Parenting…..the drunken/old fashioned way
Now as you Mums (ok & some Dads who get involved) know…. being a parent is fucking hard work. You need limitless energy to deal with the kids day in, day out… and somehow, remain sane.
This is why, I know for a FACT, that us Mums drink. You can’t do this every day sober. This is impossible my friends. I have tried the sober route and its just soooo incredibly painful that I swear the kids prefer me laughing and falling over furniture, than being miserable and looking bored shitless while they try to engage me in conversation. Plus I don’t mind them playing with knives, bouncing off our floor to ceiling windows, or jumping on our glass coffee table (as much) when I’m drunk.
Its unbelievably boring sometimes…. the routines, the school runs, the endless play dates, the driving to and fro to nowhere while planning my evening and when I can call my drug dealer to help erase some of the pain. The drugs here in HK by the way have taken a turn for the worse since I first arrived (not that they’ve been any good to begin with).
Not only are they expensive, BUT, you’re paying for asprin/baking soda disguised as coke. Very frustrating on a housewives salary when you discover you’ve been ripped off. Especially when you make the effort to turn up at a designated meeting place (in disguise), only to discover your drug dealer gave you a bag of shit. * DISCLAIMER. IF YOU WORK FOR ANY POLICE FORCE/SOMEONE WHO CAN ATTEMPT TO ARREST ME…. WHAT I SAY IS ALL A LIE. Its part of my artistic path to write about these things.
Anyhow… back to parenting. So there are also the boring parents evenings at the kids School which seem to take place every other week. They disguise these BTW, with “Wine & canapés (with candles to sex it up) while viewing your childs daily activities”….. zzzzzzz. Parent evenings for a two year old?!
I always make up excuses to avoid these…. I don’t need to see their paintings, pottery, glued together papier maches and stuff as (a) the teachers normally do these for them because they’re TWO years old, and (b) errr…. did I mention they’re not even 3?!, (c) they are my kids…. I see what they do every single day. Why the fuck am I going to attend a school meeting to be told how fabulous my twins are. I already know they’re the best looking/cleverest etc ones at the school.
What the fuck are teachers going to tell me that I don’t already know?
- Your sons picks his nose constantly and likes to pee in the fish tank (which is in Reception) while looking the Head Teacher straight in the eye and saying “Sum ting wong Ma’am?”
- Your daughter lines her toys up, repeats things constantly and has to have everything done immaculately just like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.
- Your kids like to make fun of the local Chinese kids and pull funny faces (dunno where they learnt that from).
- If they get into fights where someone has caused physical harm, Mummy said “If they bite/hit/punch, you bite/hit/punch back Mother fuckerrrrrrs!!!!” True but I still had to act concerned and … albeit a little surprised. Pride was in there somewhere though…. I was like “Yes!! Don’t let anyone bully you…”
- Your daughter keeps telling the Mandarin teacher, who has an issue with bodily odor and I suspect doesn’t wear deodorant, “Yu stin ki pu” before bursting into fits of giggles (again, not sure where they get this from but I find it utterly shocking). They now point out her moustache which I accidentally mentioned the last time I collected them from school (she’s got a big bushy one that a Gilette Razor will never chop through. That woman needs a proper barber shop razor/face lift. Apparently she’s only 23).
Nothing changes during these early years of parenting. Its not like you can say “Nope…sorry guys…. not today. Mummys hungover again. YES, AGAIN. NOW FUCK OFF AND STOP TRYING TO CUDDLE ME!!”
They also have these annoying magazines handed out to you at School which make you feel like some dick-head/lazy arse Mum… but you can’t help but read the damn thing anyway. Theres normally stories about how “tough” life is in Hong Kong, and other stories about some HK Mum (yes another one) who’s started up a small business selling “patchwork quilts… or Dildos” you just can’t get in Hong Kong.
The magazine itself is fine. The recipes inside, are pretty good actually. Its the annoying, self-gratifying Mums who are sometimes in there that irritate the shit out of me. And before you ask, NO, I still have no friends at the kids school BUT a shit load outside. Plus this is by CHOICE. EVERYONE wants to be my friend (I’m sure…if I was a little more approachable?!). I’d never be friends with those women at school (a) all French and (b) French. When I turn up to collect the twins, I’m all rock n roll (in my head clearly) Ive got to pretend I’m talking on my mobile, just to get out of an awkward playdate conversation with some Mum. It’s normally the Mum whose kid likes to use mine as punch bags during recess, or insists on pulling their pants down while they do show & tell. I fucking hate those kids.
Anyhow, I either pretend to be on the phone, OR, I ring The Captain who will say “Are you waiting to collect the kids at school again? Is that why you’re calling me so no one tries to make conversation?” My response? “Yes you wanker!!! I know you work 20 hour days and I have TWO staff at home BUT you try being a mother in Hong Kong. Its hard fucking work. I’ve got so many social obligations to get out of, its exhausting! You selfish bastard”.
Going back to my story… hangovers with the kids.
