Soooo…..Having arrived in Hong Kong in September 2010 and after a few months of writing home, London that is, I decided to blog.  Why? I’m not working and to be honest, it’s this or drinking during the afternoon.  Apparently a very “classic ex-pat wife thing” to do.  I of course, tested that theory, and yes, you can easily consume 4 bottles of red, white & Rose wine in an afternoon if you put your mind to it. Especially while unpacking your entire life which is spread out in front of you in a mound of cardboard boxes.

I have two gorgeous babies, Itchy and Scratchy, (ok clearly not their real names but if I suddenly become famous, we need to protect their identities….unless of course OK magazine want a photo shoot).  The twins were conceived what is now considered the old-fashioned way (IVF) & having just turned 1 years old, are becoming more self-sufficient.   After having their last bottle feed at 7pm and reading their Financial Times/Vogue Fashion papers…. off they go to bed.

Hence, I now have the time to write at 2am …whereas before, I’d still be out drinking somewhere and later finding myself waking up in a dustbin minus a shoe and usually my mobile phone.

Oh how I miss those easy days of reckless selfishness!

So while the whole household is sleeping, including my husband and this new to my world  ”The Domestic Helper” (apparently the norm in Hong Kong for those of you who haven’t quiet experienced help in the house), I am sat here staring out across at the sea (yes, THE SEA!!) in my South Side apartment in HK.  This apartment, may I just add, IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE &  it’s a shoe box in comparison to our home in London. But, hey ho… I live by the sea when I could be sitting in a freezing cold house in London because we couldnt afford the heating bills.

Do I miss London? YES!! Did I want to go home the minute I arrived? Err….YEH! But with the world being completely thrown by the whole recession thingy majiggy (im still fuzzy on the situation but everyone seems to be blaming the bankers), I’m apparently stuck here until we can pay off our mortgage back in the UK.  That alone could take years. G-d help my liver….

I was gutted to begin with, which sounds crazy to those who know and love HK, but I was homesick (not for family of course, but for my lovely fun, crazy, drunk, narcotic taking friends).  Itchy and Scratchy were only just turning 8 months old when I did the flight over to HK from London. By the way, did you know that you can’t travel with two infants under the age of 2 years old on your own legally ever?!  So, we entrusted our very old, 2 day-a-week, Nanny, who knew she was leaving us, therefore took the piss constantly (I mean, who the hell orders themselves a friggin bottle of Champagne when travelling in economy?!)

Basically Mums with twins, triplets or more (G-d forbid)  CANNOT travel unless there’s one adult PER CHILD up until the age of 2!  What if I was a single Mum? Or couldn’t afford to pay for an adult to come with me?  Especially when the so-called adult is not very useful in any event.  Our part-time Nanny who helped me fly over (and couldn’t believe her luck in getting a freebie holiday to HK……although little did she know work was involved), fell asleep the whole flight.

It was only when my 8 month old son prodded her to make him a strong Bloody Mary (“just like Mummy makes them”) and requested the FT newspaper (colouring in the Nasdaq grid), as well as some soft porn DVD’s (he meant to say “soft-play”) that she realised she was looking after a child.

I was in Business Class, of course, with our daughter at the time, who contrary to popular belief, is not my favourite but you only get one business class ticket free and the twins flipped a coin. It just happened that she chose Heads.  Anyhow, I was sat there, sipping my Kia Royale, wearing my in-flight wooly socks, nattering to my 8 month old (also sipping a glass of Krug), when I was notified by the horrified Flight Attendant (is that the PC term now?!) that my son had crawled across the cabin (in COACH) to change his own nappy, which is worrying as crawling on those Aeroplane floors are just filthy.   Anyhow, I dealt with the matter swiftly (delegated the Nanny to get her shit together and actually look after my child).  I then returned to my very comfortable position in business class, had another glass of Champagne with my 8 month old … and all order was resumed.  Once my daughter was out cold thanks to a shot of Piriton…. my party…err… I mean, flight, began!

This blog is now being written with my weekly updates of life in HK.  Most is written in jest, so please don’t take things too literally… I’ve only just unpacked….AND if you feel the urge to attack me (Internet Trolls)…. think carefully before picking your fight.  THIS IS A WEBSITE TO HAVE FUN WITH AFTER ALL.

