Archive | March 2011

Helpers….should they be smaking children?!

So today while I was mid convenience shop…. what did I see, but a cheeky 4/5 year old (I can only guesstimate…) being cheeky and moving yogurt around as staff stacked the shelves in my local market in repulse Bay. What does his nanny/helper do? She slaps him (hard) on the head with a box of Cheerios. Then she caught me looking at her and walked away. At the tills while I’m paying, she turns around (in front of everyone) and hits him sooo hard on his arse for grabbing a box of g-d knows what that was on special, and she catches my eye again. This time, I had to say “I know your face and I NEVER forget a face”. Not one person, in four queues breathed …. I mean…. if his mother was there this shit would not be happening.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have cameras in my house. I check them every so often when I leave.  I have small babies who can’t say “that fkin bitch slapped me” or” she gave me a pinch when no one was watching”. Not because Im in Hong Kong and I’m some privileged snob (the opposite…we are skint and this place is fkin expensive).  

When we lived in the UK, we did the same. Why be stupid? These are our children!  If I left a million pounds on my coffee table, I would guard that with my life. my kids have no money on their heads because they are invaluable.  I wanted to hit this silly fkin bitch today.  She’s hurting/being mean to that child and I can say that but how do you stop and scream in front of a whole supermarket at some dickhead who clearly does not give a shit who sees her?  There were loads of people who witnessed it…and yet no one but me (with my stupid dumbarsed words) said something.  Im really fkd off today.  Again…  I didn’t step up to the plate.   if his Mum was there, she wouldn’t have done it. That’s bad enough for me.  If that was my child, I would have killed her. Being mean and spiteful is very different to “losing it”.  She saw my face, felt a tiny bit of shame for being caught, then did it again. He didnt even react which means (in my eyes) she does it often. Bitch.

Banoffee Pie

Does ANYONE know where I can buy Carnation Milk Caramel to make Banoffee Pie?  I tried boiling the plain Carnation milk tins and got through about 5 without any luck of caramel forming. Help!

Where can I buy minced lamb in Hong Kong?

Does anyone know where I can purchase minced lamb? They have minced pork, beef and chicken but NO lamb anywhere and the butchers at Taste Supermarket in Stanley dont seem to happy about mincing anything!  Any suggestions?  Would Ap Lei Chau’s Pacific Gourmet have it?  Please let me know!!

Batiste dry Shampoo…. where can I buy this in Hong Kong??

Can anyone tell me where I can buy some Batiste Dry Shampoo??? I’ve been to Watsons, Mannings, Taste Supermarket and NO WHERE has it. Ebay is selling it for £8.70 a can?!? Cheeky fuckers. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I never have time to wash my hair (hey…dont judge… I have 13 month old twins)

Met another “ex-pat wife” ….. with serious issues

 So…this evening, I met someone more bitter than me (can you even imagine that?!) for dinner in a well know Bar in Central Hong Kong.  The Captain is very keen for me to make new friends on this weird soulless Island (or “desert”as I now call it) and introduced me to someone he thought I would get on with (although he now swears blind it wasnt her he was talking about).  For some reason anyone who is remotely “ethnic” is someone i may get on with because I’m one of those people who marks the “other” box for the “Ethnic Origin” surveys.

Now, im not sure, but until today, I realised…. he doesn’t know who I really am!  i mean, i go to dinner with The Captain, his client and his clients wife and I ended up meeting someone soo fucking depressed, cold, down on Hong Kong (& her husband who she kept belittling throughout the entire meal that I almost stabbed her with my chopstick).

I looked at The Captain at the end of the evening and i said….“why in the fucking world did you think i would be friends with her?!?”  Does my husband know me at all?  Really?  I’m actually brilliant fucking fun … and I’m not just saying that!!   I’m even quite funny, despite fucking swearing a shit load.

On a positive, I may be going back to the UK in the summer for a catch up/booze up with everyone and to escape Hong Kong during the incredibly humid months (which I’ve not yet experienced).

An additional positive is that I am actually starting to enjoy it here. I’ve met some lovely girls (some who are just as fucking nuts as me, some who aren’t) and its all going ok.  My 13 month old twin daughter started walking last week too…. so…. I kinda feel like a fucking genius on her behalf.  My son is still eating his feet though…. but the window licking, I’m proud to say, ended months ago.  

