Drinking & dieting…oh & potty training

Well, I’ve been thinking lately about going on some sort of health kick, like everyone else I know here in Hong Kong. There are so many annoying people jogging past me in the morning with those straps attached to their arms so they can listen to music, that it really bugs me. Especially as I’m in my car, eating a burger and screaming at the kids.

So… I decided, maybe quit drinking, eating crap and start exercising more just to try and reduce the impact all the years of drinking and partying have had on my skin and body.  I must stress that I’ve only been thinking about this…not actually doing it.  Yes I recently went to my first Pilates class after 7 months of zero exercise.  As a result, I almost fell off the Reformer (Pilates machine that looks like a torture rack) and was knackered within 10 minutes.  My whole body is now rigid with pain and I can’t bend over without moaning as my legs are friggin killing me.  I’ve literally rubbed Aloe Vera (good for sprains) all over my body…. and yet still… I am in agony.  A word to the wise… never let Aloe Vera touch your private parts unless you are prepared for a freezing cold and painful shock.

Anyhow, back to dieting.  Some people (actually A LOT of people), here in Hong Kong, have been doing the PCP diet AKA http://thepeakconditionproject.com/ which is a 90 day (YES NINETY) diet and health plan, that will make you lose weight.  During these 90 days, you have to work out daily, eat right (customized weekly diet) and generally be a miserable, boring git who can’t go out for a meal with friends.

Now in my opinion, after, 90 days, anyone could bloody lose weight if they worked out continuously (I mean, not just lie about it, actually do it) and eat a well balanced diet.  Also, of course you are going to start looking better because (a) you are not going out drinking, which leads to (b) going to bed at a reasonable hour and not carry on partying until 5am.  You’re getting your beauty sleep, dieting and not drinking alcohol.  How they are doing this diet is beyond me, but loads of people have done it and lost a shit load of weight.

After giving it a good long think about, I’ve decided… nope.  Not for me.  Daily workouts? Err…. when?  If I haven’t slept properly the night before because one of the kids isn’t well, where are I supposed to summon the energy for a gym workout?!  Plus gyms are so boring.  The minute I get in there, I want to leave.  Everyone always looks so smug in there too. Running on their machines, listening to their IPods, getting all toned and skinny.  Plus lets face it Mums/Dads… If I don’t get a good nights sleep, I cant function at all. I’m never going to sleep well again until all my kids leave home …. or end up in Prison.

As for not drinking for 90 WHOLE days/nights.  This is tres impossible for me.  I have tried to go for 5 WHOLE days without a drink recently… taking one day at a time and all of that stuff Alcoholic Anonymous spouts, but the truth is this.  IF one of the kids upsets me, or I’ve had a shitty day… where do I go?  Medicine cabinet for headache tablets? No.  Do I ring a friend or The Captain to complain? No.  I open the wine fridge and decide which bottle of wine I’m going to have while I vow to only drink 2 glasses (don’t EVER open the expensive one though… it’s not worth it for a bad day’s drink).  TWO bottles later… I’m happy and tired and called a number of people.  By the way, NEVER EVER DRINK & DIAL.  You will not recall the conversation and will usually get a concerned text or email from someone the next day, asking if you’re ok.  I’ve had this happen on a number of occasions and am thinking “Huh? I feel great?! What are they going on about? When did I call them?!” 

That’s another thing I’ve been experiencing lately…. severe memory loss.  According to our Doctor, its due to stress (thank fuck she didn’t say alcohol…. I’d be devastated). Therefore recently, the Captain and I will have done something and I will have no recollection of it. Zilch.  We apparently watched a Grey’s Anatomy (I’m into it big time) and the following night, I couldn’t understand why we had missed 2 whole episodes.  The Captain explained that we had in fact watched them and thought I was joking every time I asked questions about it.  It’s a good thing I haven’t forgotten having sex (yet), or the kids when it comes to picking them up from school.

So…. I’m also trying my hardest to potty train these cheeky monkies.  It’s just not happening.  They wait for approx 1 hour and after their poor little bums have turned red, sat on a potty (that sings & congratulates you when you do a shit) I think “let them go…its not happening”  I’m a bad woman for forcing them….and what do they do?  They do a massive poo in their nappy.  I feel like a failure.  I have demonstrated myself sat on the “big potty” (the shame as I’ve got shocking reactions to doing a poo), and yet…nothing is appearing in the potty.  My Mum (AKA… God), told me, “leave them with me for 3 days and they will be trained”.  She cracked after a day stating “your kids don’t listen to a word… whats wrong with them?”   Err… whats wrong with them? They belong to me… therefore are defiant and a pain in the arse.  I’m so proud.

Soooooo… at school, there are these very annoying people with their kids all “trained” and my two are, well, so NOT. I don’t care.  I peed the bed until I was around 5. Apparenlty it was due to stress… yes, at FIVE YEARS OLD.

How are you all getting on with this potty business? Especially with twins?  I dont want to push them…apparently it makes it worse and they will get stressed. So… now… slip a small shot of whisky in their milk and see what happens (joke obviously…childcare services HK).

As a parent… recently… I just feel like I keep failing. I feel guilty for shouting (more at myself than anyone else), I’m tired and can’t function, and therefore, I feel like, after IVF, I’m a bit of a crappy alcoholic letdown.  I thought I was going to be a good one… not some tired, exhausted Mum… the one I vowed never to be.   I love those monkies… so why am I so angry?  Here I am though… angry and exhausted.  Poor them.  Poor me…?

As for the diet… screw it…. I’m doing a new one.  The HK Wino diet. Yep… alcohol and no food.  I can hear it now…. all those websites defending teenagers screaming “why support drinking”?!  Stop setting a bad example”.

Firstly, they shouldn’t be on this site and secondly…. “because I Like it. Fuck off”.

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About Sharzad Hime-Michaels

A (40++) Punk “wannabe”. SW15 London born/bred, Kind (‘ish), Strict (normal) “parent“ of 3 children under 18 (twins included). Divorced. A great cook. Shockingly argumentative after 9pm on a Monday evening...

2 responses to “Drinking & dieting…oh & potty training”

  1. north face osito jacket says :

    Hello! I’ve been reading your website for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the great work!

  2. fruitlessbloom says :

    Apologies for the severe delay in responding but it now takes me forever to do anything. So, you allegedly trained your two in FOUR friggin mutha days?!! HOWWWWW?!?!??! I don’t even have the energy to wipe my own arse right now, let alone try another attempt at letting Itchy & Scratchy loose in the apartment, minus their nappies. PLUS, my son seems a little confused/unwilling to admit when he does a shit. It drives us mad. My daughter, now HOLDS IN, her poo. The minute I say “are you doing a poo?” she stops it mid track and sends it back into her body. She doesn’t want to go near the potty for long. I will however, try again next week. My Domestic staff are no bloody use at any of this shit… we’re lucky they don’t feed the kids Cheerios 24hrs a day. Our old nanny back in London was fucking amazing and had potty trained all her kids (she had 6…crazy bitch) by the time they were 1.5 as nappies were too expensive. Maybe I’ll wait until we go to Bali in August and get a Nanny over there to come and deal with the kids…. I’ll be too busy at the bar in any event! xx

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