Husband is away…. and yet, the cat can’t play

This last week…..The Captain (AKA “Love of my Life”) has been away for work.

Do I envisage lap dancing clubs and  escorts?   Yep.   Do I have to trust that not every man is an asshole?  Yep (but I have 3 brothers and one works in the “porn/escort” industry).  To trust someone you are married to, while they are away on “business” is difficult, if you are married to a complete and utter douche, who cheats, loves big tits (hey, dont they all really?) and basically is soo far away, you wonder if they are calling the concierge for that “special number” to get the “high-class escorts”.  It’s very difficult.  You never EVER know what your man is really up to. And that IS the truth.

So…. this has been weird.  I hate where I am and yet, I made a new friend. Someone “real”.  She knows I’m struggling here and she’s openly offering to help me settle in.  If I was a lesbo, she’d be no.1 on my hit list.  She also knows who she is as she now knows about this column…. damn!  I know you are reading this and I need to say a big thank you,, as I’ve felt very alone here, despite all my new “friends”.

The update is this….. The twins had their shots/jabs for 13 months.  Not yet MMR but the other ones which still scare the crap outta me, and they both look at me like I betrayed them (BTW…. the Dr was soo hitting on me it was creepy).  I then hosted dinner (I’ll put my Recipes on the other page) to a couple of lovely girls I dont know that well BUT….. I did something I would only EVER do if I was at home.

I opened the door drunk (FYI….I’m allergic to Sulphates in white wine…seriously).  If you dont know people and you cook allllll day, THEN open a door to your home hammered to strangers,…. well …… etiquette says, be sober.   I’m ashamed to say, I was drunk.  Drunk drunk drunk.  In London, my best friends would have taken over, laughed, and told me off later.  Here, it looks rude, sad, desperate, and in my personal opinion…. low.  Or now, in hindsight….lonely. I thought I was ok.  The shame…..  I also took painkillers for a swollen wrist which, now, when I think about it… was a bit of a hit (I actually got a bit fuzzy… & drank white wine… tsk tsk)

I’m tired ALL the time! ALL the time?!?! I mean…. really?! Is this normal?  I was a terrible insomniac and yet, when I had Itchy & Scratchy….all I wanna do is sleeeeeeeeep.  They make me soo tired all day. Running after them.  Feeding them. Bath time, dinner time, fun time, cry time, OMG time….. REALLY!!!!?? My Mum warned me but I thought its because she hated me when i was a teenager and was just trying to scare me.   Now…. i’m calling her in a far far FAAAR away place, begging her to come help me.  I’m mentally drained.  these kids. My twins (who BTW I LOVE)…. are making me sooo tired.  Do you remember, all those moons ago, when you would pop to a friends house to see their new baby?  After about 1 hour, you were ready to leave because it was all too much?  The crying, the feeding, the nappy changing, the exhausted look on your friends faces?!  I feel like that ALLLLLLL the time.  So…. now… when my Dad calls (I never did give him enough of my time…it was always about Mum), I’m like “Hi! I love you” You’re a fucking Saint for not killing me sooner!”

Also, I’ve found, all the women I’ve met who have kids…. they are trying to be EVERYTHING in the house/flat/studio/room.  They all try to cook/clean/look after baby/wake in the middle of the night/go to work/dance on a big toe if required….its bullshit!!!   Who is gonna give me my medal after all of this?!  I wake up alllllll night when one of the kids wakes. Last night = 1 am, my son, 3am… my son…4am….maybe my daughter (but usually my son) and then 4.40am (ish)….. my son.  By 7am…. I was ill with jetlag because I was on South African time (dont ask me how).

FOR NOTHING. He’s not hungry. He has a dummy (& yes, I dont give a flying monkeys what you say, give them the bloody dummy/pacifier if it fucking works). He/she has decided to torture me…. until they hit 80 years old (possibly 90 if the Acai Berry’s work). I can NOT sleep.  Now The Captain is away…. boy… after telling this poor git who funds our entire existence here that he’s irrelevant (I was a stupid dick… so shoot me, it was mid argument crap I threw at him for NO reason… he’s a good man)….. I miss my Man.  I want him home.  I can’t even put my toe on his side of the bed as it doesn’t feel right.  I woke this morning and The Captain’s side of the bed looked untouched.  What can I say?  I’m in love with my husband.

If you are reading this Captain…. I promise I’ll behave! Come home, my life is not a home (ever) if you are not here.  Isn’t it wonderful to discover, after 7 years together… that you are actually IN love with the man you married.   And I am. I always have been….. even when he pisses me off so much I could…… welll….. I could never harm him, so I guess…. I just withhold sex.  Yep… I’m a bitch.

ps. The kids are killing me.

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About Sharzad Hime-Michaels

A (40++) Punk “wannabe”. SW15 London born/bred, Kind (‘ish), Strict (normal) “parent“ of 3 children under 18 (twins included). Divorced. A great cook. Shockingly argumentative after 9pm on a Monday evening...

2 responses to “Husband is away…. and yet, the cat can’t play”

  1. Parental Parody says :

    Aargh. I totally want to tell you that it gets much better with the whole infant twins thing. It gets much better *ahem*. Not really. The little bastards – that, I too, love dearly – drain every inch of my being. They suck me dry. It’s just a shame the wine in my system isn’t sucked dry with the rest of my spirit and energy, because at least then they’d be happy/pacified.

    I also have the 5yr old smart mouth from hell. She gets it from me. You need daycare, or something – I live for the one single itty bitty day a week where the oldest is at school, and the twins are at daycare. Screw the fretting about their care – they are only there a few hours a week, and these people are qualified – and, get this – actually CHOOSE to spend their days around kids. Crazy bastards. So, in conclusion – my recommendation as a frazzled Mum of Miss5 the smart ass, and the 2 1/4 twin tornado – DAYCARE

    • fruitlessbloom says :

      Parental Parody… My darling gal…

      You and I clearly need to go on holiday together…. AND GET FUCKING OBLITERATED on Mojitos, white wine and possibly a 20 yr old Scuba Instructor. Although lets be honest ….. we’ll both be tucked up in bed fast asleep by 6pm. ps. I’m currently looking into Boarding School at the moment (not for the kids…. for me, although they now call it “The Priory/Rehab”).

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