Kids food… twins now 13 months

If like my twins, yours are having trouble swallowing anything bigger than a grain of salt, try the following recipe…

Pumpkin pureed with carrots, mix in multigrain organic cereal (about 3 tbsp for twins), pureed apple (approx 3 tbsp), organic full fat milk (2 tbsp) and a sprinkling of full fat organic grated cheese.  Tastes sweet and they shovel it down!

Working Mum, or not….? Why are women so judgemental?

While pushing past all the designer hand bags in Hong Kong held by very well preserved, perfectly manicured ladies, usually with huge tits and size 2 waists, … no offence (but I’m sure I just caused it), you do start wondering….. how do these women afford these?!  Plus, who is doing their Botox and facials?

How the hell are they or their husbands paying for these bags, and what are they doing to get them?!   I have noticed sooo many women having spa treatments (hey mine was a birthday gift from my best friend in the UK)…bloody lovely at the Spa in Repulse Bay.  It was great checking into what I can only describe as the Crazy Bear in London but as a Spa place. Stunning furnishings and a row of pedicure spots that look out onto the courtyard which has lounge chairs.

You are offered beverages and unlimited magazines, which is great for someone like me who no longer has time to read fuck all without interruption.  As I started to relax and enjoy the calmness of my spa treatment … a gaggle of loud Aussie Birds (before you kick off…I love Aussies, but you are loud…fact) arrived.

I sat there trying to read my American Ok Weekly (the trash in those is just excellent) and what disturbed me was this group of women shouting their conversation.  WHY did the whole salon need to hear about someone taking a sexology class (my ears did prick up at this conversation, as did the only bloke there, who as it turns out is not gay)?!

These women (5 in total) rattled on about sex, who was going to do a Masters “because they were bored” and whose divorce has just come through… although she is still living in his House in The Peak with a pool overlooking the city.  These sorts of conversations would make me feel like an utter cock.  I mean….. really??!  A Masters degree because you felt bored??!  How are you fucking bored luv?  We have so many hours in the day to do something.  If you don’t have kids, GET  A JOB.  If you do but are not ready, do something else like spend time with your children, don’t rely on the helper to be everything because, you are meant to run the house, not her.  She is there to Help me, not be my slave.

Ive been stuck in a dilemma since I arrived on this Island of opportunity and decent weather (compared to shitty London).  I have realised that we sold our soul to the devil to come here. We had not choice as there was no work in London and our dear home, that we had built for months and months, is being rented to a family who I am positive, is not looking after it as we would wish.

I realise that one day, in maybe the next 5 years or so, we may return to London.  I would love to because what I have come to understand, is that with or without the spoils of life, the fast cars (we sold ours the minute the twins were coming, despite my husband holding onto the roof while the new owner drove it away… heartbreaking), the fab holidays, the gorgeous house. It all means shit, if you are unhappy.

You can be, as I m right this moment, in a gorgeous place overlooking the sea.  And yet, I miss home. The shit weather, the high tax, congestion charge, gang fights from the local estates ….. but most of all, I miss my life there.  My home was always where my family and friends are.  I could live anywhere, but without them, I feel redundant.

This is what has made Hong Kong so hard for me.  I don’t want to be another gweilo (white ghost and what I find a derogatory term for ex-pats).  Where can I meet someone (a girlfriend…withouht the lesbo connotations) who gives a damn about me (and me for them) right away?  History with your old friends at home, the old stories we still tell each other and laugh about (I have one where my best mate is trying to pull me off the floor of a random flat in Ealing and i laughed soooo much… I wet myself).  You cant buy that shit.  These are the same women/girls at my hen do, who knew I couldn’t do shots without puking and understood what I’m about. Love that!!

Now there is a certain snobbery surrounding the ex-pat wives….. usually by other women, and those women who work are the worst.  It’s like you are worthless.   The way women talk about the stay at home mums pisses me off. Why? Well, you have those women, you know the ones (I used to be one), with the career, AND the baby. How are they doing it all?!  Why would they choose to do it all?!  I have a Mum like that. She works non-stop (even now), rushes home, cleans, cooks dinner (no cleaner or anything!) and does she get ANY kind of thanks? Nope (she hates everyone for it too).   And although she says she doesn’t mind, she is very happy to escape when she visits here.  I pick up after her, I make her tea, I do all the small things us Mums wish someone would do for us.