** 2012 – UPDATE -Baby no.3 arrived making us a hell of a lot busier in my household, and me, more in need of sleep/Grey Goose than ever before. 


IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 and not of sound mind, STOP READING THIS SITE.  I will not be held liable for anything that you allege causes any mental (pre/post condition) issues with you.

In addition….ANY mean/harsh/cyber-bully/”troll” types who want to trash this site by attacking our way of life may as well just stop reading now…. I won’t tolerate anyone being bullied on this blog.  You ARE over 18 so if you chose to read this site, save your attacks for someone else.  YOU WILL NOT GET A RESPONSE FROM ME.  Stop reading and piss off now. Pathetic.

ps. For new posts please go to ” Weekly Updates”.

 You can also see my posts on the wonderful, Sassy Hong Kong website …



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Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Yummy Yum Twin Mum … in Hong Kong with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

93 responses to “About me…. The REAL HOUSEWIFE OF HK”

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  2. Parental Parody says :

    You’re hilarous! Where have you been all my life? Said in a fellow sarcastic Mother Blogger way. Can’t wait to read all of your posts. And I am one of the jealous ones….living in tropical HK, with an ASSISTANT of the domestic variety. Bugger me ,I’d have them schooled in Mojito’s and nappies and I’d be clocking off for the day by 2pm. And if you’re not going to use her in that appropriate manner, please send her to Perth for me…

    • fruitlessbloom says :

      Thanks and FYI …. I’ve just been reading your blog & its fucking brilliant!!! ps. Our Assistant isn’t going anywhere luv (I’ve chained her to the kitchen sink/nursery….. she doesn’t do “Headache money” though which is a a damn shame as Im bloody knackred this eve)

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    • fruitlessbloom says :

      Hi Ghen

      I hope you settle in soon. These things take time and once you finally find your feet…. you’ll hopefully enjoy some, if not all, parts of HK life. Me? After 2.5 years here (and now three kids under the age of 3…joy), I’m only now starting to see this as my life…. and I’ve begun to finally like it. Its been tough, pulling my head from outta my arse (wine glass still attached), but you will get there…. drop me a line if you feel the need to rant!

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  65. Kandi says :

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    But at the moment I still need her so I’m trying to bear with it all.

    (I told her open the kitchen window while cooking. Came home one day to smell gas fumes near doorway. Reminded her to open window while cooking. She said, “Mam I’m not cooking. I’m boiling water.”


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  68. Cherer says :

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    • fruitlessbloom says :

      OMG…. Im soo v try sorry for the delayed response. Ive only just realised how long its been since I last wrote (and I write about everything …. usually). As the UK has proven to be a complete nightmare, I will say that in hindsight (which lets face it, is a lovely thing…. I wish I had another “go” at Hong Kong. I think once you’re over the first 6-9 months of “settling in”…. it does become an amazing, and lets be honest, privileged, way to live. I don’t know many people who were living like us during our 3.9 years in HK. Once the shock of HK has worn off, get out there and get yourself a good, reliable (and ideally, alcoholic) network of good friends. Even now, since I arrived back in the UK, I find myself being in daily contact with all my HK extended family. Fuck I miss HK!!!!

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    • Fruitlessbloom says :

      Thanks for enjoying my commentary. Meeting me is not going to happen simply because you’re a stranger and I’ve no idea (NONE) what your intentions are (aside from very bad things, bad people do)…email me with your work email and we can talk…otherwise STOP CONTACTING ME. But do keep reading 😉

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    • Fruitlessbloom says :

      Listen “invoice” (as IF that’s your real name, spamalot) I’ve had 4 private messages from you & the answer is still the same….”bring me a bar of gold, one banana from an island off St.lucia and coconut water from Boracay…” then MAYBE, just maybe, we can talk….

      If this isn’t a wind up…?

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    • Fruitlessbloom says :

      Having used the words “may be a great author” has throughly pissed me off. I’m funny. I love to write. I will only touch base with genuine CRB checked normal
      People. Ps. Pls do keep reading though 😉

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      You have a “room mate”? How old are you? Also…contacting me direct? If you’re keen to meet because you’re carrying the “holy grail” (&a im not even religious now I’m divorced)…I’m curious why?

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