Domestic Help…in Hong Kong (or anywhere)

So can I be honest without some left-wing (ok we’re not in the UK) party having a go about what I want to say?  Right now… I have two domestic staff working in my house (yes, how very posh of me) and one of them is doing my fucking head in.

This bird is soooo miserable that she moans all day/afternoon/night, doesn’t crack a smile at all (unless The Captains home) and tells my kids off (in front of me without even twitching an eye brow).

Yes… I’m “lucky” to have someone here to help me in my house.  In the UK, this would NEVER EVER be an option.  Why? Because it would cost an absolute fortune for a start. Plus, you’d get some pike from an unknown Estate in Scarborough who will rob you blind, beat your kids and shag your husband.  If you want to be “safe” in your home…hire OLD (plus 48), UGLY, hairy, women.  Even then, there are no guarantees if your husband turns a blind eye, when “drunk”, and mistakes one for you.  The fact he can mistake a hairy, old, ugly bird for you, is sign enough that there are issues within the marriage.

Yes.  I said it. Why the hell would you hire some young 20 something who walks around in cut off jean hot pants that show her thong, while serving your husband and kids breakfast… with a smile may I add?? While you, lay in bed… exhausted from doing fuck all.  My friend recently hired someone HOT (15 years her junior) as she considered them a reflection on herself.  Mad. The fact, I’m picking old, spinsters says it all about me then eh?!   Why the HELL would you want someone more attractive than you in your home?!?!  Men, are, men.  They are not God.  When I was pregnant with the twins… my hormones reacted like a mans do.  I wanted sex 24 hours a day.  I would have humped a bicycle if it gave me the eye. Apparently it was due to the male hormone in my body.  Jesus Mary & Joseph, if that’s the case…. us women are screwed because they (men) are walking around like this all the time (dogs full of sexual urges they can’t control).  It’s not their fault either…. shame.  Forgivable?  No. Of course not.

Anyhow… back to sleeping…. I’m tired the whole time. I now know why.  It’s because I’m not doing anything!!! I’m bored to fucking death.  I’m sooo bored, I now know how Queen Elizabeth feels…. she’s frigging knackered. All she does is have people wait on her day and night and I BET, all she wants is to be left alone in her palace for a few hours, so she can raid the wine cellars, call her mates without someone listening to her calls (Queen someone in Spain/Nicaragua) and shag Prince Philip on the floor in the stables without being caught (he tends to say some corkers which embarrass the Royals).  Plus she wants to manage her own kids without some Filipino telling her “oh no Maaam…. they don’t like that”. Since when do my kids not like me cuddling them, woman?!  WHO ARE YOU , TO HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME THAT?

Its annoying having someone in your home 24 hours a day. AND they think they know my kids better than me.  This is where I have now become a bitch. Yes…. A BITCH.  My face no longer smiles.  It barely smirks in her direction.  I’m fucking annoyed with her.  Who do you think you are?! Seriously?  And yet, the minute The Captain arrives home, there she is giggling away, nothings a problem. Yet, first thing in the midafternoon when I wake and ask for a simple cup of Earl Grey fucking tea, what do I get? Dishwater.  Not proper tea but shit , can’t be bothered tea.  I don’t let her make any food for me out of fear she’ll fuck it up. Plus, I’m a good cook.  I have some new recipes to put up but I’ve been preoccupied lately with my annoying Helper.

So… while the Captain is out at work… I’m busy, doing, nothing really but err.. “mothering” at home… with two women who also try to mother my kids in totally the wrong way (one shouts the whole time it makes me want to punch her, the others smothers).

One is particularly good to the point I may need to kill her and write it off as an accident.  She sings songs, reads stories, loves sitting on the floor and playing with them… has patience with every single thing they do (no matter how annoying).  She listens to everything they say and they LOVE her.  I love her too but because they LOVE her… I’m jealous… so I may need to discredit her somehow… still trying to decide how as she kinda resembles an old Saint.

The other (her Devil, lying niece) has zero tolerance (kinda like me) but as she’s employed by me, you’d think she’d try to hide it… a little.  Nope.  She shouts at the kids, has no idea what the fuck they want. Looks at the baby like she’s an Alien (she’s got 2 kids of her own BTW).  She has no idea. But she’s shrewd.  Unlike Saintly Helper 1, Helper 2 adds things on the shopping list for herself (“Oh sorry” she says, with a smirk).

She hates having me in the house, asking me “Will you be going back to work soon?”  My response “No fucking way”. It took me two years to have twins via IVF, and then number 3 showed up as a massive surprise…. Work?!  Why?  Would that make YOUR life easier if I wasn’t here?  So you could sit around all day, chatting in Filipino so my sons language skills are becoming more stunted (half English/Half Mandarin/mostly Filipino)…..

They hate me telling them “Only English!!” in the house when I’m there.  I dunno what they’re saying?!  They could be saying “Look at that cow just waking up from having 16 hours of sleep while we cook, clean, look after her kids. She doesn’t even smile”!  They are semi correct. I don’t give a shit. Why?  Because since I arrived in HK, I’m still semi-not loving it.  I’m half annoyed to be here but I know we’d be gutted to go back to freezing cold England.  I’ve just never settled here.  I need my friends. My family. Good air to keep my skin clear.

I’m also very fair, don’t let anyone take the piss and to be honest, when Number 2 isn’t here…lifes much easier. It always was.  I lived without help for the first 8 months of the twins life back in London (family BTW is not help…its hindrance).  I cooked, cleaned, washed, fed, shagged husband (see photo below) and did everything else.  I felt good about it too.

Here…. they’re kinda making me feel redundant.  Maybe I need to get rid of one.  The miserable one obviously.  But then…. I’ll never get to sleep or relax. Go to Pilates or have coffee mornings without a kid strapped to me.  Shit.

If we move home…. London….. I will literally be stuck doing what everyone else does…. looking after my kids full-time.  My Mum-in-law will end up moving in….she’s fun. I may need to keep her intoxicated though so it works for us both.

This is not an option…maybe I should go back to work?  Not much call for Middle Eastern Escorts in HK though…

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About Fruitlessbloom

Rock n Roll meets Martha Stewart (pre prison) ...on Red Bull

3 responses to “Domestic Help…in Hong Kong (or anywhere)”

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