Now…. it took me two whole years to fall pregnant with Itchy & Scratch. Why the HELL do I want to go back to work?!   Why am I bullied into going back to work by my own sisterhood?!  It pisses me off.  I dont want to work. I hate it. I have had a shit job since I was twelve years old. Yes, Twelve. In a salon washing hair. I used to get tips of 50p (cheap bastards). 50p!!! I made conversation, gave head massages, talked about the weather… but still… 50p.  Now going back to work is bullshit for me.

A) I hated fucking work. It was shit. Full of politics and back stabbing by women (yes, us women who pretend we are friends and then screw each other secretly).  Especially my last job where every woman was as sneaky and corrupt as the last.

B) I hated work!!!! I hated my profession. I hated the salesy assholes who I worked with (& they hated me too). It was shit. The more they pushed me to make a sale, the more I hated them. Assholes. And normally woman.

Now… yes, Im a woman.   But why do we have to be soo fucking awful to each other?? Why? I had a boss who threw (and Im being dead honest here) VIDEOS as my head while trying to find something.  SHE THREW VIDEOS AT MY HEAD!  Cheeky bitch.  I was so young and desperate to finish my traineeship (as a dumbass Lawyer) that I stuck it out and kept my shy mouth shut.  Why has no one started a blog about assholes we work for?!!   Name and shame them!!  My job as a young trainee, was horrendous and it was thanks to this silly, mean, racist (she had some choice words for me) cow of a lawyer (based in a firm in Dartford, UK) who did that to me.

So…. Im not going back to work (yet).  I like being at home. Cooking dinner for the Captain, looking after the Twins, running the day-to-day crap that flows my way.  This in itself IS a job. I take pride in it.  Im not ashamed to be some nob who likes to stay at home after working for every company from a hair salon, to a Chef de Rang at Richmond Hill Hotel, Surrey…where I got to cook food AT the table and flambe as my piece de resistance (I did once catch fire to a customers newspapers).  I also got handed a number of hotel room keys, which at the age of 17 years old (and a body that rocked…especillay my bum…Kylie Minogue Style), I could have shagged at lest 5 punters every night. But I didn’t.  As my Shrink says, ” you know your own worth”.  That didn’t appear over night.  The pain of heart-break from the good and bad guys led me, onto a path, where I did not give a shit anymore.  Been there, done that and shagged it to.

Nothing prepared me for The Captain (AKA, The Love of my Life, my husband and my lover”)  I hated him on first sight.  Any idiot man who insists on mentioning their ex girlfriend to you on their first date, and telling me how gorgeous she was, is a MASSIVE dick in my book.  Why the fuck are you here mate, wasting my precious time!??   I have slept with the strong, the old, the young (never again…they are the worst), the experienced and the downright, experimental (my personal faves as they are usually mentally unhinged and tend to have a certain obsession after the deed).  I wanted and prayed (ok my highly religious Grandma prayed) for someone as kind, understanding, funny and loving as me.  Her last words ever spoken to me (aside from ‘Tell your Mum to stop bloody smoking!”), were ” Keep smiling, everything will happen when its meant to”.

There is loads to do!!  Do I want my own cash? Yes of course, fucking, of course….. but, I also like that I am here to see when the twins wake up and who takes their first step.  There is a shit load going on at home. I’m not sat in front of the telly all day eating biscuits.  This IS a job.  I should be paid for it, and as long as the Captain is happy too (lets face it, hes paying for all the shit in our flat), I’m happy.  Happy wife, Happy life (a saying Ive heard a few times now in Hong Kong).

