… the smaller one…4lbs 9 oz … The one I always worried about. I still ALWAYS worry about because of her coughs and hospital visits for asthma related issues (2 visits in the past year, sleeping next to her cot, 4 or 5 days minimum, she can’t catch her breath)…. she’s fine with the whole potty situation.  I thought she would be the one to keep an eye on.

She’s now, going off, with an encyclopaedia (in Mandarin, written backwards) and screams she’s done a “big poo” so we can go get her for the joyful cleanup.  Our daughter now thinks that she needs to announce every dump, to everyone.

And because she has a huge bunch of Shirley Temple curls…everyone wants to help.  I’ve seen people run across public toilets to assist wiping my daughters arse.  Very disconcerting.  We explained to our little girl that this is not acceptable (no matter how adorable) in public, but she still insists on telling everyone when she takes a dump.  She told the Taxi driver recently after sunday brunch at The Hyatt that she’d done “a big poo”.  He smiled and said he would take us to “Kowloon”. I don’t even know how that translated to “Kowloon”, although..it is considered the “dark side”.  She continues to ask for stickers/chocolate/Vodka (so proud) whenever she’s done…

Her twin brother,  5lbs 12oz, first born, massive lips/ears.  I thought would be the quicker one due to size and my zero knowledge of kids. As it turns out…size doesn’t mean anything to, well, anyone.  In the last few months I’ve changed their cots to beds, taken diapers off altogether at nap times, treated them a little bit older ie. “Do you want Vodka or Whisky with your pre-dinner aperitifs?”  My daughter has blossomed and my Son has regressed.  My daughter insists on patting her twin brother on the head and telling him “Its time for poo before stories”.  I wanted to die from pride and regret, all at the same time.

Now I get my parents…slightly.  You can’t balance different people that easily.  If one twin is sooo bright, how can you not help but encourage them?  However, the other, is different (not slower, DIFFERENT) and they are watching, as I still do, even now as a grown woman, with 3 brothers (and I was never the favourite).  I don’t want them to think I love one more than the other, ever.  But at the age of 3, I know they already do think this.  Do we all have a favourite?  You are lying through your teeth if you say you don’t.  If you don’t, please share your wisdom.

Anyhow…lets go back to the potty situation….

After having a looooong chat with the kids about taking the bars off their hotbeds, going to the potty, bla fucking shoot me bla, they agreed to behave and stay in bed for their lunchtime naps. Until I got them out, around 3/4pm ish (or whenever “Happy Hour” at the clubhouse was over).

This is what happened in my Sons bedroom.

He literally opened every drawer he could reach and took everything out of his cupboards, shelves, bed. under his bed, under the floorboards (I’m sure, if we bothered to check)… you name it.

He was naked when we found him. NAKED. And, smirking.  The cheeky sod…*Photo below… of my Son (AKA “Satan’s”) room.

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What was my reaction after seeing his room??  I backed out, stifled my giggles (took a photo obviously)…and walked away.

If I was living back home in London, alone, without help…would my reaction have been the same?  Doubtful.  I think I would have gone fucking nuts because of the mess (he literally emptied every drawer). But…this was pretty funny…. I didn’t have to tidy up.  Thank fuck for Help.

Cheesy Chicken with Spinach Lasagna for kids

This dish is great for those stubborn kids (the little sods) who insist they don’t eat vegetables or chicken.  Not only does this ooooooze cheese but has veg hidden deep inside.

* Photo below is the end result after its been in the oven.  I started cutting it into quarters and then realised that I had to take a friggin photo. That’ll teach me to not drink while I cook. Yeh… right.