For a start that excuse is no longer viable as I’m forever hungover and when your Son says “Mummy’s having breakfast …. shhhhhhh” as I gulp down four extra strong paracetemol first thing in the morning …. you need to worry. He honestly thought tablets were my breakfast. He clearly didn’t notice the can of Red Bull my Helper had handed me before I did the school run. Then again, he saw one of the Helpers bras drying outside on the balcony and called that a “seat-belt”…. wise, or plain stupid? You decide.
Actually, paracetemol isn’t strong enough for my alcohol induced pain. I’ve started bulk buying Nurofen Plus in the UK (they don’t sell that here). NOW, that is a business some annoying Mum should set-up!! I’d be buying that weekly. Nurofen Plus has a calming valium-like quality which also gets rid of headaches and works wonders when you can’t sleep if slightly high. I LOVE IT. In fact, its my wallpaper on my iPhone (yes… over my kids and The Captain….none of which give me the lovely feeling Nurofen Plus does).
Recently, I had to go back to London and left all three kids with the two nannies, Dumb & Dumber…..oh, yes and of course, The Captain. FYI, he accidentally strangled our daughter with her bib last week during dinner time while fastening the horrid plastic thing around her neck …and taking a call on his iPhone at the same time. He didn’t notice her chocking despite her pleas/yelps that her bib was “Too tight Daddy!! Help!! Too tight!!”. It took me, with my Superhero hearing ears (I developed these when I gave birth to the twins), while sat on the loo having “quiet time”, 3 rooms away, to run and save her from chocking. The Captain? He didn’t even realise what the commotion was about… he was taking an important call (from his mate back home).
Anyhow, both Helpers are very sweet but I worried the whole time I was away as there are certain things these women do that drive me mad.
The main thing is giving the kids anything they want which I fucking hate …. “Chocolate for breakfast? Okey dokey Me make you now Sunshine boy! You want marshmallows for lunch? Ok, I go get now girlie”
” Want to wear your massive disco sized Princess dress from Halloween to the Playroom? Ok you look very sexy”. Who tells a two year old they look sexy by the way?! My Helper does and my daughter (Rainman) thinks this is a good thing.
They also LOVE carrying my kids around. Who wants to be carried everywhere despite possessing legs? Why do Helpers in Hong Kong insist on carrying kids everywhere?!
I’ve seen children as old as 15 being carried across the road by some poor, exhausted Helper while her Boss (usually Chinese) keeps prodding her with a stick to hurry up and walk quicker as the “child” pokes her constantly in the eyes or mouth. Yuk. Make your kids walk people!! Stop Helpers doing this “carrying” bullshit. It makes kids lazy and then, very, very annoying to me when I have to stop myself beating them in the playground for being horrible spoilt Hong Kong brats.
Anyhow, my two Domestic Helpers also have zero intelligence when it comes to safety in the home. Ie. my son was happily sticking a knife in a plug socket when I got home yesterday…. a plug socket that simply needs to be covered with those ugly white plastic things when they finish vacuuming/ironing/something domestic. BTW, the photo below is not from my house, nor is that my vile 1980’s tastic wall paper.
Even simple things like, putting those spongy door protection things on the door to stop doors closing and trapping fingers. This is simply too much for them to do. I will come home to find those half moon shape rubber sponge door protection things hanging on the bedroom door handle.
My Helper would say “Sorry Maaaam, I forget we put these on door. I thought it for toilet seat”.
The what??? WTF?! The kids also have those horrible toilet seats to stop them falling in when they go to the loo and of course this is also faaaar too much for my two Helpers to comprehend.
They keep placing these directly on the toilet bowl. You know… where your Husband pisses and never puts the fucking lid back down so you end up falling in at 3am in the dark, and find your thighs covered in piss. Lovely. So my son inevitably fell in the loo the other day as the seat was not secure. Ok, yes, I did laugh my head off but only because he was trapped (yes, I’m his Mother, judge me) and this was my one moment of joy for the whole day, seeing him stuck and unable to move/kick, but really!??! How dumb can you be? Or maybe they just want to piss me off?! Who knows.
The twins are almost 3 years old now and slowly becoming more interesting. Ok, thats harsh. I’m their Mum and I’m actually great at doing this (most of the time) but, this is not an easy job people. They talk, they play, they fight, they bite. They drive me mad. This role, that us stay at home Mums have (where other working Mums make you feel like free-loaders for not working), is hard work. I’m educated, over and above. I’m a fucking LAWYER by profession. Thats SEVEN years of work and study. Ok, I didn’t love it but I loved having/spending my own big fat salary. Now…. I’m a MUM.
M. U. M – AKA… Makes you mad (ok, a “Y’ instead of “U”).
As I take them to school every morning, hungover like a mother fucker, sunglasses permanently fixed on my face, a can of Red Bull in my cup holder….. all they want to do is sing songs and be cheery. If they weren’t my kids, I’d be like… “Get the fuck out my car you happy little, ungrateful, bastards. You’re doing my fucking head in”.
But alas, one cannot do this. So what does one do when they have to drive every day for an hour with two singing, sometimes screaming, kids? Play games, sing songs, try teach them the days of the week, colours, new words etc fucking etc.
Oh… the fucking joys of parenting. If only I had a driver….. I’d be pissed 24 hours a day.