I also recently read, “Not Enough”, about an American ex pat living in Hong Kong, who kills her husband and trys to hide it so she can be with her lover.  The Captain gave it to me for Valentines day, although I did point out the symbolism of the book.   An American wife, kills her hubby because she wants to return to the USA and has found a lover.  Her hubby tries to “fix” the relationship but sounds so unhinged, that killing him was her only option.  I read this book in two days. I am mystified by how someone, ANYONE, could do this to the father of their three children.  As much as the Captain pisses me off, hammering his skull with a statue until I cracked it open, and then sleeping with his dead body for two days…well, its a little, erm, disturbing. Yes, I hate Hong Kong, but not enough to harm my hubby!   I love him.  She was apparently infuriated by her Husbands queries on her spending and her lack of being a Mum to the kids, now she had two helpers to look after them.  I buy food in Taste Supermarket in Stanley and only spend money on the kids. The Captain get s annoyed as I give a weekly run down of my expense and did I once buy a cheeky pair of shoes?! Nope. He wouldn’t have minded but I spend our money as I would had it been just me, minus the whole brood.

I love being in love with my great Husband, who is considerate, arrogant at times and yet unbelievably childlike (not childish … massive difference), that anything we do, will hopefully continue to work…. in Hong Kong, the “graveyard for Marriages”. Why? Men push ahead in their careers and flourish and women, whoever we were before China, it doesn’t seem to matter.  So, what do we do, to count as much as our Husbands?  It’s all in our heads really. Hold it up high and remember who you were and are someone too.

You are the Matriarch who runs the whole house. Nothing functions without you.  Just remember to take over from the helper from time to time. Ive found myself going for a nap here or there (no reason…just sleepy as I dont sleep at night very well) but I dont ever want my children to call our helper anything other than by their name.  I’m terrified they will call her Mum!!  My daughters first words were my first name!!  Not Mum. My actual name. My Mum later pointed out that I call her by her name, I rarely call her Mum, unless Im trying to borrow Money, jewellery or grab a simple cuddle.  This is very scarce in my house as my kids are smothered in discipline and cuddles…. until they bring their first class B or C drug home… in which case I’ll promptly confiscate it, and smoke it later… with plenty of blowbacks to the Hubby.  If it’s a Class A, we will be forced to find out who is the dealer…. and make friends with him immediately.

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Men… Why can’t they find anything?!

So …… The Captain was off on yet another business trip …… yes, probably filled with Escorts, endless Hotel Porn & Lap dancing clubs… “for the clients of course” and could he find anything to pack for his trip? No.  

He claims he looks for the missing items (usually shoes, sun glasses, Iphone, Blackberry, condoms….) which could be anywhere and yet, I have no idea how he conducts his searches.  Our apartment is not huge, therefore, there is usually one of three places his things will be.  Either in his cupboard (yes, I do tidy stuff away otherwise he would leave it there for weeks until there was a mountain of clothes you would have to climb over in order to escape the room), it would be next to the bed, or on the floor…. where he tends to leave everything.  This drives me craaaaazy as I am a tidy person who likes to put things away so that I can find them later.

Last night as The Captain packed, and tutted to himself, furious he had to do this before a long and arduous business trip.  Our poor Domestic Goddess was on hand to assist him as he simply could not find anything, and I mean, anything!  He actually tries very hard to engage me in his searches for things he’s lost but at 11pm, I had no interest. Plus I knew it was probably on the floor.

So what happens, he gets our Domestic Goddess to assist him in finding a bag to use for the flight.  He said he searched all over the flat, so, where did she find it!?   On the floor where he was packing…. by his feet, not even under anything.  

Now before you all wonder why I am being harsh on the old Captain, I have to say that after a number of years together, my patience at him losing everything (seriously anything from cameras …. including our honeymoon photos, to glasses, clothes, flip flops etc), I cant be arsed to play the game where I need to go and help him, especially when I know its probably right in front of him.

My husband is incapable of finding things with ease.  He’s also incapable of shutting lids firmly (everything dries out), putting down toilet seats (I stuck notes to the lid of the loo in order to train him to shut it as I almost always fall in during the middle of the night), taking a cup back to the kitchen after he’s done using it, leaving wet towels on the bed (that pisses me off big time as its usually on my side), leaving cupboard drawers/doors open so that I knock my shins (I was holding out 2 week old Son when I walked into the kitchen and always flew over an open draw).  He clearly needs some Home Economic classes… do you remember those? With the upside down Pineapple Cakes that tasted of pure sugar, the diagrams of a kitchen with massive crosses on open doors, kettles with long cords hanging off the work surface etc?!   Basically, I’ve come to realise, that I have in fact married my Fathers long lost (and much younger) Twin.

