Men… Why can’t they find anything?!

So …… The Captain was off on yet another business trip …… yes, probably filled with Escorts, endless Hotel Porn & Lap dancing clubs… “for the clients of course” and could he find anything to pack for his trip? No.  

He claims he looks for the missing items (usually shoes, sun glasses, Iphone, Blackberry, condoms….) which could be anywhere and yet, I have no idea how he conducts his searches.  Our apartment is not huge, therefore, there is usually one of three places his things will be.  Either in his cupboard (yes, I do tidy stuff away otherwise he would leave it there for weeks until there was a mountain of clothes you would have to climb over in order to escape the room), it would be next to the bed, or on the floor…. where he tends to leave everything.  This drives me craaaaazy as I am a tidy person who likes to put things away so that I can find them later.

Last night as The Captain packed, and tutted to himself, furious he had to do this before a long and arduous business trip.  Our poor Domestic Goddess was on hand to assist him as he simply could not find anything, and I mean, anything!  He actually tries very hard to engage me in his searches for things he’s lost but at 11pm, I had no interest. Plus I knew it was probably on the floor.

So what happens, he gets our Domestic Goddess to assist him in finding a bag to use for the flight.  He said he searched all over the flat, so, where did she find it!?   On the floor where he was packing…. by his feet, not even under anything.  

Now before you all wonder why I am being harsh on the old Captain, I have to say that after a number of years together, my patience at him losing everything (seriously anything from cameras …. including our honeymoon photos, to glasses, clothes, flip flops etc), I cant be arsed to play the game where I need to go and help him, especially when I know its probably right in front of him.

My husband is incapable of finding things with ease.  He’s also incapable of shutting lids firmly (everything dries out), putting down toilet seats (I stuck notes to the lid of the loo in order to train him to shut it as I almost always fall in during the middle of the night), taking a cup back to the kitchen after he’s done using it, leaving wet towels on the bed (that pisses me off big time as its usually on my side), leaving cupboard drawers/doors open so that I knock my shins (I was holding out 2 week old Son when I walked into the kitchen and always flew over an open draw).  He clearly needs some Home Economic classes… do you remember those? With the upside down Pineapple Cakes that tasted of pure sugar, the diagrams of a kitchen with massive crosses on open doors, kettles with long cords hanging off the work surface etc?!   Basically, I’ve come to realise, that I have in fact married my Fathers long lost (and much younger) Twin.

And its not just The Captain with this incredible tunnel vision when trying to find something in the home. Many an ex-boyfriend, and even friend’s partners, does the same thing.  They lose everything and try to engage their partners on the search, while moaning non-stop that’s it your fault that you cleaned up. The item in question is usually where you said it would be. By the bed, on the floor, or in his cupboard.   So, is your man this useless too?!  If so, have you started taking Valiums like me, or are you leaving notes all over the house to help him think before asking you where the Milk is? 


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About Sharzad Hime-Michaels

A (40++) Punk “wannabe”. SW15 London born/bred, Kind (‘ish), Strict (normal) “parent“ of 3 children under 18 (twins included). Divorced. A great cook. Shockingly argumentative after 9pm on a Monday evening...

2 responses to “Men… Why can’t they find anything?!”

  1. Pure-Rest says :

    I’m glad that I’ve found this web site. Aw, this is a really quality post. In theory I’d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I loiter alot and never seem to get something done.

    • fruitlessbloom says :

      Hi Pure-Rest, enjoy and thanks for the comments. I have to admit this only gets done when the kids are playing in the streets, although I have been strict & told them to avoid cars … they dont seem to listen but what can you do eh? ps. stay in touch via Twitter too!

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