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Ingredients

  • 9 or 12x dried lasagna (depends if you want to do 3 or 4 layers) 
  • 70g of unsalted butter
  • 5x cloves of minced garlic
  • 1x large onion diced finely
  • 1/2 cup of all-purpose flour (sieved)
  • 1x teaspoon of kosher salt
  • 3-4 cups of Chicken stock (I use the organic low-sodium range)
  • 2x cups of Full Fat Milk, or Soya Milk if there is an issue with dairy (one of my kids met have soya)
  • 1 tablespoon of ground nutmeg plus additional to spindle on top of the lasagne before putting into the oven
  • 8x slices of mozzarella cheese (either ready cut into slices or buy a ball and chop up yourself)
  • 1x cup of grated parmesan
  • 1x teaspoon of dried parsley
  • 1x teaspoon of dried oregano
  • Half x teaspoon of Basil
  • Sprinkle of ground black pepper
  • 3 chicken breasts cooked for a maximum of 5 minutes and diced finely (you don’t want to over cook the chicken otherwise it’ll taste like rubber)
  • 1x bag of frozen spinach (500g)
  • 150g double cream
Directions
  • Preheat the oven (ALWAYS!) before you even start cooking a thing and definitely before you start drinking. Heat to 180 degrees C.
  • Melt butter in large saucepan over medium heat and cook the onion in the butter until tender.
  • Add the garlic and cook for approx 1-2 minutes more.
  • Add the spinach and keep cooking for another 4-5 minutes until soft.
  • Stir in flour and salt and simmer for another 3 minutes.
  • Mix in the chicken broth and milk.  Bring to a boil.  Keep stiring!
  • Stir in the Parmesan cheese.
  • Season with all the herbs, including ground nutmeg and black pepper.
  • Remove from heat and set aside.
  • Spread 1/3 of the sauce in the bottom of a baking dish.
  • Add 2x slices of mozzarella cheese, torn apart on top of each layer of pasta sauce.
  • Layer with 1/3 of the noodles, the cheese sauce and spindle the finely chopped chicken on top of each layer (sauce, lasagne sheet, more sauce, cheese, chicken… in that order).
  • Arrange 1/3 of the noodles over the chicken, layer with 1/3 of sauce.
  • Once layered 3 or 4 times, depending on how much pasta you want, add more pasta sauce to the top layer, sprinkle with parmesan, parsley and ground nutmeg.
  • Bake for approx 45 minutes.

* The cheesy Spinach sauce before layering onto pasta sheets.

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* The finely chopped chicken to sprinkle between every layer of lasagna.

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* The final result…

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* And one for the kids…

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END

Drink for Mummy – Triple vodka shot, with fresh orange juice and a dash of Ribena. Tastes fab, Minnie & Mickey approved, and no one will ever know you’re drinking on the job…

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Yummy Potato Pea cakes for the whole family

Now, if like me, you’re slightly obsessed with potatoes (fried, sautéed, mashed, latkes), then you should hopefully enjoy this recipe as much as my kids/Husband did.

I ate about 65 of these while making the damn things but they are sooo worth it.

Skill level: Even the laziest, stupidest, dumbest cook in the world should manage these yummy things.

Makes approx 20-25 cakes depending on how big you want them.

* Photo below is of the finished version.

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Ingredients

  • Big bag of frozen peas (500g). Take these out of the freezer before you start cooking so they defrost a little.
  • Garlic cloves x4 – minced.
  • 1/4 cup of all purpose flour (sieved).
  • Onion x1 – diced finely.
  • Vegetable oil – 1-2 tablespoons depending on how big or small your batch of pea cakes are.
  • Potatoes – 5x large King Edwards or whatever you can get your hands on, cut into cubes. This is to be mashed.
  • 1 cup of Gouda or cheddar cheese.  This is optional but made mine taste fabulous.
  • 3x large eggs.
  • 1 teaspoon of butter.
  • Dried or fresh parsley x half a teaspoon for dried, 1x teaspoon for fresh.

Directions

  • Put the potato cubes into boiling water (approx 4 cups of water) and cook until tender.  It should take around 15 minutes.
  • While this is cooking, put the butter in a separate frying pan and once it starts melting, add the diced onion and minced garlic. Cook until it all starts to turn a nice golden brown. Approx 6 minutes, then add the parsley and take off the heat.
  • Add the peas to the now soft potato and cook for an additional 5 minutes so it is all mixed together.
  • Add the cooked onion/garlic mix to the potato/pea mix.
  • I then pureed the whole lot with my handheld blender as my kids HATE peas (or anything that resembles a vegetable. Little do they know they eat them the whole time).
  • Once pureed (takes approx 1 min), I add the eggs, flour, 1 teaspoon of kosher salt, pinch of ground black pepper and mixed everything together.  If you want to add cheese, this is the time to add it to the mix!  If the mixture seems to soft, add a little more flour.
  • Wet your hands with some water and start making pea cakes, big or small (I made lots of small ones which were eaten in a millisecond). I lined a couple of big plates with baking paper and once the cakes were shaped, then could go into the pan.  Word to the wise, sprinkle a little bit of flour onto the baking paper first so the cakes don’t stick to it when you want to pick them up and cook them. If you have lots of cakes to cook, place one batch in the fridge while you cook the others.
  • Heat the oil in a large frying pan and start to cook the cakes over a medium heat. Remember to do it in batches so they don’t stick together. If you’re not a fan of vegetable oil, use coconut oil or anything else that works for you.  The pan has to be oily in order to fry the cakes. * See photo below.