And its not just The Captain with this incredible tunnel vision when trying to find something in the home. Many an ex-boyfriend, and even friend’s partners, does the same thing.  They lose everything and try to engage their partners on the search, while moaning non-stop that’s it your fault that you cleaned up. The item in question is usually where you said it would be. By the bed, on the floor, or in his cupboard.   So, is your man this useless too?!  If so, have you started taking Valiums like me, or are you leaving notes all over the house to help him think before asking you where the Milk is? 


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Sunday brunch in Hong Kong…

For those people who live in Hong Kong, Sunday brunch is a big deal…. or maybe just us (massive foodies). If you are married to someone as unbelievably organized as my Husband, you will discover all the best places within a few weeks of living in Hong Kong.  I don’t just mean lunch but Dinner is a different post altogether!


We did a huge Sunday lunch in Hong Kong last week, which involved a massive buffet meal and unlimited alcohol (usually cheapish wine, or Kir Royals…. one of my personal faves). Most 5 star Hotels in Hong Kong as well as some restaurants have fantastic buffet lunches which include, lobsters, steak, shrimp, Sushi…the list is endless.

If you want to pick your favorite lunches I suggest doing some research. My personal best include the following: –

Veranda – Stunning location in Repulse Bay and equally lovely food.  Its pretty high end (some dishes are bull market) but worth it for a lovely Peninsula style night.  You do need to book AT LEAST a month in advance to get a good tale for an evening meal. Brunch there also has a live jazz band, which just adds to the ambience.  2/F, 109 Repulse Bay Road, Repulse Bay, Hong Kong, China+852 22922822 |


Nicholini’s  “Uniquely designed and enjoying a privileged position on Level 8, Nicholini’s is Conrad Hong Kong’s signature restaurant and specializes in Northern Italian cuisine and delicious homemade pastas. Nicholini’s has been voted “Hong Kong’s Best Restaurant” by Hong Kong Tatler for the last 18 consecutive years, and is renowned for angel hair pasta with Maine lobster, fresh tomatoes, grilled veal with Morel mushrooms and sage potato sauce. Nicholini’s was acknowledged with Four Michelin Forks, the highest number received by an Italian restaurant in Hong Kong.”     Conrad Hotel – Pacific Place, 88 Queensway, Hong Kong | Tel: 852-2521-3838


The Grant HyattGreat fun and relaxed Sunday Brunch by the pool.  I overdosed on Lobster and shrimp here. There were lots of families, groups of friends and couples just having a casual and incredibly enjoyable lunch last Sunday.  We were almost tempted to take the kids with us next time, although their nap time is when we eat and they go into melt down if they don’t sleep during the day. Great fun though!! Tel:+852 2584 7722


Jumbo (great views) – Floating Restaurant ….as in, on a boat.  “The Jumbo Kingdom is an important member of Melco’s Leisure & Entertainment unit. Centred on the Jumbo and Tai Pak Floating Restaurants in Aberdeen Harbour, it is an internationally renowned tourist attraction. As a Hong Kong icon and a premier tourism and fine-dining establishment, Jumbo has regularly been upgraded over the past 30 years. Jumbo recently had a multi-million dollar refurbishment, which not only gave the Jumbo a new look, but also transformed it into a theme park on the sea. Jumbo Kingdom is now a modern complex of dining, sightseeing and cultural attractions – a required stop in any tour of Hong Kong.  Shum Wan Pier Drive, Wong Chuk Hang, Aberdeen, Hong Kong. Tel: (852) 2553-9111.


Isola – “Internationally renowned for its chic interiors, spectacular views of Hong Kong’s Harbour, superb cuisine, and hip crowd, ISOLA bar+grill is a stylish open concept Italian restaurant with large outdoor dining terrace.

Prepared in open copper kitchens that show the chefs in action, thin-crust pizzas, homemade pastas, and selections from the grill are as much a signature here as the wine list of over 200 well chosen old and new world wines.”  Shop 3071-75, Level 3, ifc mall, Central, Hong Kong.

I’m still hung-over today.  You can’t go out and party like you used to. Especially when you have to deal with two small infants who need constant care and attention…. Not to mention my husband who also needs me 24 hours a day.


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