I’m sad

Ok, so, I’ve been told to “curb my chat a little” as people will cotton on as to who I am, & I’ll probably never be invited to anything again.  Keep my mouth shut?  Tell the truth, but NOT too much.  

Ladies and Gents, really?! Do you want me to tell the truth as I see it (Lord forbid) or, keep quiet?  I haven’t got time to waste, living by anyones rules but my own.  I’m not going to live any way but my own.  If this is a problem for people, why?  Why can’t we be, who we really are?  Why can’t I open my door and say, “I can’t be arsed today mate, I’m tired.”  Why can’t i say, “I’m sad”, or “I’m lonely”.  This is not weakness but, for me, someone who doesn’t show their emotions too often, this is great.  

About 3 years ago, after my  Mum had a stroke, I had an epithany, when I decided, no more. No more making others happy over myself.  No more worrying what people thought about me.  No more being polite to people, which I have to say, I’m great at…I was raised very well.  But, no more, well, anything.  Do you know how liberating that is for someone like me?!  Raised to be a polite, quiet (unless spoken to), lady?!

You’re either in, or out.  That’s how it is for me.  I’m not ashamed of who I am.  I’m unreliable and yet very reliable at the same time.  I’m loyal, trustworthy and the kinda friend who turns up with a shovel, spade and a drive into the country…minus any questions (should you ever need it, but never judgemental).  I’m a good friend, a great wife, and above all, my aim… a wonderful Mum.  If I can steer my twins in the right direction, even a little bit (as no one ever gets it right), I’ll be happy.  

Today though… I’m sad.  My parents haven’t been feeling well, I miss my friends at home and, well, it’s not easy being an expat.  To me, personally, it feels like I’m creating a false world on a different Island. My husband is there, and yet at the moment, I’m still very lost.Very very alone. Empty sometimes.  How do those expats turn up all over the world and re-create a new life?!  

The truth is this.  I miss home.  I miss my amazing best girlfriends (their blokes are soo lucky to have these women), I miss being able to call someone who can bring me down to earth in a second.  In Hong Kong, you have no one.  It’s not real.  There’s no history.  I felt alone today for the first time in ages.  Ironically, I was surrounded by loads of new friends but, boy….. do i wanna go home now!

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About Sharzad Hime-Michaels

A (40++) Punk “wannabe”. SW15 London born/bred, Kind (‘ish), Strict (normal) “parent“ of 3 children under 18 (twins included). Divorced. A great cook. Shockingly argumentative after 9pm on a Monday evening...

2 responses to “I’m sad”

  1. MayaHK says :

    Love, love, LOVE your blog! Just discovered it recently, have read all the latest posts, and now am in stalker mode going through the archives. This post particularly resonates (although it’s almost two years old), because I still feel alone here despite being here for more than four years and having a bevy of friends. It’s just not the same as my friends in the UK or US, and I belong to neither of those countries so it’s not our “expated-ness” that’s the trouble, is it? HK is oddly different when it comes to meeting down to earth, genuine people. Not sure why. Anyway, keep writing. You’re hilarious, with large dollops of reality and a bit of batshit craziness thrown in. 🙂

    • fruitlessbloom says :

      Thanks for your comments & I’m glad you’re enjoying the site! HK is definitely a place full of highs & lows but in time, things have got easier (or maybe I’m just drinking more….) ps. “Batshit craziness”?! I think my Husband will definitely agree with you there 😉

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