Plastic Surgery, Tummy Tucks, Sex while pregnant

Last week I met a group of gals to discuss the pro’s and cons of Tummy tucks (as well as other surgery from boob jobs to Botox), for Mum’s of Multiples (or in my case…. TWINS!)

 

One Mum has just had a full tummy tuck with a scar that stretches from one side of her tummy to the other, and resembles, in my opinion, a smile (ironic too considering that’s what I’d be doing after such a fab piece of plastic surgery).

 

After nearly 6 weeks, she is fully recovered and unbelievably happy.  And so she should be, considering her tummy was stretched beyond belief during her pregnancy.  Both her Twins weighed well over 7.5 pounds!!! I mean…. fuck!!!  She could barely walk into the hospital when she gave birth.  She also had a 7 centimetre gap between her stomach muscles from where her body had been stretched so much.  When I spoke to her, she’d just bought her first bikini in 5 years and was bouncing off the walls with happiness (hell, I’m surprised she didn’t turn up wearing a bikini… I would have with those results).

 

Now, my twins were almost full-term at 38 weeks, which is apparently pretty impressive in the world of Multiple births as the norm can be anything from 32 weeks onwards.   Given my small size at the time, all and sundry expected me to go into very early labor.  This did not happen and I got progressively larger by the minute.   I was even putting on weight while I slept and at one point, I was convinced I must be sleep-walking into the fridge every night.  I mean, by the time I gave birth by elective C-section (like I was gonna even attempt that “naturally”…. what am I fucking stupid?!!) I was MASSIVE. I had gained FIVE STONE in weight.  FIVE STONE PEOPLE!??!

 

It’s no wonder the Captain didn’t want to have sex anymore … although I did try it on all the time like a teenage boy would. And I do mean, A LOT (no one tells you how horny pregnancy makes you, especially if you are carrying a boy, but apparently its their hormone in your body).   Which actually explains why they all walk around looking for sex the whole time… hmmmm…. I mean… in hindsight, I was like one giant penis trying to get laid at every opportunity.  It’s no wonder men wank constantly…  

 

Anyhow, back to being a huge obese pregnant woman, I was soo big, I had to have TWO epidural due to the amount of fluid in my body.  I couldn’t lie flat in bed either as I would faint from the pressure the kids put on my internal organs (even during hospital scans, I had to be almost upright towards the end, or I would faint).  I mean, twins, or more…. its hardcore from day one.  Even before they pop out, they’re giving you an insight into your new life.  One would be awake all night inside my tummy while the other slept during the day.

 

I would wear those headphones you can get while pregnant, at night to listen to them sometimes and I swear my son was building something with all the banging inside my tummy.  My daughter would start partying a little later…. hopefully something she wont continue to do as a teenager.  She already looks like me but, acting like me will be a nightmare… I was expelled from one school in London alone for “not working enough & having parties at my house”.   This was news to my Mum at the time when she met the Headmistress of my school “to discuss my options” …. I had to pretend the Head had dementia and had been gunning for me from day one (a complete lie of course but I couldn’t let my parents know that’s where all their booze was going from the “Drinks Cabinet”in their lounge, which BTW, had a lock on it!)

 

Anyhow, if I thought for one second I was going to attempt natural birth during my pregnancy …. I don’t think I would have been walking around as happy as I was (the Captain loved me preggars BTW as I was sober the whole time & couldn’t stand the smell of wine….)  And despite looking like a small elephant (who had eaten two children), I thoroughly enjoyed the whole pregnancy thing.  

That said, Itchy & Scratchy not only did a great job on stretching what used to be a washboard stomach you could literally bounce coins off (The Captain LOVED my tummy).  They also screwed up my hips (I was a very small size 6/8 UK), I had carpal tunnel in both hands/wrists (constant sensation of tingling which was horrible when trying to drive/cook), and the fucking headaches/migraines were a killer, especially when you can’t take anything more than a pointless paracetamol tablet (useless on someone like me in any event as I need the hard stuff).

 

NOW….aside from all that, its my stomach which is pissing me off.    I’m being kind to myself when I say it looks like an 80-year-old womans which I literally have to tuck into my knickers (or my new NBF’s, Spanx).    The skin has been stretched sooo much that despite losing all my baby weight in under 4 months (I’ll be honest, I was strict with myself and determined to shift 5 stone as quickly as possible as the weight was killing my knees & I was fed up wearing The Captains jeans… fucking depressing), this didn’t really do my skin any favours.  Slower weight loss equals better skin elasticity, apparently.

 

Also, despite hours in the gym (yaaaawn….unless there’s some sexy instructor to stare at) and now my obsession with Allegro Pilates in Stanley (I fucking love it and swear I gain weight the minute I stop), still this “envelope” of skin is sat there.   Staring at me…. Day after day…. after day.  Reminding me, never to show this bloody tummy off until, I too get a tummy tuck.  I also forget its there from time to time, as I was so used to having such a lovely stomach that now if I raise my arms up in the super market and my T-shirt lifts… I automatically pull my top down as the skin above my C-section scar is loose.   It looks horrible and I don’t want people seeing it.  Am I being vain??!  Yes of course, fucking of course!! I’m a bloody woman!!?   I mean, who doesn’t want a nice body?

 

Now, I’m still going to give myself a bit longer as the twins have only just turned 14 months and I’m determined to at least try to tighten this skin.  I’ve googled it all on the net and apparently, skin brushing and moisturising will help.   However, my local Doctor, who I used to consider lovely (she’s had five kids though, the crazy cow) told me, it wont ever go but its the price we pay to be “blessed” with kids.

“BLESSED”?! How is it that these celebs are losing weight super quick and no loose skin??  Yes, I know, pretty much all have a surgeon to do a few nip/tucks, but where’s the scars etc?  I’ve been watching that Kourtney Kardashian on E Hollywood and after just 3 months, she had lost the baby weight AND has a flat stomach.  She’s also wearing a bikini (bitch) which I used to love poncing around in when my tummy didn’t jiggle like flippin jelly in a wrinkly old leather handbag.

 

Soo….. any of you out there who have had recent surgery in Hong Kong, drop me a line and tell me how it went?   Who would you recommend etc?    Also, if you have had any great Botox guys too (I currently have a constant frown which is more due to the kids/Captain driving me nuts), I wants numbers please!?!

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About Fruitlessbloom

Rock n Roll meets Martha Stewart (pre prison) ...on Red Bull

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