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  • Cook for approx 5 minutes or until golden. When cooked, place on kitchen tissue to drain any excess oil.  Serve with Mustard mayonnaise (mayo mixed with a little bit of Dijon), Ketchup or any other sauce your kids like.

Voila!! Now go get yourself a big glass of Vodka you sexy bitch..

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Its been a while…

Yummy Yum Twin Mum.... in Hong Kong

Ok… so…its been a while since I wrote.IMG_1729

Why? Well… when you have THREE KIDS …its a pain in the vagina (literally).

Plus… zero thank you’s make me an angry woman.  I’ve been cooking, drinking, eating…judging… judging some more….. but… Im such a dumbass…Ive not logged anything.

I’ve had “three baby’itis”…. i.e.. I can’t do shit and all I want to do is sleep. SLEEEEEEEP.  Yes, I have help. Get the fuck over the Help situation people. I HAVE HELP AND I AM STILL FUCKING TIRED.  WHY??? WHY O WHY AM I STILL TIRED??? I AM SPOILT. I WANT TO SLEEP. I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEP. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE INVOLVES EXPLAINING, WHY, IM SOOOO FRIGGIN TIRED????

WE ARE MUMS AND WE ARE TIRED. YES… ok… we have Help…so we can’t open our mouths and moan as much…BUT…. we are tired!!!! IM TIRED!!!  its not…

View original post 1,307 more words

Its been a while…

Ok… so…its been a while since I wrote.IMG_1729

Why? Well… when you have THREE KIDS …its a pain in the vagina (literally).

Plus… zero thank you’s make me an angry woman.  I’ve been cooking, drinking, eating…judging… judging some more….. but… Im such a dumbass…Ive not logged anything.

I’ve had “three baby’itis”…. i.e.. I can’t do shit and all I want to do is sleep. SLEEEEEEEP.  Yes, I have help. Get the fuck over the Help situation people. I HAVE HELP AND I AM STILL FUCKING TIRED.  WHY??? WHY O WHY AM I STILL TIRED??? I AM SPOILT. I WANT TO SLEEP. I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEP. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE INVOLVES EXPLAINING, WHY, IM SOOOO FRIGGIN TIRED????

WE ARE MUMS AND WE ARE TIRED. YES… ok… we have Help…so we can’t open our mouths and moan as much…BUT…. we are tired!!!! IM TIRED!!!  its not like I can hand over my 2 month old baby to someone, and say “ok..Im off to bed”. Thats not how it works in my world. I hand over baby , then I watch what is going on, the SAME AS IF I WAS LIVING AT HOME WHATS different? We pay help here.  PLus, we abuse family at home and we don’t/shouldnt do that here. Legally anyway… people frown on that shit. I do.

I ‘ll tell you why I feel sooo bad every time I want to relax……Guilt.

I ring home and my conversation goes like this…

“I know I have HELP….but I’m soooo tired”.

Friend, “Oh, hon its sooo easy where you are, you spoilt bitch. Get over it. You over botoxed, wierdo.  I barely get to the bus-stop without my kids being difficult. You are soooo lucky and spoilt. SPOILT. Where IS your husband this evening?  Is he out AGAIN??!  You are such a whore!!”

Me..”But I’m soooo tired”

Friend….”But you have LIVE IN HELP…you are a spoilt whore who has no concept of reality. Get over yourself. Silly cow. I had to wake at 10am on Sunday to deal with my 18 year old son and his 15 year old crack addict girlfriend. My Mum was already in Wandsworth prison so it was I, dealing with my kids…. I went to prison on Sunday to collect them.  You are soooooo spoilt by being so easy with your kids and having help. Gosh. I couldn’t imagine having anyone in my house ever….. judging me. ” Oh FUCK OFF YOU JELOUS ARSEHOLE.

Me: “but, did I mention, Im sooooo tired… since I got home from Bali?  My villa had no live-in staff or anything.  I had ONE massage a DAY!! “

Friend: ” You are a fucking arsehole who has been indulged too much. Go fuck yourself. Darling.”

Friend again… “Do you not recall when you were a young student and ran out of toothpaste and asked me to loan you money, just so you could buy Tescos own brand?”

Me...”(a) It was CONDOMS not toothpaste and, (b) lending me 50p is not a huge hardship. What the fuck is wrong with you lately??”.

Friend…”Oh you have soooo changed since you arrived in Hong Kong. Like you’re better than us or something…”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?!  You are such a let down as a mate… “.

If you think that us “stay at home, lazy arse mo-fo-wanker-Mums-with Help” do fuck all…. you’re having a laugh.  Do you know how much GUILT is involved in leaving the kids, even for a 10 minute coffee trip to meet a friend?  I don’t even LIKE people.

BUT, I am sooo desperate to leave the house and be normal, I go for coffee.  I DONT EVEN FUCKING DRINK COFFEE. Im a tea person….OK…thats a lie…. I’m obviously a Vodka/Wine/Champagne person but thats not the point.

FYI CAPTAIN…. I DONT DRINK COFFEE.  Its been nearly 10 fucking years. I don’t have sugar and I don’t drink coffee. Yet, still… you ask me if I have sugar with my coffee. No sugar. No coffee. * Sorry….just needed the old balls and chain at home to get that tiny piece of information stored for future reference.

My recent conversations have included….Oh…”wheres your 9 month old baby boy?”  

My reply..” She a girl and she’s nearly 14 months”.

“Oh… how are ALLLLL your children?”

My response…”in the loving arms of my helper…who they now refer to as “Mum“.

If I was at home, the kids would refer to the help (Grandma) as “Satan”. But, no. Here I am a spoiled, manicured, idiot, who has 3 kids, 2 Helpers, 1 husband, a lover (yeh right…as if I have time.) and all I want to do…is fucking sleep. SLEEEEEEP.  Be alone. Read a friggin $80 magazine (seriously… why do the good magazines have to be sooooo bloody expensive here?  Yes, they are imported but its not like they’re flying First class for fucks sake).  Sit in a dark room with a Cosmopolitan, read a book/mag/watch porn… not talk to anyone about nappy rash/people/husbands/helpers/helpers doing our husbands…. and breathe….

Also, do I write about how much I HATE the bullshit that occurs at school when I collect the kids?  NOOO. Ok yes, sometimes.  Its sooo fucking boring, I would rather stick needles in a taxi drivers foreskin.  Do I write about how much I HATE being a Housewife that needs to explain what I do daily? NOOO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE.  Yes… I have lost the will to live.

I have …..BECOME MY MOTHER.

Do you know what?  Fuck It.

I LOVE being a parent (most days).  Yes, I have HELP here. SOOO WHAT?!?! I’m not going to be an idiot and say “Oh no I would rather do it all myself“, especially when we can actually afford Help here.  This is what living in HK is about.  If you want to judge, fuck off my site and go write about this shit somewhere else.

I arrived here… all…“oooh… its soooooo not me”…. and now…. if i could take back every stupid word I said, I would.  Life here is MADE for women, and  men.

I LOVE HONG KONG…put that on a bumper sticker.

I HATE parent chit chat at school (Im sooo bad.. no one even knows who my kids are… they are usually amazed that I have 3…) I HATE the MOTHERHOOD group.  I AM SHIT AT THIS. I am sooooo awkward….and far too sexy for this stupid group.

The convo at school collection goes like this…

“oh HI!…how are you?” (Mum to me….never the other way around. I actually act as If Im really busy on my phone, sending important texts to my Helpers about washing and food).

My response: “yeh…fine. the usual hangover day. you been working out or something?”

OH YESSSS (telling EVERYONE WHO IS ARRIVING AT THE DOOR IN CASE WE DONT HEAR THIS MUMMY)…”IVE BEEN DOING YOGA. I’m training to be an instructor.  Im also setting up a fine needle company where I import needles from other countries that you just can’t get here”.

My response…. “WOW” .…thinking…. “Get the fuck out my face crazy needle import lady. I just fell asleep while you were talking to me”…

How DARE these women who WORK OUT during school time… make ME feel bad because I GO HOME TO BED.  YES, I SLEEEEEEP people. I go home and instead of writing lists, emailing people, talking to the Captain, harassing my Helpers, negotiating stuff….I GO TO SLEEP.  IM SOOOO Tired.

These little people (the kids I mean), who are in our lives every day (with HELP!!!), exhaust me.  I feel guilty when I brush them off, I feel great when I do stuff, but mainly… I just want to sleep.  I want to sleep ALL the time!!!  Im a bad person without sleep.  I do bad things if Im tired like not speak, moan, drink, cry, and eat chocolate.  I love my kids…. but sleep…. we all need friggin sleep people.  I can’t explain how tired I am.

Thank fk for great Helpers here who act as are our Aunties and Mums at home.  Be kind and nice to them, like you are at home… and its all fine.  Im not here to moan about our Helping angels (much), but I am bloody, exhausted. And, I HAVE HELP!!!

Ok, Im off to sleep now. May have a bottle of red to ease me in…

ps. The photo of the bird on this post was from a stupid “sake” evening in Kyoto, Japan. Google trip advisor and look for my comments.  I was not very nice….

http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g298564-d2638005-r161050062-Yoramu-Kyoto_Kyoto_Prefecture_Kinki.html